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Parent child

FordDude

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In the past year contact with my mom has been kept to a minimum. Because of her compromised immune system and that I am out in public every day. But that all ended 2 weeks ago. I got all my shots, and as of yesterday mom is 2 weeks after her second. She has a friend who lives close to her, they both have their own homes, that she has been spending a lot of time with. He cooks for her, they watch TV and she has her own room when she spends the night. Mom is 82 and Peter is 79.
But 2 weeks ago I get a call from Peter saying that I need to take my mom to the ER, she is in pain and not getting out of bed. Fast forward the first place we went was to her primary doctor. Not in and say that we should go to the ER. But while there they wanted my contact info and asked if I could be at her appointment in 2 weeks. The ER was useful, gave mom Tylenol.
Peter lost his wife to cancer a couple of years ago, he does not want to be mom's caregiver. I am OK with that, and happy mom had someone to spend time with the last couple of years.
On Monday when we went into the exam room, my RN wife was also there, and mom had already been in there close to an hour. The virtual meeting with the doctor he came right out and said your mom has dementia. She needs constant care. Yes she can bath and use the restroom on her own, but you need to manage her eating and medication. He prescribed a pill that will slow the decline, not make it any better. Couple trips to Walgreen's to fill some others. But the wife sat there for awhile trying to make sense of her meds. Mom has always had an issue taking pills, grind them up and take with applesauce. But there was one, oh I am not taking that one. I do not like it. Why? Oh i do not know, I just do not like it.
So now starts the process of her STUFF. Some I want, some needs to be donated and some needs to be sold. Sell her house and car. My aunt, her sister, is flying out from Pennsylvania to help. Find an assisted living place close to me. Figuring out how to pay and if she can get any assistance. It will be more than her social security check, but she does have some equity in her house.
But I keep telling mom that it is ok if she is confused and cannot remember. We are going to make you life simple so you do not have to worry about all that stuff.
The parent child came from one of the nurses at the ER. She was a good one, very compassionate and understanding. To deal with hurt, sick and crazy people day in and day out and still be that nice. I wanted to thank her again, but did not see her again before we left.

fd
 
So sorry to hear this. My parents are getting older now as well, my father had to get a pacemaker, has started getting stenosis in his upper back, and just had a double stent put in.
 
As my 84 year old father says “getting old sucks”. I find myself having to do more and more for him on a regular basis. He is adamant that he doesn’t want to go to assisted living, fortunately he has enough to pay for in home care when that time comes...probably sooner rather than later. It is hard to watch them get older and weaker. My fear is exactly what you are dealing with, dementia or Alzheimer’s. So far he seems to be mentally ok, just having a hard time getting around. I suppose a lot of us are in similar situations.
 
Same here. My dad got dementia at the age of 70 and 3 years later he passed away.I have witness him dying.Thats now about 10 years ago.
My mom never wanted to go to a nursing home but after several accidents (blood loss after churgery, broken hip, ect, ect) , now that she lives there , she doesn't want to go to her own home back. She feels save there.
She can pay for it almost entirely with her pension. Just a small contribution every month from her savings and selling the house.
Thank god she's mentally very strong/up to date. She is 88.
Hope when she goes , she goes suddenly. As does she !!
 
Sorry to hear. Heartfelt prayers for you for God to give you strength (mental and physical) to do what you need to do..

Starting the process with my Dad. He is showing the early signs. Luckily Mom is still able to help him, but we are there every weekend to help. Gave up alot of my Mustang time to do this but like when the kids were young, you do it because you love them.
 
My MIL was in full assisted living in Chicago. My sister in-law handled all the details. She found an service where they take all income due the person from then on for full service until the end of life. Be aware that paying for it out of you're own pocket may destitute you also. The service was legit and she was in this service for years....she passed this past January at almost 101yo.
Contact a senior lawyer (not in age but that deals with seniors) who can tell you how to handle the house and income that will still be due your mother. Advise you get on this right away before making serious financial decisions that could affect your mother's future care.
 
I feel your pain. My Dad was found to be dying of cancer and passed in a few months and my dear Mother was sadly handed the Alzheimer card and went down hill for 2 years slowly until she passed not even knowing who I was. Not sure what's is worse but I do know they both Suck !!!. Sorry to hear ...I know how rough the road ahead will be. Stay strong.
 
As Mike said, locate a local attorney that has expertise in "Elder Law". Navigating the financial quagmire that accompanies paying for an institutional residential placement requires competent professional assistance. Planning for MediCal takes time and the sooner you start the clearer your path.

In addition, there are a number of services that your Mom (and you) may be eligible for that you might not be aware of. Point of entry is your local "Area Agency on Aging". In Riverside County, it is the Office on Aging and they appear to have an ADRC (Aging and Disability Resource Center). While I have no connection with this particular agency, I am very familiar with their conterpart in Santa Clara County. Your local agency may be able to help you locate an Elder Law attorney in the area as well as other pertinent information and assistance. Here is a link To Riverside:


Parent/Child role reversal seems to be a part of modern aging. Been there, done that twice. Any specific questions, PM me.
 
Jeff to say that my head is swimming with all of this is an understatement. Wifey also provided the aging link. But the lawyer part and a recommendation from aging is a very good thing to ask. I am on moms bank account now, easy when the branch manager was a former coworker of mom and her friend.
This is going to be a learning weekend, one thing to be at moms house and watch her. This weekend she is at my house and wifey and daughter are in Las Vegas for a preplanned trip.

fd
 
Just had a call from my Mom wanting to know where they keep the spare Truck keys. I named 4 places and they were not in any of them. Now I need to find a locksmith to open the truck for them. She locked the keys in the truck. I will get two extra sets made, one for me to keep.
 
Careful about the folks driving. My mom hadn't driven in years when my Dad died. She would NOT give up the car. And wanted the keys. We initially had kept them...she wanted them back. So I had another set made that did NOT match the key (before electronic start) and gave her that set. She hung them up satisfied We knew even if she tried the keys wouldn't work. Gave us a little peace of mind.
 
Mom, is the only one driving now. Wish she did not but they are out in the country with no public transportation.
 
Sorry to hear about this diagnosis. It's definitely a tough one.

My grandmother had Alzheimer's. when they start to forget who you are it can be really hard.

Good luck with the nursing home search. Finding the right place can makea huge difference. We moved my grandma several times to get the proper care.

We'll keep you in our prayers as well.







Sent from my moto x4 using Tapatalk
 
The hardest part for me was my dear Mother looking me in the eye and not knowing who I was. It ripped my guts out and still hurts to this day.
 
Went through that with my dad. Difference was he would sit there awake with his eyes closed. He had Parkinson’s with dementia. You could get him to open his eyes, but it would only be a few moments. He had such beautiful hazel eyes.

fd
 
Sorry to hear about that diagnosis, my friend. You’ll have some tough times ahead but she’s lucky to have you. Remember that, even when she can’t.
 
My parents did plan ahead. After the doctors appointment this morning I took mom back to her house. She found the trust document and showed it to me. But I was assigned to call an attorney. The third call I got a human and she connected me to the attorney. He asked if I had a trust, I do, then there should be a power of attorney in it. I looked at the document and it does in fact have the POA durable thing. BUT it was drawn up in 1994, and was never revised. So I will call the one I talked to back and make an appointment to have him look at my documents.
I found 4 care facilities in my area that I want to look at.
The doctors appointment this morning. He was in house and we got to see him. He more than understands what we are going through. He got covid, and gave it to his parents. He lost his dad to covid and his mom also has dementia and now living with him.
So the last couple of weekends here I have more or less been catering to mom. Letting sleep in as long as she wants, and when she is awake sitting in the recliner watching law and order on TV. Doctor said that is not good, she needs to be doing something and put on a schedule. Also eating more as she lost 5 pounds since her last visit. Also the Aricept that she just started taking to help slow the memory loss is only good for about 6 months.
So what was your mother like? I want to say that I had a good loving mother. She worked full time, but still came home and made dinner for us. Saturday was her beauty parlor, shopping and house cleaning day. So I got to watch Saturday morning cartoons until mom got home and started cleaning house. The cleaning fetish is still with her and is an issue now. I do not live in a sterile environment, we have cats and dogs and well live here. Our little dog she is OK with, the cats not so much. She would be welcome to stay here, my daughter is able to watch her during the day, but I can tell that mom is not real comfortable in my house. So assisted living is going to be sooner rather than later. That is it for now.

fd
 
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