Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Bill was cruising down a country road on his motorbike when a deer darted out in front of him. He swerved, lost control, and ended up in a ditch. Luckily, he wasn’t badly hurt, just a little dazed.

A shiny BMW pulled up alongside, and out stepped an absolutely stunning woman. “Are you OK?” she asked.

Bill rubbed his head. “I banged it a bit, but I think I’m fine.”

“Don’t be silly,” she said. “Jump in my car, I’m a nurse. I’ll patch you up, and you can warm up at my place just a couple miles away.”

Bill hesitated. “That’s really kind, but my wife wouldn’t be happy if I went home with a strange woman.”

The nurse smiled. “Nonsense! You could have a serious injury. I insist.”

So, Bill gave in, climbed into the BMW, and off they went. At her house, she cleaned his wound, bandaged him up, and even offered him a cold beer.

“I really shouldn’t,” said Bill. “My wife won’t like it.”

“Don’t be daft,” she laughed. “You’ve had a shock. A beer will calm you down.”

So Bill had the beer. Then she offered him another.

He shook his head. “Honestly, I'd better not. My wife REALLY won’t like it.”

Rolling her eyes, she asked, “Why do you keep worrying about your wife? Where is she, anyway?”

Bill took a sip of his beer, shrugged, and said, “As far as I know… she’s still in the ditch.”​

A newlywed couple meets with the pastor of a church they're interested in joining. After talking with him for a while, the pastor says, 'I would love to have you two as members of my church, but there is something I must ask of you before you can join. You have to abstain from sex for two weeks.'

"The couple agrees to these terms, and two weeks later they are meeting with the pastor again. 'So, how did it go?' he asks them.

Well, we almost made it the full two weeks, the husband answers, but yesterday she bent down to pick up a package of frozen vegetables and I was overcome with desire. I just couldn't help myself.

The pastor pauses for a moment and then says, 'Well, I'm sorry, but you are not welcome in my church.

I understand,' says the husband. 'We're not welcome in Costco anymore, either.​

There were three girls who were getting married and all met at the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method".

"That will work," said the counsellor, "if you keep a good record".

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said.

Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby".

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby".

He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me, as I see it has worked well for you"?

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him".​

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"​