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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Bill was cruising down a country road on his motorbike when a deer darted out in front of him. He swerved, lost control, and ended up in a ditch. Luckily, he wasn’t badly hurt, just a little dazed.

A shiny BMW pulled up alongside, and out stepped an absolutely stunning woman. “Are you OK?” she asked.

Bill rubbed his head. “I banged it a bit, but I think I’m fine.”

“Don’t be silly,” she said. “Jump in my car, I’m a nurse. I’ll patch you up, and you can warm up at my place just a couple miles away.”

Bill hesitated. “That’s really kind, but my wife wouldn’t be happy if I went home with a strange woman.”

The nurse smiled. “Nonsense! You could have a serious injury. I insist.”

So, Bill gave in, climbed into the BMW, and off they went. At her house, she cleaned his wound, bandaged him up, and even offered him a cold beer.

“I really shouldn’t,” said Bill. “My wife won’t like it.”

“Don’t be daft,” she laughed. “You’ve had a shock. A beer will calm you down.”

So Bill had the beer. Then she offered him another.

He shook his head. “Honestly, I'd better not. My wife REALLY won’t like it.”

Rolling her eyes, she asked, “Why do you keep worrying about your wife? Where is she, anyway?”

Bill took a sip of his beer, shrugged, and said, “As far as I know… she’s still in the ditch.”​
 
A group of four-year-olds were trying hard to get used to school. The biggest challenge? The teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
“You need to use Big People words,” she reminded them.
“John, what did you do over the weekend?”
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People words!”
Then she asked Mitchell.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
“No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use Big People words!”
Then she asked little Johnny.
“I read a book,” he said.
“That’s WONDERFUL! What book did you read?”
Johnny thought very hard, puffed out his chest, and proudly said:
“Winnie the Sh*t.”
 
A newlywed couple meets with the pastor of a church they're interested in joining. After talking with him for a while, the pastor says, 'I would love to have you two as members of my church, but there is something I must ask of you before you can join. You have to abstain from sex for two weeks.'

"The couple agrees to these terms, and two weeks later they are meeting with the pastor again. 'So, how did it go?' he asks them.

Well, we almost made it the full two weeks, the husband answers, but yesterday she bent down to pick up a package of frozen vegetables and I was overcome with desire. I just couldn't help myself.

The pastor pauses for a moment and then says, 'Well, I'm sorry, but you are not welcome in my church.

I understand,' says the husband. 'We're not welcome in Costco anymore, either.​
 
Paddy says to Mick 'How did you get on at that Faith Healing group last night?'
Mick says 'It was absolutely shite. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out'
 
There were three girls who were getting married and all met at the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method".

"That will work," said the counsellor, "if you keep a good record".

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said.

Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby".

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby".

He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me, as I see it has worked well for you"?

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him".​
 
When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.
“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
 
A little old lady, about 60 years old, walks into an adult bookstore and slowly shuffles up to the counter, her hands shaking. She stutteringly says, "Eh, eh, excuse me, b-but I'm embarrased..."

The clerk says, "Please don't be ma'am, human sexuality is a beautiful, natural thing. You have nothing to be embarrassed about."

Trembling, she asks, "All right, do- do- do you have (whispers) women's...pleasure...aides here? "Like, vibrators?

Yes, ma'am, we have a large selection of both."

"An- an- and do- do you know much about them?"

The clerks looks are her shaking form and says, "Yes, ma'am, I do. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have."

To which she replies, "Great! Do- do- do- do you know how to shut 'em off?!"
 
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