scedd
Well-Known Member
Q. WHY DO WOMEN FART AFTER THEY PEE?
A. THEY CAN’T SHAKE IT, SO THEY BLOW IT DRY.
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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the Mustang.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?
He says, O. K., Get in the car with it.
Where shall I put it to get it warm?
He says, Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
But what about the smell?
Just hold its little nose.
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
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A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?" "It is ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby that is all." The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. "DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?" "Son, there has been a change of plan," his father replied.
"Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a Mustang"
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A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the fucking goal keeper"
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's dang near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
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A Swiss guy , looking for directions , pulls up where 2 aussies are waiting.
"Enctschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two aussies just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vois Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off extremely disgusted.
The 1st aussie turns to the 2nd and says.
"Maybe we should learn a foreigh language....."
"Why?" says the other.
"That bloke knew four languages, and it didn`t do him any good."
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What's the last thing that goes thru a bugs mind when he hits a windscreen?..........his bum
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what do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk!
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
---------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
Probably never be able to support you.
---------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
---------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
---------------------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because w omen can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
---------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
---------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
---------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
---------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
A. THEY CAN’T SHAKE IT, SO THEY BLOW IT DRY.
---------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the Mustang.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?
He says, O. K., Get in the car with it.
Where shall I put it to get it warm?
He says, Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
But what about the smell?
Just hold its little nose.
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
---------------------------------------------------
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?" "It is ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby that is all." The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. "DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?" "Son, there has been a change of plan," his father replied.
"Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a Mustang"
---------------------------------------------------
A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the fucking goal keeper"
---------------------------------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's dang near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
---------------------------------------------------
A Swiss guy , looking for directions , pulls up where 2 aussies are waiting.
"Enctschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two aussies just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vois Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off extremely disgusted.
The 1st aussie turns to the 2nd and says.
"Maybe we should learn a foreigh language....."
"Why?" says the other.
"That bloke knew four languages, and it didn`t do him any good."
---------------------------------------------------
What's the last thing that goes thru a bugs mind when he hits a windscreen?..........his bum
---------------------------------------------------
what do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk!
---------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
---------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
Probably never be able to support you.
---------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
---------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
---------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
---------------------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because w omen can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
---------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
---------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
---------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
---------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
