scedd
Well-Known Member
Q. WHICH RELIGION BELIEVES IN THE BIG BANG?
A. ISLAM, OF COURSE.
MY WIFE walked in on me rooting her twin the other day. “What the fuck are you doing?� she yelled furiously.
“It was an accident, love, honest,� I told her. “I couldn’t tell the difference between you both.�
“But Bradley has a dick!� she screamed back.
A BLOKE went to his doctor with a hearing problem. “Can you describe the symptoms, please?� said the doc.
“Yeah, sure,� replied the man, “Homer is a fat bastard and Marge has blue hair and their daughter Lisa is a fucken smart-arse.�
Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN AND A MOBILE SPEED CAMERA?
A. WITH THE WOMAN YOU CAN SEE THE TWAT BEHIND THE BUSH.
A WOMAN picked up a mirror in Bunnings and lugged it up to the front counter. The bloke on the register asked, “Would you like a screw for that mirror?�
“Nah,� the sheila replied, “but I’ll suck your cock for that lawnmower over there.�
THE Johnson family’s maid asked for a pay rise. The lady of the house was furious about this and decided to talk to the maid about her demands. “Now Maria, why do you want a pay rise?�
“There are three reasons why I want more money,� Maria said. “The first is that I iron better than you.�
“What makes you think you iron better than me?�
“Because your husband says so,� grinned the maid. “The second reason I deserve more money is that I’m a better cook than you.�
“What makes you think you’re a better cook than me?�
“Because your husband says so,� laughed the maid. “And the third reason I deserve more money is that I am better at making love than you.�
“I suppose my fucken husband told you that as well,� spat the wife.
“No, madam,� smiled the maid, “the gardener did.�
“Right,� said the lady. “How much extra do you want?�
Q. WHY ARE WOMEN AND PARKING SPACES ALIKE?
A. ’COS ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE GONE AND THE ONLY ONES LEFT ARE DISABLED.
A MAN rushed out of his wife’s hospital room and yelled, “Doctor, doctor! My wife’s been a coma for weeks, but just then when I touched her left breast, she sighed!�
“That’s very encouraging,� said the doctor. “Go back and touch her right breast and see if she reacts.�
A few minutes later the man rushed out of the room again. “Doctor, doctor! I touched her right breast and she moaned!�
“Very good. Now try oral sex. She should certainly react to that!�
Ten minutes later, the man slowly walked out of his wife’s room, white as a sheet. “Doctor… she died.�
“No!� exclaimed the doctor. “What happened?�
“Well, doc,� sobbed the man, “she choked!�
ADAM AND EVE
WHEN Adam stayed out very late for a few nights in a row, Eve cracked the shits. “You’ve been sleeping with other women,� she whinged.
“Eve, love, you’re being stupid,� Adam replied. “You know you’re the only woman on Earth.�
The fight continued until Adam fell asleep, but a few minutes later he was awoken by Eve poking him in the side with her finger.
“What are you doing, you silly bint?� Adam squealed.
“Just counting your ribs,� answered Eve.
ONE day God wandered into the Garden of Eden and said to Adam, “It’s time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth. I want you to start by kissing her.�
“Yes Lord,� nodded Adam, “but what is a kiss?� So the Lord gave him a brief description and Adam took Eve behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later he emerged and said, “Thank you, Lord, that was enjoyable.�
“Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that,� said God. “Now I’d like you to caress Eve.�
“But Lord, what does it mean to caress?� So God gave him a few pointers and Adam once again took Eve behind the bush. A few minutes later he walked out with a huge grin on his face.
“Well done, Adam,� said God. “Now I’d like you to make love to Eve.�
“But Lord, I don’t know how to do that,� Adam reminded him. So once again God told Adam exactly what to do, and he once again took Eve behind the bush. A few minutes later Adam emerged but, to God’s surprise, he didn’t look happy at all.
“Um, my Lord,� said Adam, “what’s a headache?�
TROY walked into the kitchen one morning to see his missus preparing soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, only this time she was completely naked!
“You’ve got to make love to me this second,� she gasped. Troy quickly thanked his lucky stars, then bent his wife over the bench and plunged his pecker deep inside her snatch.
After shooting his load, Troy asked his missus why she was so keen to bang him that morning, as she usually didn’t even wanna touch him.
“The egg timer’s broken,� she explained.
Q. WHY DO DEAF-MUTES MASTURBATE WITH ONE HAND?
A. SO THEY CAN MOAN WITH THE OTHER.
AN 80-YEAR-OLD fella walked over to his wife, gave her a big grin and said, “I’m going to the doctor to get me some of those new-fangled Viagra pills.�
“In that case, I’m going to the doctor, too,� replied his wife. “If you’re going to start using that rusty thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.�
TWO terrorists got chatting to each other at the bus stop. The conversation turned to the topic of children and they both pulled out their wallets and started flipping through their photos.
“This is my eldest son,� said the first terrorist. “He’s a martyr.�
“And this is my eldest son,� said the second terrorist. “He’s a martyr, too.�
“Ah,� said the first terrorist wistfully. “They blow up so fast, don’t they?�
OLD Bert stumbled in from the pub to see his missus doing a naked handstand against the wall. “What the fuck are you doin’, woman?� asked Old Bert.
“I know you can’t get it up, so maybe you can just drop it in,� grinned the old girl.
A GRUFF old fella was having a quiet beer by himself at the pub when a young fella sat down next to him and ordered a drink.
“Look out the window at that fence, young lad,� said the old guy. “I built it, stone by stone, with me own hands, but do they call me Smithy the Fence Builder? No…
“Look over there at that shed. I knocked it together by meself, with no help from anyone. But do they call me Smithy the Shed Builder? No…
“And look at this here bar, young man,� he continued. “I put it all together meself, sanded it back and stained it. But do they call me Smithy the Bar Builder? No…�
Then the old geezer took another sip of his beer and mumbled, “But you fuck one dog…�
Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A TURTLE WITH A STIFFY?
A. A SLOW POKE.
A YOUNG couple were out on a romantic walk through the countryside. The fella stopped the girl and looked deep into her eyes, but before he could tell her that he loved her, she said she had to have a wee and trotted off behind a bush.
As he waited, the young bloke could hear his girlfriend pulling down her Reg Grundies, and he became so turned on that he just had to get a piece of her smoo. He reached blindly through the bush until his hand touched her leg. He quickly brought his hand up between her legs but stopped in shock when he grabbed onto a long, thick appendage.
“Oh fucken hell, love!� he screamed. “I had no idea you were a bloke!�
“Settle down, settle down, you don’t understand,� laughed his girlfriend. “It’s just that I changed my mind and decided to have a crap instead.�
Q. HOW DO YOU KNOW IF THE MISSUS USED A VIBRATOR WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT?
A. YOUR KID STUTTERS.
A YOUNG bloke walked up to the bar and immediately noticed that the barmaid had an incredible set of tits. Unable to take his eyes off her cracking rack, he spluttered, “I’ll have two schooners of norks, thanks,� then realised what he’d said, blushed, and scurried off to a dark corner of the pub.
An old fella saw the whole thing, swaggered over to the embarrassed young fella and said, “Relax, mate, we all make Freudian slips like that.�
“Really?� asked the young guy.
“Yeah, really,� replied the old timer. “Why, just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, ‘Please pass the sugar’ and I accidentally said, ‘You wrecked my life, you fucken bitch!’�
A. ISLAM, OF COURSE.
MY WIFE walked in on me rooting her twin the other day. “What the fuck are you doing?� she yelled furiously.
“It was an accident, love, honest,� I told her. “I couldn’t tell the difference between you both.�
“But Bradley has a dick!� she screamed back.
A BLOKE went to his doctor with a hearing problem. “Can you describe the symptoms, please?� said the doc.
“Yeah, sure,� replied the man, “Homer is a fat bastard and Marge has blue hair and their daughter Lisa is a fucken smart-arse.�
Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN AND A MOBILE SPEED CAMERA?
A. WITH THE WOMAN YOU CAN SEE THE TWAT BEHIND THE BUSH.
A WOMAN picked up a mirror in Bunnings and lugged it up to the front counter. The bloke on the register asked, “Would you like a screw for that mirror?�
“Nah,� the sheila replied, “but I’ll suck your cock for that lawnmower over there.�
THE Johnson family’s maid asked for a pay rise. The lady of the house was furious about this and decided to talk to the maid about her demands. “Now Maria, why do you want a pay rise?�
“There are three reasons why I want more money,� Maria said. “The first is that I iron better than you.�
“What makes you think you iron better than me?�
“Because your husband says so,� grinned the maid. “The second reason I deserve more money is that I’m a better cook than you.�
“What makes you think you’re a better cook than me?�
“Because your husband says so,� laughed the maid. “And the third reason I deserve more money is that I am better at making love than you.�
“I suppose my fucken husband told you that as well,� spat the wife.
“No, madam,� smiled the maid, “the gardener did.�
“Right,� said the lady. “How much extra do you want?�
Q. WHY ARE WOMEN AND PARKING SPACES ALIKE?
A. ’COS ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE GONE AND THE ONLY ONES LEFT ARE DISABLED.
A MAN rushed out of his wife’s hospital room and yelled, “Doctor, doctor! My wife’s been a coma for weeks, but just then when I touched her left breast, she sighed!�
“That’s very encouraging,� said the doctor. “Go back and touch her right breast and see if she reacts.�
A few minutes later the man rushed out of the room again. “Doctor, doctor! I touched her right breast and she moaned!�
“Very good. Now try oral sex. She should certainly react to that!�
Ten minutes later, the man slowly walked out of his wife’s room, white as a sheet. “Doctor… she died.�
“No!� exclaimed the doctor. “What happened?�
“Well, doc,� sobbed the man, “she choked!�
ADAM AND EVE
WHEN Adam stayed out very late for a few nights in a row, Eve cracked the shits. “You’ve been sleeping with other women,� she whinged.
“Eve, love, you’re being stupid,� Adam replied. “You know you’re the only woman on Earth.�
The fight continued until Adam fell asleep, but a few minutes later he was awoken by Eve poking him in the side with her finger.
“What are you doing, you silly bint?� Adam squealed.
“Just counting your ribs,� answered Eve.
ONE day God wandered into the Garden of Eden and said to Adam, “It’s time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth. I want you to start by kissing her.�
“Yes Lord,� nodded Adam, “but what is a kiss?� So the Lord gave him a brief description and Adam took Eve behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later he emerged and said, “Thank you, Lord, that was enjoyable.�
“Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that,� said God. “Now I’d like you to caress Eve.�
“But Lord, what does it mean to caress?� So God gave him a few pointers and Adam once again took Eve behind the bush. A few minutes later he walked out with a huge grin on his face.
“Well done, Adam,� said God. “Now I’d like you to make love to Eve.�
“But Lord, I don’t know how to do that,� Adam reminded him. So once again God told Adam exactly what to do, and he once again took Eve behind the bush. A few minutes later Adam emerged but, to God’s surprise, he didn’t look happy at all.
“Um, my Lord,� said Adam, “what’s a headache?�
TROY walked into the kitchen one morning to see his missus preparing soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, only this time she was completely naked!
“You’ve got to make love to me this second,� she gasped. Troy quickly thanked his lucky stars, then bent his wife over the bench and plunged his pecker deep inside her snatch.
After shooting his load, Troy asked his missus why she was so keen to bang him that morning, as she usually didn’t even wanna touch him.
“The egg timer’s broken,� she explained.
Q. WHY DO DEAF-MUTES MASTURBATE WITH ONE HAND?
A. SO THEY CAN MOAN WITH THE OTHER.
AN 80-YEAR-OLD fella walked over to his wife, gave her a big grin and said, “I’m going to the doctor to get me some of those new-fangled Viagra pills.�
“In that case, I’m going to the doctor, too,� replied his wife. “If you’re going to start using that rusty thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.�
TWO terrorists got chatting to each other at the bus stop. The conversation turned to the topic of children and they both pulled out their wallets and started flipping through their photos.
“This is my eldest son,� said the first terrorist. “He’s a martyr.�
“And this is my eldest son,� said the second terrorist. “He’s a martyr, too.�
“Ah,� said the first terrorist wistfully. “They blow up so fast, don’t they?�
OLD Bert stumbled in from the pub to see his missus doing a naked handstand against the wall. “What the fuck are you doin’, woman?� asked Old Bert.
“I know you can’t get it up, so maybe you can just drop it in,� grinned the old girl.
A GRUFF old fella was having a quiet beer by himself at the pub when a young fella sat down next to him and ordered a drink.
“Look out the window at that fence, young lad,� said the old guy. “I built it, stone by stone, with me own hands, but do they call me Smithy the Fence Builder? No…
“Look over there at that shed. I knocked it together by meself, with no help from anyone. But do they call me Smithy the Shed Builder? No…
“And look at this here bar, young man,� he continued. “I put it all together meself, sanded it back and stained it. But do they call me Smithy the Bar Builder? No…�
Then the old geezer took another sip of his beer and mumbled, “But you fuck one dog…�
Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A TURTLE WITH A STIFFY?
A. A SLOW POKE.
A YOUNG couple were out on a romantic walk through the countryside. The fella stopped the girl and looked deep into her eyes, but before he could tell her that he loved her, she said she had to have a wee and trotted off behind a bush.
As he waited, the young bloke could hear his girlfriend pulling down her Reg Grundies, and he became so turned on that he just had to get a piece of her smoo. He reached blindly through the bush until his hand touched her leg. He quickly brought his hand up between her legs but stopped in shock when he grabbed onto a long, thick appendage.
“Oh fucken hell, love!� he screamed. “I had no idea you were a bloke!�
“Settle down, settle down, you don’t understand,� laughed his girlfriend. “It’s just that I changed my mind and decided to have a crap instead.�
Q. HOW DO YOU KNOW IF THE MISSUS USED A VIBRATOR WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT?
A. YOUR KID STUTTERS.
A YOUNG bloke walked up to the bar and immediately noticed that the barmaid had an incredible set of tits. Unable to take his eyes off her cracking rack, he spluttered, “I’ll have two schooners of norks, thanks,� then realised what he’d said, blushed, and scurried off to a dark corner of the pub.
An old fella saw the whole thing, swaggered over to the embarrassed young fella and said, “Relax, mate, we all make Freudian slips like that.�
“Really?� asked the young guy.
“Yeah, really,� replied the old timer. “Why, just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, ‘Please pass the sugar’ and I accidentally said, ‘You wrecked my life, you fucken bitch!’�
