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Best way to tell younger kids about a divorce...

blu67

blu67

Well-Known Member
It's way overdue to tell my kids about our divorce. We couldn't tell them while she was still here and after she finally left, it was recommended that with the circumstances (rehab) it wasn't best to pile that on as well to what the boys were going through. Now that she has been out of the rehab for almost two months and supposedly living somewhere else and will not be returning, the boys need to know.
I suggested that we tell them at a psychologist's office so that he could help with what they were feeling at that time and help to work through those feelings. I also didn't want to tell them at our home so that they might associate the bad news with the environment. I got shot down by the soon-to-be-ex but she didn't counter with a better suggestion. I still feel having a professional there to help out is best but what do you think?
My boys are 8 and 10. One is more emotional than the other and both have experienced their mother during her "episodes" and even though we may tell them that it isn't because of her addictions, they will assume that...at least the older one will. (It's the truth but have to play nice and not make her the bad guy)
I currently have full custody of them until June when we have another hearing...hopefully the judge will continue to see in my favor but I have to try and be civil for the boys sake...

I know some of you are divorced and may have had young children at the time you told them. How did you do it? Nothing will ever be right, though, will it...?
 
I am not even remotely qualified to tell what is best or how to do it. My parents are coming up on 56 years and I have finished for over 25 years. But in my opinion you will only be telling them what they already know. They may be hoping that "mommy" will be coming home, but they are in school and have friends and probably talk to them about what is going on.
Good that you are seeing a counselor, and that is probably the best place to bring it up.

Then tell them that you are going to find a new mommy with really big boobies. Oh wait did I say that out loud? :hide

fd
 
hope this doesn't come across wrong, but don't you have sole custody of the boys? if so, since you are the sane/sober one, I would do YOU think is best & not worry about what she "shoots down" or wants. your sole responsibility is to them & their well being.
 
One....they should have already been told.
Two....You have them....take care of it.
Three....do you think they have no idea of what is happening.
Four....kids are tougher, smarter, and stronger than you would ever think.

Sorry to be blunt but these kids need your support now....not a trip to a therapist...to much of that now days.
 
Chris....I'd have to agree with Sellersodshop on this. I also agree with you that being at the Dr's office may be very helpful.

All we can do is offer support. Best to you bud. See you in a few weeks.
 
I agree and while I do have temporary sole custody, we are both the boys parents and it's only fair that they hear it from both of us and we should try to work together on this.

And yet, I have sole custody and should just say this is the way it's going to be....

Sigh....believe me, it's just really hard.
 
Since I am sensing you and the ex are not on very good speaking terms, especially when it comes to things such as this, I would highly recommend you talk to them alone. You certainly seem to grasp the need to consider the boys affinity for their mom (right or wrong) and have to consider your words with that in mind. Don't paint a perfect picture of her but simply express that a divorce is never easy and it's not really any one person's fault, etc. Even if in your case it really is.

She is their mom and that can't be changed. As they get older they will get it. They may already. A good point has been brought up that they are surely surrounded by friends whose parents have divorced. As sad as that may be it provides them a bit of a support group. You just need to stick to the high road and be there for them as you have and it will be fine. I think if you try to do this together it will not go well. The ex will certainly not behave as I think you will. If you two show anger, blame etc. it will not go well.

You don't need a therapist there. They need you. They look to you for guidance and support. Give it to them as you have been and it will be fine. Divorce is NEVER easy on the kids and no matter how hard you try the same painful truths exist no matter where or how you paint them.
 
"Horseplay" said:
You don't need a therapist there. They need you. They look to you for guidance and support. Give it to them as you have been and it will be fine.
Click to expand...

Spot On!,

My mother left when i was 7 taking all 6 of us kids with her when my dad was putting in a days work with the truck. She stopped at the Bank and drew out all his checking/savings and we went on the long drive to Pheonix,AZ We were living in a crack house scared out of our minds after a couple weeks she SOLD us back to our father For 5,000$ a kid, Dad sold his high school '58 T-bird retractable to fly us all home. I remember seeing how happy my dad was to have us home with him, One of the rare times i have seen tears out of him. It showed me how much we meant to him And i will never forget that.

If i was a child i think seeing a therapist would make it a more dramatic experience.

I would be the best father i could, They will need you to be there for them. It's a tough time for sure.
 
They might already have a pretty good idea of what is going on. It's amazing how smart kids are.
 
Chris:

Been there..... There is no easy way to have that conversation and you just have to go with your best judgment. Stick with the facts, let the kids draw their own conclusions.

One suggestion, No matter how disagreeable your ex may get, avoid confronting her in the kids' presence. Just walk away. The heated conversation can be concluded later, when the kids are not present. Remember, no matter how raw the nerve endings are now and how tempting it is to lash out, you both will always be the kids' parents (think graduations, weddings, birth of grandkids, etc) so your paths will cross in the future. Being hurtful now will generally not buy you long term satisfaction, take the high road when you can.

The kids will know that you care.

Best of luck, Jeff
 
my son was only 7 months old when my ex and I split up. She basically disappeared for over two years. I really didn't have to "tell" him so-to-speak. The real issue I had was years later. I know this doesn't help much with your question but I feel I should share. If you are the sole custodian and eventually move on, there can be some complications. I remarried when my son was 3. My ex reappeared and made my wife's life a living hell. She called DCFS and claimed we were abusive when he was about 4. She took us to court to get custody when he was 9 because I was relocated and she argued that I was moving to take him away. I can't believe that a judge actually awarded her joint custody and I couldn't take him out of state. Long Story but don't think it's over. Judges tend to favor the mom and I have proof. She left when he was a baby, my wife and I raised him in a good home and still the judge favored my ex because she was his mom. I eventually got him back but it took a while and a lot of money (lawyers/court, etc). The stress and fighting have taken it's toll. He is now 22 and still it's never been normal. My wife and him get along okay now but the BS my ex filled his head with made things tough. All I can say is the guys have it right. Be a good father and always talk with them and they will know who the good guy is eventually. My son has learned the hard way who he can count on. I wish you the best, good luck.
 
"S8NS 289" said:
If i was a child i think seeing a therapist would make it a more dramatic experience.
Click to expand...

I have to agree with this. It's "heavy" for you, it doesn't have to be heavy for them.
 
When my ex and I separated, I was pretty naive about how much she had been supported by our 'friends' and positioned herself to clean my clock. Good advice here from men who've been been there. Mine is never say or write anything your ex can show a judge. No email/text/letters. No witnesses to conversations. Your boys need you to fight for them and you need to play it smart (another thing I didnt do, I had a lousy lawyer and by the time I replaced him it was too late). Good luck and always protect the children.
 
Good advice from all of you...thank you.
Ultimately, I think we are just going to tell them here at my apartment. I don't plan on staying here for long so any residual sadness that they may associate with this place will be gone. Either way, they are probably hip to the fact that mommy hasn't lived here for a little over 2 months and when we do tell them, it won't come as a huge surprise.
We do okay here, we Three Amigos, and she and I don't fight really...mainly because we don't talk much...which is fine with me. If it involves the kids, we talk, otherwise....why bother...
 
My son was three when his mom and I split up. He has lived with me since then. We never really had the "talk" because he was so young. There ate books you can find for kids to read that will help them understand split families. You will eventually move on and find someone as will your ex. Dont coddle your boys, people, mysel included spoiled my son out of regret for the situation and i regret it now. I did everything for him and only in the past few years have I really "cut the cord" as they say. It will be an adventure and you're doing the right thing by putting them first. They know it now, but you dont hear it see it, but they are learning a lot from you Chris. You're a great dad, and they are learning how to be great men by seeing your example.
 
I can't give any advice on "how" to tell them.

However, I can say this.

When I was three years old my dad ran off with the office slut. He was a drunk basically and progressively went down hill as the years rolled by. Drank his practice into the ground. Ended up killing himself when he was dead broke and under investigation by several government agencies. Well, his death was ruled a suicide but I had my doubts at the time because some things didn't add up but never could prove anything.

But through all that, even though I am sure there were times my mom wanted to kill the sob in cold blood I never ever heard my mom say a bad word about my dad. She had every reason in the world to be bitter and bash him but she didn't. Pre divorce she was a stay home mom. She got a job then she remarried and moved on. Actually, she claims dad was a great guy or "fine young man" when he was younger and working full time, putting himself through college plus having my oldest sister. I think she really felt sorry for him about what a total mess he made of his life.

My parents always at a minimum pretended to get along when myself or my sisters were around.

I agree with Pete...they probably already have a clue. Just level with them....after that make sure they know they are loved and do your level best to move on.

Nothing I hate to see worse then some who are constantly bashing their Ex with the kids around...drives me freaking nuts.
 
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