After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at the Air Base with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. I've read in the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes, Son, and if you read on further you'll find out that they walked everywhere they went!"
"I'm in love with my sheep," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel ummm,... *physically* attracted to my sheep!"
"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY?"
Hanson starts a new job, and the boss tells him, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
Hanson says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture. The girl is hideous. A real show-stopper.
The boss says, "She's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
Hanson says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
Hanson accepts, figuring he can put a bag on her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and is hanging it on the wall.
He climbs the ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
Hanson says, "And get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
Hanson starts hammering a nail into the wall, hits his thumb, and yells, "Fuck."
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
Leeds wants to join The Big Dick Club.
He goes down to the local chapter, walks in, and says to the receptionist, "I want to join."
She says, "How long is it?"
Leeds says, "Eighteen inches."
The receptionist goes into such a hysterical laughing fit that Leeds turns around and runs out, totally embarrassed. On his way out, he runs into a guy sweeping.
Leeds says, "I can't believe I told the receptionist I've got eighteen inches and she laughed in my face."
The sweeper says, "Listen, pal, there's a lot of competition here. See that lump in my sock? I'm just the janitor."
Flinkleberg is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Sylvia? A diamond ring? A sable coat? A Rolls-Royce?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Reese walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've got a permanent hard-on. It was fun at first, but now it throbs. It's painful. You gotta help me."
Reese pulls down his pants and he's got a huge erection. A midget could do chin-ups on this cock. The doctor takes two fingers, smacks! the Reese's dick, a bug jumps off, and his dick goes limp.
Reese says, "Gee, Doc, that's great. What do I owe you?"
The doctor says, "If you help me find that bug, you don't owe me nothing."
Little Johnny's walking along with his father when they pass two dogs are going at it.
Johnny says, "Hey, Pop, what's going on over there?"
His father says, "Well, son, you see, the one in the back hurt his front paws, so the other one is letting him rest them on her while she walks him to the hospital."
Johnny thinks a second and says, "You know Pop, it's just like with people. You try to help somebody and they'll fuck you every time."
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the fuck I am...???
Today I went into the local McDonalds for lunch, and as I got up to the counter I was served by a young girl wearing a Burqah. Now this Burqah looked grubby. It was not pressed, it was quite dirty, it even smelled. This put me off my lunch, so I crossed the road and went
into Hungry Jacks. Again as I got to the counter I was served by a young girl wearing a Burqah. Now this Burqah was clean and fresh. It was pressed and decorated with beads and sequins. It was then I realized the Burqahs are better at Hungry Jacks.
Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans. I told him with my luck I'd probably win one.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."
Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
I've just watched the Simpsons and realized it's a load of bollocks. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
At 7:00 p. m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the Pub across the road. You drove, you idiot."
fd
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. I've read in the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes, Son, and if you read on further you'll find out that they walked everywhere they went!"
"I'm in love with my sheep," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel ummm,... *physically* attracted to my sheep!"
"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY?"
Hanson starts a new job, and the boss tells him, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
Hanson says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture. The girl is hideous. A real show-stopper.
The boss says, "She's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
Hanson says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
Hanson accepts, figuring he can put a bag on her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and is hanging it on the wall.
He climbs the ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
Hanson says, "And get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
Hanson starts hammering a nail into the wall, hits his thumb, and yells, "Fuck."
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
Leeds wants to join The Big Dick Club.
He goes down to the local chapter, walks in, and says to the receptionist, "I want to join."
She says, "How long is it?"
Leeds says, "Eighteen inches."
The receptionist goes into such a hysterical laughing fit that Leeds turns around and runs out, totally embarrassed. On his way out, he runs into a guy sweeping.
Leeds says, "I can't believe I told the receptionist I've got eighteen inches and she laughed in my face."
The sweeper says, "Listen, pal, there's a lot of competition here. See that lump in my sock? I'm just the janitor."
Flinkleberg is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Sylvia? A diamond ring? A sable coat? A Rolls-Royce?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Reese walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've got a permanent hard-on. It was fun at first, but now it throbs. It's painful. You gotta help me."
Reese pulls down his pants and he's got a huge erection. A midget could do chin-ups on this cock. The doctor takes two fingers, smacks! the Reese's dick, a bug jumps off, and his dick goes limp.
Reese says, "Gee, Doc, that's great. What do I owe you?"
The doctor says, "If you help me find that bug, you don't owe me nothing."
Little Johnny's walking along with his father when they pass two dogs are going at it.
Johnny says, "Hey, Pop, what's going on over there?"
His father says, "Well, son, you see, the one in the back hurt his front paws, so the other one is letting him rest them on her while she walks him to the hospital."
Johnny thinks a second and says, "You know Pop, it's just like with people. You try to help somebody and they'll fuck you every time."
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the fuck I am...???
Today I went into the local McDonalds for lunch, and as I got up to the counter I was served by a young girl wearing a Burqah. Now this Burqah looked grubby. It was not pressed, it was quite dirty, it even smelled. This put me off my lunch, so I crossed the road and went
into Hungry Jacks. Again as I got to the counter I was served by a young girl wearing a Burqah. Now this Burqah was clean and fresh. It was pressed and decorated with beads and sequins. It was then I realized the Burqahs are better at Hungry Jacks.
Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans. I told him with my luck I'd probably win one.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."
Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
I've just watched the Simpsons and realized it's a load of bollocks. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
At 7:00 p. m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the Pub across the road. You drove, you idiot."
fd