It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.
At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.
"Thanks," he says, and leaves.
An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.
An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."
"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"
"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."
"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"
Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used tampon.
"Tea time."
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the girl's problem was, and he replied, "Er.... I think her orgasm is stuck!"
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both sat down at center stage.
Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Time wounds all heels.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is,... I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
fd
At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.
"Thanks," he says, and leaves.
An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.
An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."
"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"
"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."
"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"
Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used tampon.
"Tea time."
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the girl's problem was, and he replied, "Er.... I think her orgasm is stuck!"
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both sat down at center stage.
Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Time wounds all heels.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is,... I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
fd
