A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife.
The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.
The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"
My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should not leave the holder in the sun.
During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house.
Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you put it where the sun doesn't shine!"
The electrician took a break.
A London medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder.
They got 3,879 responses one hour after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
Alice was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. "Mrs. Jones, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant."
"Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away. When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her 78 year old husband, and yelled, "You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!"
There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, "And to whom am I speaking?"
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note.
The note said, "I missed!"
A daughter asked her dad, "Dad, there is something that my new boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand --
He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a servicing that -- his motor will cease functioning and his ball bearings will fall off!!"
fd
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The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.
The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"
My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should not leave the holder in the sun.
During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house.
Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you put it where the sun doesn't shine!"
The electrician took a break.
A London medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder.
They got 3,879 responses one hour after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
Alice was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. "Mrs. Jones, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant."
"Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away. When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her 78 year old husband, and yelled, "You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!"
There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, "And to whom am I speaking?"
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note.
The note said, "I missed!"
A daughter asked her dad, "Dad, there is something that my new boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand --
He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a servicing that -- his motor will cease functioning and his ball bearings will fall off!!"
fd
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