Have you heard this one?

[turq66]

My family doctor recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I must stop masturbating.I asked her why, and she said,

"Because I'm trying to examine you......"
bj

 

[FordDude]

Yes I have but have you heard this one?

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

fd

 

[FordDude]

Or this one?

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become
accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they
faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my
Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a
choo-choo", She said.

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People'
words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he
replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said,

"Winnie the SHIT."

fd

 

[guruatbol]

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and
tell her to give me Se-x. That Makes everything better and I
go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say
and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.

Mel

 

[beach pony]

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and
tell her to give me Se-x. That Makes everything better and I
go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say
and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.

Mel

I've heard this one before. Funny as hell!

 

[FordDude]

Drop Dead!

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's
to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

fd