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How to make your marriage last!!!

F

Flysure1

Active Member
A SEMINAR ON MAKING MARRIAGE WORK

At All Saints Lutheran Church in Minneapolis, Minnesotathey
have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last

week, the Pastor asked Ole Westrum,who was approaching his 50th

wedding anniversary,to take a few minutes and share some insight into

how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all thoseyears.

"Vell," Ole replied to the assembled husbands, "I've triedto treat her

nice, spend da money on her, but best of all, I took her to Norvay for

da 20th anniversary!"

The Pastor responded, "Ole, you are an amazing inspirationto all the

husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your 50th

anniversary. "

Ole proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go get her!"

 
OK. You started it.


After the rush of Ole and Lena jokes, we may need a seperate forum for this specialty humor!
 
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired,
"How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo, Nordakota?"
"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell," said Lena , "I don't want to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."


***

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had sued for
non-support.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife$ 400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge" said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to
chip in a few bucks myself."

***

A waitress asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and
a canoe?"
"No, I don't," said Ole
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained the waitress.

***

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "
Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"

***

Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are
working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No."

***

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the
obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena
what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died'?
Surely,
there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money
you're
concerned about, the first five words are free. You just say something
more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said,
"OK. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale'."

***

"Hey, Sven," said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine?"
After Sven replied, "I don't know,"
Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

***

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along
bananas
for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long,
dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly?
"No," replied Lars..
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and
vent blind!"

***

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars
inquired how
she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come," asked Lars?
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

***

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.
While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole
vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn' Valter."

***

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of
the little
town of Minnetonka , Minnesota . The policeman, who was good friend of
Ole',
said, "Ole What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes?
You'e naked."
"Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat 'swinger' Sven's
for his birthday party.
Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls."
"Is that right?", his policeman friend asked.
"Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Sven, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!'
So vee all go
into the bedroom den he yells, Everybody git nakked!' Vel, vee all got
undressed Den he
yells, Everybody go to town!'"
"Oh, my!", exclaimed the policeman.
"Yah, Yah. I guess I'm the first one here."

***

Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Wisconsin recently leaving
a lake well known
for its Walleyes. He had two buckets of fish.
As it was during the spawning season, the game warden asked, "Do you
have a license to

catch those fish?"
Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Ya sure, you betcha." answered Ole. "Every night I take dese fish here
down to da lake and let
dem svim around for a while. Den I vhistle and dey yump back into der
buckets and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that." Said the game warden.
Ole looked at the game warden with an expression of great hurt, and then
said, "Yumpin Yimminy!
Vell den, I'll just show you den. It really does vork, don'tcha know?"
"O.K. I've got to see this!" The game warden was really curious now.
So Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting. After several
minutes, the game warden
turned to Ole and said, "Well?"
"Vell what?" responded Ole.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?" asked Ole.
"The fish!"
"What fish?"
 
Sven and Ole were talking one afternoon when Sven tells Ole, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only dis year I'm a gonna do it a little different.

Da last few years, I took your advice about where to go."

"T'ree years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Lena got pregnant."

"Den two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Lena got pregnant again."

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Lena didn't get pregnant again."

Oli asked Sven, "So, what ya gonna do dis year dat's so different?"

And Sven says, "Dis year I'm taking Lena with me
 
Ole Olsen vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all 10 of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik & vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole & said, 'Let's have da finkers & I'll see vhat I can do.'

Ole said, 'I haven't got da finkers.'

'Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?' he said. 'Lord-it's 2012 & Ive's got microsurgery & all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on & made you like knew! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?'

Ole said........'How da hell vas I suppose to pick dem up??'
 
Sad News

I have some very sad news out of Duluth, Minnesota this morning to share with everyone. This will bring about change in North & South Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa and parts of Canada. This will bring far reaching ramifications that will strike at the very core of our Midwest Heritage and Souls.

I must report the tragic news that OLE was SHOT. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4 Wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for Terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the Rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker,
 
--- Norwegian Lovers

Ole met a beautiful blonde lady named Lena and he decided he wanted to
marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."He said,
"That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along "

So she consented, they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very
nice resort.
One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his
towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck
gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in the jackknife
position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

Lena said," That was incredible!" Ole replied, "I used to be an Olympic
diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other
as we went along." Then Lena got up, jumped in the pool, and started
doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed backout and lay down on
her towel, hardly out of breath.

Ole said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Grand Forks, North Dakota and had to
work both sides of the Red River."
 
Olle and Lena

Ole and Lena

Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed and Lena even served them a nice meal at noontime. The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, "Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter."

Ole replied, "What's the bad news?"
The surveyors stated, "Well, after our work we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota, but is actually in South Dakota!"

Ole looked at Lena and said, "That's the best news I have heard in a long time. Why I just told Lena this morning, I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota!!"
 
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