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I'll throw this one out there!

G

gwstang

Member
My youngest boy is 20 and is a real go getter. He's presently going to South Alabama U. and working full time as a chef, just got a nice promotion and pay raise. He's doing just fine and I am pleased with how he is turning out.
However, #1 is going to be 25 this June and I am sorely disappointed with his progress in the world. He also works as a chef in a smaller restaurant. Really doesn't care about too much outside of work except to just get by. Still living at home and refuses to work on his GED. He did leave home for about 2 years which gave us a breath of air for awhile. He's currently into a car lease so he can't really vacate the premises anytime soon. Sore point with me. I have tried to get him to join the military like I did when I was 19 and see the world. I spent 4 years in the Navy (Medic) and then 5 years going to Auburn Univ to graduate with a degree in Biology/Chemistry and worked around 35 hours each week while taking some really tough courses in college...so I have no patience with someone who will not try and do their best to succeed in school/life. I really don't want to kick him to the curb in this economic climate...but my patience is running thin and he will be 25 and still living with his mommy and daddy...lol. he stays broke continuously and whines about having no money, but won't do anything about it like work 2 jobs...What the hell do I do with this one? WWSD?
 
I try to wait for Sanborn to show up here before responding, but he seems to be missing lately...I know he's a busy guy, so I can dig that.

I dunno what your arrangement with your son is, but is he paying you rent? My dad's rule was 100% unbending: If you live in my house, you're either in school, or you're paying rent. I went though a crisis time where I didn't think school was important to me, and tried to skip registering for my junior year. My dad (who was also my boss) asked me what I was thinking, and I told him I just wasn't really interested right now. He pointed out he wasn't interested in running a free apartment, and told me if I didn't want to start handing over most of my paycheck (which, as my boss he controlled, LOL) to his rent, then I better get my tail over to campus and register. So I decided I better get back to it.

His basic attitude was he had 1 responsibility at that point in my life...to help me better myself. If I was doing something that would do that, then he'd help out in amazing ways. If I wasn't, he was not going to help me do nothing.

My brother got the "I hate college" bug WAY worse than I did, and quit going, failed all his classes, and refused to go sign back up. So my dad sat him down and said "My job is to help you grow up and be a man. If you're not going to do that, I can't make you, but I sure as hell am not going to help you hang out with your buddies, riding around in my car, and sleeping til noon everyday. You are no longer a kid living at home, you're a tennant. And this house has strict rules...so you have to not only pay rent, but you also have to continue living by the rules I have established, including not coming and going whenever you feel like it, and you still have to help do the chores around this place. If you don't like it, there are plenty of dirt apartments downtown. Go get the paper and start hunting."

So my brother stayed at home, paying rent for a while. After a year or two, he figured out his life was going nowhere, and decided to go to Flight Safety flying academy. My dad helped him get the loans to go to this CRAZY expensive flight academy, helped him move his stuff down to Vero Beach, and as he was leaving my brother he reached in his pocket, pulled out every penny my brother ever paid in rent and told him not to blow it on dumb stuff.

He's now a commercial pilot for Republic Airlines, with a Bachelor's degree.

I can't promise that your boy would do the same...but I just hope he's not getting a free place to live. I know what my dad woulda said if my brother got tied up in a dumb lease that chewed up too much of his income to also make the rent payment..."Better figure that out before rent's due"

I've told my daughter, who is now 14, that as soon as she graduates High School, her free ride here ends. She either pays rent, or she's going to college. I hope I can be as tough as my dad was, and not help my kids fail.

As a dad, I also know this can be easier said than done.

Best of luck!
 
Good point about rent. he is only paying $100/month. So, he's getting by pretty cheap on that. I agree with you and your dad about not helping someone to waste their life. My wife and both kids can tell you in a heart beat that I can be the hardest ass on earth when I want to be (well next to Dave anyway...lol). It's tough though and I am just getting too old at 53 to deal with the b.s. Say....don't you have an extra room there in Atl....lol. I guess since my parents grew up in the great depression, they lived by the old saying: If you don't work, you don't eat. That applies to so many situations in life.
 
I told my boys after high school that it was collage or rent. Also they had to move out by 25. Granted there are circumstances that would cause me to open my house back for them to live but by 25 they need to be on their own. They are now 23 and 25 and both productive adults living on their own.
 
Gotta go with Steve on this one. Your job is to make him a man. If he fails, it should be for lack of you trying to help him. Boys need tough love often to grow up. Here's where I'd go from here if I was you (WWPD):

Rent should be market rate, including utilities. Rules same as before.

If that doesn't move him, pack his bags and change the locks. Seriously.
 
My youngest kept returning home and staying in an un-used hobby room we had added to the house. He left one day and we sold the room, moved it in one piece to a friends about 1 mile away, and planted grass. He came back the next day and looked at that and said "I guess I need to find a place to live". Has not been back since, plus he started knocking on the door when he visited.
 
Steve,

Once again, I'm amazed at how well you verbalized my position, as well. :)


I have no kids, but was a stepdad to my ex's kids for a number of years. I learned all about enabling. My GF has a total loser for a son - he's now 26. He doesn't live with Mom, but she helps him alot. He can't hold a job, makes poor decisions every day (including marrying the wrong girl for the wrong reason and fathering a child he cannot support financially), runs with the wrong crowd, etc. etc.

His mom is super responsible and sensible and just busts her ass to teach him right. It just doesn't stick. He's now in jail and she is devastated. When he gets out, he'll be on the street. I have helped her learn that she has done all she can and it's time to quit enabling and let him go, so to speak.

He does suffer from bipolar disorder and probably some other psych issues. But, that doesn't totally absolve him. He still can make decisions (like pursue assistance for meds) and take responsibility for the consequences of his actions - but he just won't. It's always someone else's fault.

Point is, no matter what you do as a parent, sometimes the kid doesn't turn out right. You can't hang that on the parent, and they can't be miserable their whole lives because of the way their kids turned out. At some point you have to acknowledge that you've done all you can and move on with your own life, always hoping they'll see the light and "grow up".
 
My oldest sister and I are productive citizens but there is a middle sister of ours that is over 40 and still sponging off my mom / step dad. This sister by the way has a masters degree in English.

I have told mom many times that in the long run she is not doing my sister any favors by continuing to enable her. My suggestion was give her six months warning that she finds a real job and place of her own or she is going to Star of Hope mission.

At least at Star of Hope they force you to develop career skills or you don't stay.
 
Here's my personal experience with this, not having kids of my own.

My brother (who is 10 yrs younger than me) had finished with Massage Therapy school years ago and was having trouble getting started. This was killing my Mom from her worrying. I would talk to him often about what he was doing and what I thought he should be doing. One day during our conversation he let slip he was living on a friends front porch!

I hung up, talked to Deb and we decided to offer him one last opportunity. I called him back and told him how hard it was on Mom the way he was living and that he needed to stop acting like a bum and take command of his life. My offer: pack up all your belongings (which only filled an Escort) drive from Georgia out here to Kansas. He could live with me for 6 months. No rent or food to worry about. While he was in my house, he had to spend every day/night figuring out, working towards a goal. I'd do everything I could to help him succeed, but after 6 months he was out....gone.....relegated to black sheep status. If he went back to Mom and Dad, I'd hunt him down.

He drove from GA to KS at the end of Jan 1997. With no heat in the car, he drove straight through and was a popcycle when he arrived at my house. We talked and laughed about that for hours (still do) and then we talked about what he wanted to do. I told him places locally that he may hook up with to do his massage therapy and the following Monday morning he set out on his quest.

It took him just a few days to land a job and get settled in. He lived in the front room by the wood stove since I didn't have extra bedrooms. He worked, planned and we always talked about what he was doing and where he wanted to go.
I gave him 6 months, he only needed a few before he was ready to move on. He went from a potential bum to a guy that now has a very large business and is currently planning to expand again into a very large facility. He's booked all the time and has a hair salon along with Chiropractors and many other massage therapists working for him.

He really has become the most productive and hardest working member of the entire family. He has most certainly made me and my parents proud! All he needed was a little guidance and a hand, the rest he did by himself.
 
That is an impressive effort and result from/for both of you.

You wouldn't be willing to open the door to say, my 22 year old daughter, would you? :craz Good kid, just can't seem to get up the nerve to take the first step out on her own. This generation seems to really have suffered from the whole "you're special" crap they have been giving kids in schools the past 15 or so years. Reality hits 'em hard when they have to leave the nest.
 
"Horseplay" said:
This generation seems to really have suffered from the whole "you're special" crap they have been giving kids in schools the past 15 or so years. Reality hits 'em hard when they have to leave the nest.
Click to expand...
Yep. A whole generation with high self esteem and no self respect.

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OK, I feel better now :lol
 
"Horseplay" said:
You wouldn't be willing to open the door to say, my 22 year old daughter, would you? :craz
Click to expand...


Sorry, I don't think Deb would be so willing for a 22 yr old girl :ep
 
"Horseplay" said:
You wouldn't be willing to open the door to say, my 22 year old daughter, would you?
Click to expand...

I'm soooo tempted...is there a picture? :naug
 
We have yet to hear from Dave on this one....? I am very appreciative of the words of advice and examples from everyone. I am just going to have to "sack-up" and do the tough love thing with him. He ain't making any moves on his own that I can tell. :cry :rp :po
 
I made a point of being such an ass to my daughter when she was growing up that she moved out promptly upon turning 18.

Seriously, we have a good relationship. She got an apartment near her college to avoid dorm life. And she is getting married in May, so I don't think she'll be moving back here.
 
We have yet to hear from Dave on this one....?
Click to expand...


Sorry guys.... I've been out of pocket for the past few days/weeks.

All of the advice given thus far has been great. You can clearly see that you're not in a unique position.

My oldest son.... who is now 30...... lives in our guest house and pays us rent to the tune of $600/month. This is same amount that the previous tenant paid so he's not getting any breaks from me. He does store his car and bike in my garage and I bitch every day to him that it'll be great when I have more room than I know what to do with again in my garage. He has an Associates degree, but due to his military service under the new GI Bill he could be getting a "free-ride" at just about any college he chose... plus a $1300+ a month living expense, plus free books and an allowance for tutoring.

WTF? Are you kidding me? Who the $%*#$ in their right mind would turn this down to sit around and play guitar all day?

My next oldest son went with my ex @ the divorce. She struggled after the divorce, I didn't. I pleaded over and over again with her to allow him to live with me before it was too late. Guess what? It's too late. He's now 23+ with no future. He dropped out of HS in his senior year with only 3 months until graduation. His main goal in life now is scoring his next bag of weed and avoiding the guy who he owes for his last bag. His mother still enables him by allowing him to reside in the finished basement with his GF.... only because they've worn their welcome out at every other place they've lived. His days there are numbered I'm sure. A prison cell or morgue slab should/will be his next room and him and I have discussed this at length. He realizes it, but is not willing to do anything to change his own circumstances. I fathered this child and literally brought him into this world when I cut his cord. I did a pretty decent job up until the time of the divorce and did my best afterwards. He knows the difference between right and wrong and is not mentally handicapped. The decisions he makes from this point on are his and his alone. It pains me greatly to say this, but so be it.


I'd like to think that it's a generational problem, but it's not. It's failure to parent and I accept that.

You do your best to teach your kids right from wrong and provide guidance and mentorship through their teen years, but there has to come that point where you have to accept that either you failed due to lack of effort or they failed just due to general stupidity. Either way, unless they're a full-time student the tie has to be cut. An adult should not be supporting another capable adult, period.

With him present, throw a dart at the nearest calendar and tell him that's the day that you're done. Maybe bringing home a shopping cart from the local Walmart and handing him a piece of cardboard and a Sharpie will nail the point home for him.

Good Luck!
 
"With him present, throw a dart at the nearest calendar and tell him that's the day that you're done. Maybe bringing home a shopping cart from the local Walmart and handing him a piece of cardboard and a Sharpie will nail the point home for him."

:lol

Oh, dear God...I just love this. You have made my day. thanks. :)
 
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