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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

The missus phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:

Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”
Me: “What about it?”
Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”
Me: “Right, I’ve done that”...
Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”
Me: “I can s...ee that, yeah.”
Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
Me: “Okay, I see them.”
Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”
Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
Her: “Can you see his feet?”
Me: “Yes, I can!”
Her: “Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”​
 
A plane is flying to Toronto when a blonde in economy moves up and sits in first class.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and says,
"Ma'am, you paid for economy, please return to your seat."

The blonde replies,
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant tells the pilot and co-pilot about the situation.
The co-pilot tries to explain, but the blonde repeats,
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here!"

The pilot says,
"She's blonde? I’ve got this - I speak Blonde. I'm married to one."
He walks over, whispers something in her ear, and she says,
"Oh, I’m sorry!" and returns to her seat in economy.

Everyone is stunned. "What did you say to her?" they ask.
He replies,
"I told her first class isn’t going to Toronto."
 
Red Riding Hood strolls through the forest when she hears a noise.
She finds the wolf crouching behind a bush.
She goes 'My, Wolf, what big eyes you have.'
And the Wolf goes 'For Christ's sake, you can't take a quiet sh*t around here.'
 
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
 
Paddy pulls up at the lights next to a lovely young lady, he smiles and lowers his window.
She smiles back and lowers her window, so Paddy leans across and says....
"Have you just farted as well?
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what is in the other bag?”
The old lady replies with a grin, “Well, not everybody pays.”​
 
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