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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighbourhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up and they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money and its fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" and puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door and says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

She says: "No"..

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the policemen sit the man down and begin to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

At this, the policeman looks at his partner and says: "We're outta here ..."​
 
The Seven Dwarves go to the Vatican and are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
‘Grumpy, my son,’ says the Pope, ‘ What can I do for you?’
Grumpy asks, ‘Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?’
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question thinks for a moment and answers,
‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome’
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back. ‘Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?’
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe'
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says ‘Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?’
The Pope, really confused by the questions says,
‘I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.’
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’​
 
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"​
 
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back into that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. Its too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.

The little boys says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandmother."
 
A receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off when a little old lady comes running towards her screaming.

“Please come quickly!” she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!”

The receptionist immediately rushes up to the old lady's room.

“Where is he?” asked the receptionist.

“He's over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment

“It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly “And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”

“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady “Try standing on the dresser!”​
 
2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending a great athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name. In those days the athletes performed naked (believe it or not).

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics".

Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.​
 
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