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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
I renewed my car insurance over the phone this morning, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.
I said, "Yes, i've got a dog."
She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"
I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren"
And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and
*poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini"
St. Peter looks perplexed, "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says...
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
 

jims6t6

Well-Known Member
Men's Help Line

The phone rings, and a man answers: "Thank you for calling Bob's Help Line, how can I help you?"

The caller replies: "Hi, my name is Steve and I really need your advice on a serious problem."

"That's what we are here for, can you share about your problem?"

"I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me."

"What made you suspect that?" replies the helpline man.

"The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Well, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
 

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate to sit at nearby tables so they could join in with boisterous and drunken revelry. The aviators would take it in turns to be first to chose the most beautiful maiden to seduce and tonight it was the turn of Marcel Bleu the famous French fighter ace.

At the stroke of midnight Marcel stands up, slowly looks around the ballroom, spies the most exquisite of ladies and says, "Tonight Cheri you are mine."

Amidst cheers and whistles Marcel escorts his prize up the stairs.

On entering his room Marcel walks to the cocktail cabinet, selects a bottle of Green Chartreuse soaks his finger with the sticky liqueur, wipes it on her lips and proceeds to lick it off. The young girl squeals in delight and says, "Oh Marcel I am in heaven".

To which Marcel replies, "When Marcel Bleu the famous French fighter ace kisses a woman she knows she 'as been kissed".

After several minutes of the most delicious and delicate foreplay Marcel arrives and a perfect areola surrounding an erect pink nipple. He walks to the cocktail cabinet and selecting a bottle of Chambord he drizzles it onto her nipple and proceeds to lick it off. "Oh Marcel", she says "I die in your arms tonight". To which Marcel retorts, "When Marcel Bleu the famous French fighter ace loves a woman, she knows that she 'as been loved".

Fifteen minutes later Marcel arrives at a perfect innie navel. He walks to the cocktail cabinet, selecting a bottle of Pastis he slowly fills her up and sucks it out. "Oh Marcel you are killing me" she murmurs, to which Marcel replies, "When Marcel Bleu the famous French fighter ace loves a woman no other man will do".

Some time later Marcel arrives and a moist, pink and gently throbbing vulva. He walks slowly to the cocktail cabinet and selects a bottle of 1875 Remy Martin. He slowly pours it into her pubes, steps back and throws a lit match in.

As her box explodes with a mighty woompf she dashes to the bar and using the soda siphon she puts out the flames. Looking down at her steaming, smoking wreck of a crotch piece she screams, "You stupid French bastard what did you do that for?".

To which Marcel replies,



When Marcel Bleu the famous French fighter ace goes down, 'e goes down in flames!

fd
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
An old man with a hearing problem crashed his car into a very expensive Mercedes.

The owner of the Merc jumps out and confronts the old man and says, “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”

The old man replies, “Wait-on a bit buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”

The old man dials his son, and as he’s about to speak the Mercedes owner yanks the phone out of his hand and says, “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, so bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”

The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”

In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Military Jeep, ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.

Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins"
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
So, I went for a job interview at a computer factory and the interviewers first question was "Right then, what can you tell me about a hard drive..??"
I said "Mate, I've driven across the country with the wife, 3 kids and 2 dogs a while back, so I can tell you anything you wanna know..!"
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.

Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. Amy takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be
bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious.”
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're disgusted by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
 

jims6t6

Well-Known Member
Cowboy Boots
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Margaret?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"It's hanging down, because it's looking at my new BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat."
 

JD08

Active Member
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh.

He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth...

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor... Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries... "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, it's surrounded by water, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Florida are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled an all-knowing smile… "I will create California…Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."
 

Turnall

Active Member
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"


Allen
 

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
Bernie Sanders goes to a union brothel

Bernie Sanders decides he wants to seek out a prostitute in a brothel, but not just any brothel will do. As a true champion of the working class he will only give his patronage to a true union institution.

He walks into the first brothel and he asks the owner, "if I were to pay $100, how much would go to the girl and how much would go to the house?"

"The girl would get $20 and I would get $80" the owner replies, causing Mr. Sanders to groan in response.

"That's an outrage! She's doing all the work, this is basically robbery!" He leaves in search of a more equitable institution.

At the next brothel he asks the same question; "if I were to pay $100, how much would go to the girl and how much would go to the house?"

"The girl and I would split it fifty-fifty" the owner replies.

"That's better than the last place, but you still take too much" Sanders says. He leaves to find yet another one.

At the final brothel he approaches the owner once more and, depressed that he might not find a true union institution, asks one final time. "if I were to pay $100, how much would go to the girl and how much would go to the house?"

"I would only take $20 and the girl would get $80" the owner replied.

Bernie Sanders nodded his head. "I like that, now this is a real union establishment right here! I would like to see what girls are available."

So the owner lines up all of the girls. Two of them that stand out are one very, very old woman he has no interest in and one young very, very young Latina with huge tits. "I'd like that one" he says, pointing at the latina.

To his confusion the old woman steps forward and takes his hand. "Then let's get to it handsome" she says with the gravelly voice of a lifelong smoker.

"What? No, I asked for a different woman!" He steps back.

"This is a union establishment," she replies, "and I have seniority."

fd
 
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