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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Don’t mess with old people!
 
Two little old ladies, Mira and Tara, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall in where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Mira leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore.
For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show"!
"You're on!", said Tara, holding up a $10 bill.
So, Mira slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.
Then, completely na*ked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Mira came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
"What happened", asked Tara ?
"I won $100 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"
 
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her," she says.
 
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.", frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next term in her biology class."
 
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands in a prenatal class.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
 
A kindergarten teacher handed out a colouring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to colour the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, coloured the duck in a bright fire truck red.

After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
 
A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
 
A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams, turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a 4-week-old puppy."

"Bull ****!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
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I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

"I wish to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "that is the only wish that I'm not allowed to grant."

"Fine," I said. "Then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"



"You're a crafty little bastard," replied the fairy.
 
Golden Saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works—hell, even the urinal’s gold!"

The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day she checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes, it is," the bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"We most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
 
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist said, "You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can!

Look at him, he's afraid to cough
 
A Month Overdue
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill. "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
 
An Australian politician goes to a fortune teller and asks her what will happen in the near future.

She says, "I see you in a limousine driving through a happy crowd... people laugh and applaud, jump to express their happiness, and they all have big smiles on their faces."

The politician asks her, "Do I wave back to the crowd?"

"No", she says, "The coffin is closed.
 
A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche car, shocked, his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, "I thought my husband was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back.

This morning I got a phone call from my husband he claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.................................................. So I did.”
 
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