little johnny

[scedd]

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.
It's opened by little Johnny, a 10-year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little Johnny: "What do you think?"



Dirty Little Johnny is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Little Johnny answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Little Johnny, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Little Johnny, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Little Johnny replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

 

[scedd]

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Johnny.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'



LITTLE Johnny ON ENGLISH
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Johnny says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'



LITTLE Johnny ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully..'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnny.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

 

[Dennis Harrelson]

It's Little Johnny's first day of kindergarten. At snack time, the teacher passes out graham crackers and milk. Coming to Johnny, she hands him his snack, he promptly states "I don't want none o' that shit!"
The teacher of course is flabbergasted, so much so that she calls for a conference with Johnny's parents. The next day Johnny, his father, the teacher and principal meet. Teacher hands Johnny a graham cracker, he tells her "I told ya, i don't want none o' that shit!"
The teacher turns to Johnny's father "Did you hear that?" she exclaims indignantly, "What do you expect me to do with such a child?"
The old man looks puzzled, scratches his head, and says "Well, if he don't want none o' that shit, fuck 'im. Don't give 'im none."

 

[FordDude]

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day.

She took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny, this is where you come from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a little shit."

fd

 

[FordDude]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

fd

 

[scedd]

Teacher tells the class to make a sentence using the word "dough".

Little Jane raises her hand "In Italy they make pizza using using special dough." Very good says the teacher.

Little Mary raises he hand "My baby brother makes dinosaurs out of play dough." Excellent says the teacher.

Little Johnny raise his hand, "My mummy says dad is so useless that she has to use a dil dough."