A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.
He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.
The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'
===========
Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter.
He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
He knew Michele would go friggin' ballistic.
Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny.
"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.
The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head.
"This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
Maybe there's something else you'd like?"
Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
"I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo.
"But I’m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo.
"You see Hillary isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have another look at the dog!"
===========
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
'I should be in charge,' said the brain, 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'
'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'
'I should be in charge,' said the stomach , 'because I process food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!
===========
When I was born, I was BLACK
When I grew up, I was BLACK
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK
When I got cold, I was BLACK
When I was scared, I was BLACK
When I was sick, I was BLACK
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK
.
NOW, you 'white' folks . .. .
.
When you're born, you're PINK
When you grow up, you're WHITE
When you go in the sun, you get RED
When you're cold, you turn BLUE
When you're scared, you're YELLOW
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE
And when you die, you look GREY
.
So why y'all be callin' us
COLORED Folks?
===========
GOD WENT TO THE ARABS and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shall not kill." "Not kill? We"re not interested."
So He went to the BLACKS and said, "I have Commandments." The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother." "Father? We don"t know who our fathers are. We"re not interested."
Then He went to the MEXICANS and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans also wanted an example; and the Lord said, "Thou shall not steal." "Not steal? We"re not interested".
Then He went to the FRENCH and said,"I have Commandments." The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." "_Sacre bleu_!!! Not commit adultery? We"re not interested."
Finally, He went to the JEWS and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?" "They"re free." "We"ll take 10."
fd
He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.
The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'
===========
Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter.
He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
He knew Michele would go friggin' ballistic.
Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny.
"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.
The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head.
"This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
Maybe there's something else you'd like?"
Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
"I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo.
"But I’m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo.
"You see Hillary isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have another look at the dog!"
===========
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
'I should be in charge,' said the brain, 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'
'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'
'I should be in charge,' said the stomach , 'because I process food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!
===========
When I was born, I was BLACK
When I grew up, I was BLACK
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK
When I got cold, I was BLACK
When I was scared, I was BLACK
When I was sick, I was BLACK
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK
.
NOW, you 'white' folks . .. .
.
When you're born, you're PINK
When you grow up, you're WHITE
When you go in the sun, you get RED
When you're cold, you turn BLUE
When you're scared, you're YELLOW
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE
And when you die, you look GREY
.
So why y'all be callin' us
COLORED Folks?
===========
GOD WENT TO THE ARABS and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shall not kill." "Not kill? We"re not interested."
So He went to the BLACKS and said, "I have Commandments." The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother." "Father? We don"t know who our fathers are. We"re not interested."
Then He went to the MEXICANS and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans also wanted an example; and the Lord said, "Thou shall not steal." "Not steal? We"re not interested".
Then He went to the FRENCH and said,"I have Commandments." The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." "_Sacre bleu_!!! Not commit adultery? We"re not interested."
Finally, He went to the JEWS and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?" "They"re free." "We"ll take 10."
fd
