Conan O'Brien: "The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job."
Jon Stewart: "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
Jim Gaffigan: "Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'"
Stephen Colbert: "Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."
Johnny Carson: "Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often."
Erin Gibson: "People always think of Chinese food as the go-to ethnic food when everything else is closed during the holidays, but Indian is a nice alternative. Plus -- Indians? Thanksgiving? Kinda makes sense..."
Kevin James: "Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."
Andre Kelley: "This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults' table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate."
George Carlin: "We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing."
Greg Proops: "Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'"
David Letterman: Top Ten Signs You Had A Bad Thanksgiving
10."You ran out of booze by 11 a.m."
9."Most frequently used word at dinner: Heimlich"
8."Meal was leftovers from last Thanksgiving"
7."Thanks to new electric knife, kids fought over wishbone and your severed thumb"
6."The 'turkey' was wearing a dog collar"
5."Spent day in Times Square waiting for the giant turkey to drop"
4."Woke up from tryptophan-induced sleep to find yourself naked in the driveway"
3."When dinner came out, so did your son"
2."Laura and the twins lock you out"
1."Your turkey dinner was the only breast you've touched all year"
Roseanne Barr: "Here I am 5 o'clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt..."
Larry Omaha: "My mother won't celebrate Thanksgiving. She says it represents the white man stealing our land. But she's not angry, she figures, 'What the hell, we're taking it back one casino at a time.'"
Greg Behrendt: "I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right."
Hari Kondabolu: "I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. And it's not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans. But vegan Thanksgiving -- that's just spitting on the graves, isn't it?"
Stephanie Howard: "My mom has a little nickname for [when I came out]. She calls it 'the Thanksgiving that Stephanie ruined.' All time is told in our family tree by this one day. I'll go, 'Hey Mom, what year did Grandpa have his heart surgery?' 'Well, let's see. The Thanksgiving that you ruined was in '92, so that means he had his surgery in '67.'"
Dave Barry: "Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation."
Jay Leno: "You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out."
Jack Handey: "If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars!'"
fd
Jon Stewart: "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
Jim Gaffigan: "Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'"
Stephen Colbert: "Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."
Johnny Carson: "Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often."
Erin Gibson: "People always think of Chinese food as the go-to ethnic food when everything else is closed during the holidays, but Indian is a nice alternative. Plus -- Indians? Thanksgiving? Kinda makes sense..."
Kevin James: "Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."
Andre Kelley: "This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults' table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate."
George Carlin: "We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing."
Greg Proops: "Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'"
David Letterman: Top Ten Signs You Had A Bad Thanksgiving
10."You ran out of booze by 11 a.m."
9."Most frequently used word at dinner: Heimlich"
8."Meal was leftovers from last Thanksgiving"
7."Thanks to new electric knife, kids fought over wishbone and your severed thumb"
6."The 'turkey' was wearing a dog collar"
5."Spent day in Times Square waiting for the giant turkey to drop"
4."Woke up from tryptophan-induced sleep to find yourself naked in the driveway"
3."When dinner came out, so did your son"
2."Laura and the twins lock you out"
1."Your turkey dinner was the only breast you've touched all year"
Roseanne Barr: "Here I am 5 o'clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt..."
Larry Omaha: "My mother won't celebrate Thanksgiving. She says it represents the white man stealing our land. But she's not angry, she figures, 'What the hell, we're taking it back one casino at a time.'"
Greg Behrendt: "I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right."
Hari Kondabolu: "I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. And it's not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans. But vegan Thanksgiving -- that's just spitting on the graves, isn't it?"
Stephanie Howard: "My mom has a little nickname for [when I came out]. She calls it 'the Thanksgiving that Stephanie ruined.' All time is told in our family tree by this one day. I'll go, 'Hey Mom, what year did Grandpa have his heart surgery?' 'Well, let's see. The Thanksgiving that you ruined was in '92, so that means he had his surgery in '67.'"
Dave Barry: "Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation."
Jay Leno: "You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out."
Jack Handey: "If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars!'"
fd