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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Paddy goes for a job at the council and gets the position of putting the telegraph poles into the ground.. at the end of the first day he was asked how many he had done...

"Three boss." he said...

"That's nowhere near enough Paddy, if you want this job, buck your ideas up"

By the end of the week Paddy had increased to five, but the boss said that still wasn't anywhere near enough...

Three weeks in and Paddy can't do any more than six... so the boss takes him out in his car to an avenue where his top man did fourteen in one day...
Paddy said... "Yeah but look how much he's left sticking out the ground"...
 
Super Strength
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream and a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
 
The perfect gift
I got my wife the perfect gift, memory sole inserts for her shoes. That what no matter what room she goes into she can remember what she went into them for.

fd
 
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she sputtered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
 
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars" the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
 
Two old ladies were discussing their husbands. One said, “I do wish George would stop biting his nails. It’s such a horrible habit.” Her friend said, “My Arnold used to do the same. But I eventually cured him of it.” “How did you do that?”
“I hid his teeth.”
 
Crashed my car today and ended up between two houses. In the left house lived Mr and Mrs Smith and in the right house lived Mr and Mrs Ball. Luckily I was dragged out by the Smiths!!
 
A male student asked his English professor,
"What is the definition of a dilemma?"
The professor said, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that."
"Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other."
"Who are you going to turn your back on?
 
A former Sergeant in the Marines found a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back and was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart kids, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were suspicious of him and he knew they would be testing the discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence.
The rest of the year went very smoothly.
 
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Sent from my motorola one 5G using Tapatalk
 
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
 
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