Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."

The rude son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."​

There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.

As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.

This was the first time this had occurredAs was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived.

Father answered the door and the lad said, “Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, “My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty. We are gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?”

Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went. The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, “Hi, my name's Chuck –“and the farmer shot him.​

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden: POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!?! Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!' Then POOF!... she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?' Fred yells back, 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!​

A Chinese man moved to Australia after years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa. Soon after, his friendly Aussie neighbour decided to go across and welcome the new guy. But on his way up the drive-way, the Aussie saw the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decided to visit the Chinese the next day.

The next day, just as he was about to knock on the front door, he saw through the window the Chinese man urinated into a glass and then drank his own urine. Again not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decided to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later the Aussie decided to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he saw the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, paused, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke couldn't take it anymore, so he went up to the Chinese and said 'Jeez mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum.'

The Chinese was taken back 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs. I doing these Australian customs.'

'What do you mean mate' said the Aussie, 'those aren't Australian customs.'

'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man. 'He say to become true Australian you learn to chase chicks, drink piss and listen to bull shi*!!..​

Paddy decided to go over to London to look for work. He was telling his local shop keeper, Mrs. Dunn about his upcoming trip.

"Could you do me a huge favour, Patrick, when you get there?" asked Mrs. Dunn with a tear in her eye. "Anything for you, Mrs. Dunn", replied Paddy.

Mrs. Dunn seemed to cheer up a bit, "You see, almost 2 years it's been, my only son Neely went to London and he hasn't even written to me once since he got there!" "Could you please look him up and get him to write me a little note, just to say he is OK". "He said he was going to London, WC3". Patrick agrees.

When Paddy arrives at Heathrow Airport, he sees a sign that says 'Welcome to London'. Next he sees a sign with an arrow that says 'WC'.

Paddy walks in to the WC's and walks straight up to the 3rd door and knocks loudly. "This is occupied" came a man's voice.

"Yeah, but are you Neely Dunn?"

"Yes" came a timid reply, "But I haven't got any paper!"

"Well that's NO Reason for not writing to your Mother!" shouts Paddy.​

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens home. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while the lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact" "****" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the senior citizens' center and Claude was never invited there again.​

I phoned my local radio station today.
When the guy answered the phone he said “Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize”.
“Whoohoo” I shouted with joy.
“It’s a maths question” he said “are you feeling confident?”
“I’ve got a degree in math, and teach at our local school” I proudly said.
“Okay then, to win the two VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage after the show. So, here's the question, what is 2 + 2?”.
“7” I replied......​

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...' 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.​

Once upon a time, there were these twin brother’s named John and Bill Jones. John was happily married to a beautiful woman and bill was the proud owner of a dilapidated rowboat.

One day, John’s wife up and died, and on that same day, Bill’s boat sank. A couple of day’s later, and an old lady walks up to Bill thinking he was John and said, ” Mr. Jones, I am so sorry for your loss. You must be really sad.”

To this Bill replied,” I’m not the least bit sorry. She was a rotten thing right from the start. She had a crack in the back, a pretty big hole in the front, and she smelled of dead fish. I got so I could handle her okay, but if I let anyone else use her, she would leak like anything. The hole in front kept getting bigger and bigger, and she would take on water pretty quick.

But this is what finished her. Four guys from out of town were looking for a good time, and asked me if I would rent her out to them. I told them what she was like, but they didn’t care. The problem was, they all tried to get into her at once, and that caused her to split right up the middle.”

The old lady fainted on the spot.​

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.

‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.

‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’

‘No, Silly,’ the blonde said, ‘first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’
‘So then?’ asked the doctor. ‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’
‘So then?’ asked the doctor. ‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.​