Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Paddy says to Mick "I found a pen, is it yours?" Mick replies,"I don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says "Yes it's mine." Paddy asks, "How do you know?" Mick replies. "That's my handwriting!"
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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here
- Thread starter Aussie67
- Start date
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."
Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."
The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."
Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."
The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry...
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, anything you want after all you're the boss". But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers. "Fish?" Queries Noah. "Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!" Noah looks to the skies, "OK God, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Check". With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check" "But why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
"Well...." says God, "I just thought it would be nice to have a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"
Noah replies, "No probs God, anything you want after all you're the boss". But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers. "Fish?" Queries Noah. "Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!" Noah looks to the skies, "OK God, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Check". With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check" "But why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
"Well...." says God, "I just thought it would be nice to have a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"
funkaholik
Active Member
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America's health insurance situation.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
funkaholik
Active Member
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”
With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.”
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.”
The father dialled the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”
He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!”
The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”
With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.”
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.”
The father dialled the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”
He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!”
The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
Mach1 Driver
Well-Known Member
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Borrowed this from that other site.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
HP recommend that you only use HP products in their printers.
I just put HP sauce in my InkJet and it blew the fecker up!
I just put HP sauce in my InkJet and it blew the fecker up!
funkaholik
Active Member
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Two weeks ago I saw a mouse so big that I had to rap it around the head twice with my shoe to render it unconscious
Anyway, now I'm banned fron Disneyland
Anyway, now I'm banned fron Disneyland
Reminds me of the Beverly Hillbilly episode where Granny sees a large mouse or rat, not knowing it was a kangaroo!
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A Chinese man moved to Australia after years of living in Shanghai. He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
Soon after, his friendly Aussie neighbour decided to go across and welcome the new guy. But on his way up the drive-way, the Aussie saw the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decided to visit the Chinese the next day.
The next day, just as he was about to knock on the front door, he saw through the window the Chinese man urinated into a glass and then drank his own urine. Again not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decided to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later the Aussie decided to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he saw the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, paused, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke couldn't take it anymore, so he went up to the Chinese and said Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum.'
The Chinese was taken back 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs. I doing these Australian customs.' 'What do you mean mate' said the Aussie, 'those aren't Australian customs.
'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man. 'He say to become true Australian, you learn to chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-****!!..
Soon after, his friendly Aussie neighbour decided to go across and welcome the new guy. But on his way up the drive-way, the Aussie saw the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decided to visit the Chinese the next day.
The next day, just as he was about to knock on the front door, he saw through the window the Chinese man urinated into a glass and then drank his own urine. Again not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decided to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later the Aussie decided to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he saw the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, paused, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke couldn't take it anymore, so he went up to the Chinese and said Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum.'
The Chinese was taken back 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs. I doing these Australian customs.' 'What do you mean mate' said the Aussie, 'those aren't Australian customs.
'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man. 'He say to become true Australian, you learn to chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-****!!..
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 19 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you ?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. Did you put that condom on ?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did" and held up my thumb to show her!
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you ?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. Did you put that condom on ?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did" and held up my thumb to show her!
Last edited:
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
'To My Dear Wife.
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
‘My Dear Husband.
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.' Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!!.
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.' Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!!.