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Bad Jokes, anyone? I'll start...

Dennis Harrelson

Dennis Harrelson

Member
Little Johnny is on vacation with his family, seeing the country off the beaten paths. One day they stop for lunch at a small diner in a forgotten corner of Montana, where Johnny sees a real cowboy seated at the counter. Barely able to contain himself, Johnny approaches the man.
"Gee, mister, can I ask you some questions?"
"Sure, son," says the cowboy, "Fire away."
"Well," says Johnny, "I've always wondered why cowboys wear cowboy hats."
"Well, son, these hats are a very important piece of gear for a cowboy. The wide brim shades our head from the hot sun, and keeps the rain from running down our necks in a storm. We'd be lost without our hats."
"Ok, I see", says Johnny. "Well, what about those funny looking pants? Why do you wear those?"
"Well," says the cowboy, "these are called chaps, and they're another important piece of cowboy gear. They're made from a heavy leather, and lay across our legs when we're in the saddle so as to guard our legs from cacti, or sage, or whatever we may get brushed against while we're riding"
"Oh, I see", Johnny says. "Well, what about those Nike sneakers? Why do you wear thse?"
"Son, those are so people know we're not truck drivers."

Rimshot1.gif
 
I see so many little Johnny jokes and most of which cannot be posted in the gum flappers lounge. Most are pretty lame, but that is actually funny. So I give it :lol :lol out of 4. fd
 
okay, I have a bad joke...
The Pope & Tiger Woods...(sorry, 1 more Tiger joke)

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.
"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."
 
Hi Mom, How are you" ?

"Hi Son, where are you ?
I thought you were with your father at Home Depot Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."

What happened ?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."
 
Boudreaux The Coonarse

After a life of sin Boudreaux dies and is sent to hell.One day the devil comes by and Boudreaux is in the corner smiling .The devil asks him...Why you smiling? It warm here,almost feel like springtime in Nawleens.Boudreaux replies. The devil turns up the HEAT!

Next day same thing. Why you smiling? It hot! Feel like Bourbon Street on the 4th of July!! The devil turned off all the Heat thinking he'd show him!!

Next day again... The devil said I don't think you understand.You died Boudreaux and this is Hell.Nothing here is good! Why you still smiling???
Boudreaux looks around @ the snow falling and the ice everywhere and says...DA SAINTS MUST HAVE WON DA SUPERBOWL BABY!!!!!!!!
 
A guy down at the meat packing plant got fired for sticking his finger in the bacon slicer....



of course, she got fired too.
 
Bad Jokes, anyone? And another...

A priest, a minister and a Rabbi walked into their favorite bar, where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop.

On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day PRAISING Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

fd
 
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night is this to be getting home? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. AND ON AND ON AND ON.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak In the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her Husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.


He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 
"tarafied1" said:
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
Click to expand...

Speaking of Wright I worked at a place where I was not the only Tim. More than that we were both Tim W. The other Tim was Tim Wright so that made me Tim not Wright. :hide
Rimshot1.gif

fd
 
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
 
so that made me Tim not Wright.
Click to expand...


This should surprise no-one here.....



I used to work with a guy named.... and I kid you not.... Anthony Foote.

Yes. Toe-knee-foot.

WTF were his parents thinking?
 
More that the parents of a guy I used to work with...

His name was Richard Lis

I kid you not... I almost cried laughing the first time the office girl paged "Dick Lis" :lol
 
I almost cried laughing the first time the office girl paged "Dick Lis"
Click to expand...


I can imagine it as I'm laughing my arse off right now.



We had a vietnamese girl working at the office whose last name was Phuk..... yeah, that was awkward.
 
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
 
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Lutherans watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic'
 
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