funkaholik
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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here
- Thread starter Aussie67
- Start date
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin.
Out came a card that said "You weigh 126 pounds. and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine.
After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be ravished" Again, after 30 seconds, 2 men came out of an alley, dragged her back into the alley and attacked her.
Afterwards, fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She dragged herself over to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, "you still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus".
Out came a card that said "You weigh 126 pounds. and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine.
After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be ravished" Again, after 30 seconds, 2 men came out of an alley, dragged her back into the alley and attacked her.
Afterwards, fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She dragged herself over to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, "you still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus".
Your word salad of the day.
fd
fd
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
I'm 81 and I have so many unanswered questions........
I still haven't found out Who Let The Dogs Out...Where's the Beef...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...why do all flavours of fruit loops taste exactly the same......why eggs are packaged in flimsy Styrofoam or paper cartons, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails...why some men shave while driving.. why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... "abv" why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why does the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret?? why does Hawaii have interstate Highways?...why we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? For Pete's sake why is there Brail on drive-thru ATMs?
Do you really think I am this witty?? I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's, uncle's cousin's, baby momma's doctor who lived next door to an old class mate's mail man...Now it is your turn to take it from me..
I still haven't found out Who Let The Dogs Out...Where's the Beef...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...why do all flavours of fruit loops taste exactly the same......why eggs are packaged in flimsy Styrofoam or paper cartons, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails...why some men shave while driving.. why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... "abv" why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why does the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret?? why does Hawaii have interstate Highways?...why we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? For Pete's sake why is there Brail on drive-thru ATMs?
Do you really think I am this witty?? I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's, uncle's cousin's, baby momma's doctor who lived next door to an old class mate's mail man...Now it is your turn to take it from me..
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A woman hears her husband cursing up a storm from behind the bathroom door. She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?"
Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my butt. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there and it *hurt*!"
"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you.
Here, let me give you the suppository - - I don't mind."
Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a blood curdling scream.
"Sh!t!" Says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"
"No!" Cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"
Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my butt. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there and it *hurt*!"
"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you.
Here, let me give you the suppository - - I don't mind."
Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a blood curdling scream.
"Sh!t!" Says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"
"No!" Cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
We received about 4 inches of snow yesterday and this has become the world we live in now.
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:22 - The transgender man.. woman...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not used to decorate snow figures.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.
8:37 - Then I was accused of using a black face on the snowperson.
8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered.
8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The 'council on equality' officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding that I be arrested.
9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:22 - The transgender man.. woman...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not used to decorate snow figures.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.
8:37 - Then I was accused of using a black face on the snowperson.
8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered.
8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The 'council on equality' officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding that I be arrested.
9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.
10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman.
Last edited:
funkaholik
Active Member
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Ol' Doc McTavish had a slow schedule, and a hankering to go golfing. But by the time he decided to go, his office assistant, Seamus, had already booked three appointments, right in the middle of the day. Doc McTavish came up with a plan.
"Seamus," he said, "I can't cancel the appointments, so I want you to see the three patients."
"Yes, sir!" the always obedient Seamus replied.
The doctor has a great round of golf, and then rushes back to the office to see how things went.
"How did things go?" the anxious medic asks his assistant.
"The first patient had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."
"Bravo, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.
"Excellent! You're good at this! And what about the third one?" he asks.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a beautiful young woman burst through. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything, and she lay down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Fierce, Seamus!" said the astounded doctor. "What did ye do? for that one?"
"I gave her eye drops!"
"Seamus," he said, "I can't cancel the appointments, so I want you to see the three patients."
"Yes, sir!" the always obedient Seamus replied.
The doctor has a great round of golf, and then rushes back to the office to see how things went.
"How did things go?" the anxious medic asks his assistant.
"The first patient had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."
"Bravo, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.
"Excellent! You're good at this! And what about the third one?" he asks.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a beautiful young woman burst through. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything, and she lay down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Fierce, Seamus!" said the astounded doctor. "What did ye do? for that one?"
"I gave her eye drops!"
fd
funkaholik
Active Member
fd
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A tourist couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.
While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”
The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”
The husband's eyebrows lifted.
The deadly chase was recorded.
Click below.....
While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”
The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”
The husband's eyebrows lifted.
The deadly chase was recorded.
Click below.....
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Just had my 6th driving lesson, but I'm sure I am getting ripped off...., The instructor said, "well done Mick next week you can sit in the front ."