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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

In a tutorial a psychology professor showed his four students, one each from Ireland, Scotland, Wales and England, an empty glass. "Imagine this is life", he said. He took some pebbles from his pocket and filled the glass to the brim. "Now, is it full?" he said. "Yes," they replied, at which point he took a handful of gravel, which trickled round the pebbles and also came up to the top of glass. "Now is it full?" he said. "Yes," they said. So took a handful of sand and poured it onto the gravel and pebbles, and naturally a substantial amount trickled in until it reached the top of the glass. "So, what's your conclusion?" said the professor. "Well," said the English student, "obviously it's that it's the little things that really give you a full life. "Not at all," said the Welsh student. "If you'd put the sand in first there'd have been no room for the gravel or pebbles. So the lesson is you must achieve the big things in your life if you want a full life." "But, you've both missed the point," said the Scottish student. "You have to give every aspect of your life its due priority, whether it's big or little." "So what do you think?" said the professor to the Irish student, who reached into his pocket and produced a bottle of Guinness. He removed the top, and poured some into the glass, then drank the rest, and said "No matter how full you think your life is there's always room for a drop of Guinness."​
 
Little Johnny tells his teacher that he found a dead cat.

How did you know it was dead, asks the teacher.

Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move, replied Johnny.

You did what screamed the teacher.

You know, I leaned over and went pssst in its ear and it just lay there and didn't move.​
 
Two old ladies sitting in church.
One leans over and whispers to the other "my butt is going to sleep."
"The other replies, "I know I have heard it snore three times."
 
A man told the doctor : "My wife's pregnant, but we haven't had sex in over a year. I don't understand it."
The doctor said : "It's what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."
"What's a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man.
The doctor replied : "Well, somebody's obviously had it in for you"
 
A man boarded the first-class section of a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Murphy diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible evil curse that goes with it." The man inquired, “What is the curse?” "That would be Mr. Murphy."​
 
Ryan was being examined by old Doc Murphy, who, after a thorough examination said, "Yes, it is chronic evil which has deprived you of health and happiness." "Shh!" cautioned Ryan. "For heaven's sake doc, speak softly, the wife is sitting in the next room."
 
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?” “That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.” After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
 
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of love making. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen. “Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me....
" No problem!" he says and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of the forehead, his member grow until it is impressively long. "Well!" she says. "That's quite impressive, but its still pretty narrow..."
"No, problem!" he says and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull his member grow wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made passionate love. The next day they meet up with their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along Mike asks "Well? Was it any good?"
"I hate to say it" says Maureen, " but It was pretty wonderful! How about you?"
"It was horrible!" He replies, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"​
 
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.
Seamus shook his head and asked, "Who the hell do they do that?"
"Do what?" asked Mick.
"Go on them bikes for miles and miles, up and down the hills, round the bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's icy, rainin, snowin, hailin... why would they torture themselves like that?"
"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick. "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?
"Yeah, I understand that," said Seamus, "but why do all the others do it?"
 
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