Aussie67
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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here
- Thread starter Aussie67
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Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!”
The officer calmly told him of his violation.
The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and pastimes in explicit terms.
The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put “AH” in the corner and then handed it to the man to sign.
The man demanded to know what “AH” meant.
The officer said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you were such an asshole!” and then returned to his cruiser.
The violator’s bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him. The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, “Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don’t normally make?”
“Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there’s an underlined ‘AH.'”
“What does ‘AH’ stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for ‘asshole’?”
The officer said. “Well, sir, you know your client better than I!”
The officer calmly told him of his violation.
The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and pastimes in explicit terms.
The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put “AH” in the corner and then handed it to the man to sign.
The man demanded to know what “AH” meant.
The officer said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you were such an asshole!” and then returned to his cruiser.
The violator’s bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him. The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, “Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don’t normally make?”
“Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there’s an underlined ‘AH.'”
“What does ‘AH’ stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for ‘asshole’?”
The officer said. “Well, sir, you know your client better than I!”
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.
Her husband won’t listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals.
The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.
At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. She’s intrigued by all of them and then sees a bird as big as a bald eagle, but that looks like a parrot with all its colors. She asks the store clerk what the bird is, and the clerk replies “Oh, it’s a goony bird! We just got it from Siberia! It’s tame really, go on and pet it!” So the woman did, and the goony bird affectionately rubbed its beak against the back of her hand.
“That’s not all it can do!” continued the clerk. “These birds, aside from being loyal to their owners, are also used as protection birds! And so the clerk said “Goony bird! The shelf!” And the goony bird extended its large wings to their full span and flew over to the shelf across the room. It then proceeded to destroy and demolish the shelf. Once all that remained of the shelf was a pile of kindling, it went back to its shelf.
The clerk continued, “Goony bird! The birdcage!” And so the goony bird destroyed the metal birdcage.
The woman bought the goony bird instantly. She went back home to find her husband, no surprise, sitting on the couch, watching the big game.
“You’re back,” he grumbles, barely looking up. “Have you got any salsa and chips for me? The cabinet’s out of it.”
The woman smiles. “Honey, you won’t believe what I got from the store! It’s a goony bird, from Siberia!”
The husband snorted with his usual put-down tone. “Goony bird, my ass!”
The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.
At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. She’s intrigued by all of them and then sees a bird as big as a bald eagle, but that looks like a parrot with all its colors. She asks the store clerk what the bird is, and the clerk replies “Oh, it’s a goony bird! We just got it from Siberia! It’s tame really, go on and pet it!” So the woman did, and the goony bird affectionately rubbed its beak against the back of her hand.
“That’s not all it can do!” continued the clerk. “These birds, aside from being loyal to their owners, are also used as protection birds! And so the clerk said “Goony bird! The shelf!” And the goony bird extended its large wings to their full span and flew over to the shelf across the room. It then proceeded to destroy and demolish the shelf. Once all that remained of the shelf was a pile of kindling, it went back to its shelf.
The clerk continued, “Goony bird! The birdcage!” And so the goony bird destroyed the metal birdcage.
The woman bought the goony bird instantly. She went back home to find her husband, no surprise, sitting on the couch, watching the big game.
“You’re back,” he grumbles, barely looking up. “Have you got any salsa and chips for me? The cabinet’s out of it.”
The woman smiles. “Honey, you won’t believe what I got from the store! It’s a goony bird, from Siberia!”
The husband snorted with his usual put-down tone. “Goony bird, my ass!”
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that.....can I see her wun awound"
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that.....can I see her wun awound"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."