Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

[funkaholik]

 

[Aussie67]

An old couple, Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.

Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later the old man Abe turns to his wife and asks “Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”

“Oy, no! I'm sorry, I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther “I didn't send that one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him “So, why did you kiss me?”​

Abe answers “They'll find us".

 

[Aussie67]

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

But, "How do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, actually, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

 

[funkaholik]

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a car magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently taps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"
The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper asks: "And what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."
Now, the trooper is totally confused: A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing inappropriate is happening!"
The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says: "I'm 20, sir."
The trooper asks: "And how old is she?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

 

[Aussie67]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Trev says to Greg behind him, “shxt! My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Greg replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at the Shell Station repair shop. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a lot cheaper than a doctor.”
So Trev deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the Shell Station. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.”
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Trev began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Trev hurries back to BP, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Shell.