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Jokes unfit for the Gumflappers

Dennis Harrelson

Dennis Harrelson

Member
Little johnny lived next to a truck stop. Naturally, he was enamored of the big rigs and their macho drivers. One day while playing truck driver on his tricycle, Johnny finds a cap on the ground, with "K-W" and underneath that, "Powered by CAT" imprinted on the crown. Of course, Johnny's delighted, and immediately puts the cap on, and continues with his pretend driving. Soon enough, a rig pulls into the truck stop. Johnny gets right behind as it pulls toward the pump, "Vrooom, Vroom", pedaling for all he's worth.
The truck pulls up to the fuel pump, Johnny right beside.
The driver gets out, growls "Fill 'er up" to the pump jockey.
Johnny says to the jockey, "Fill 'er up."
The driver heads to the diner, Johnny right behind.
The driver sits at the counter, Johnny sits right beside him.
The driver says "Gimme a coffee, black."
Johnny says "Gimme a coffee, black too."
The driver doesn't acknowledge the kid, and sits drinking his coffee. Johnny sits beside him, sipping coffee and trying for all he's worth to look like a driver.
Pretty soon, the driver heads for the john, little Johnny tagging along at his heels. The pair are standing at the urinals when the driver finally deigns to notice Johnny.
"How's it hangin', kid?"
"Oh, I'm fine, Sir," says Johnny.
"What ya think of this dick?" says the driver, giving his member a shake. "Pretty big, ain't it?"
"Oh, yes, sir. it sure is."
"How'd you like to suck it?" asks the driver, with an evil grin.
"Oh, no, sir", says Johnny. "I just found this hat. I ain't no REAL truck driver"
 
A young man, soon to be married, is painting his honeymoon cottage in preparation for the big day. Up on the ladder, he begins daydreaming about the night of bliss he's expecting, causing a throbbing erection. Distracted, he leans too far, falls from the ladder, and lands smack on his stomach, breaking his peter. He goes to the doctor. The doctor says "What can I tell you? Your peter's broke. I'm gonna have to put it in a cast."
The boy pleads with the doctor "But, please Doc, I'm getting married tommorrow. I can't have my peter in a cast."
The doctor thinks a minute, says "Well, maybe I can splint it." so he gets a couple tounge depressors, some gauze, wraps the dude's peter up and sends him on his way.
The next day the wedding goes of without a hitch. That night, after the festivities, the young couple is finally alone in their love nest. The bride excuses herself to change, and the young groom turns out the lights, strips, and hops into bed under the covers.
The bedroom door opens, and standing in a shaft of moonlight, in a filmy negligee, is the beautiful young bride. She allows her new husband to admire her for a moment, then gives a shrug so the negligee falls from her shoulders.
"Do you see these breasts?" She asks. "These breasts have never been touched by a man."
She gives another little wiggle and the negligee falls to the floor. "Do you see this pussy?" she whispers seductively, "No man has ever set eyes on this pussy before tonight."
The young groom thinks a minute, throws off the covers, and says "Shit! You see this peter? It's still in the crate!"
 
Biker Bob goes to the Doctor

Biker Bob recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said BB was doing 'fairly well' for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, Biker Bob couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' Bob replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'Bob said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' Bob said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast motorcycles, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,'

He looked at Biker Bob and said,.... ' Then, why do you even give a shit?

fd
 
Biker Bob has been working too hard

Biker Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Biker Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Biker Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Biker Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Biker Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Biker Bob. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Biker Bob follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Biker Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Biker Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Biker Bob's funeral will be on Saturday.

fd
 
Hi Biker Bob. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Biker Bob follows and spots her getting into a taxi.
Click to expand...

So, Dave's there too?
 
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on them. My wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it!"

fd
 
Two rednecks were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So, they stopped the truck and he went behind some bushes.

When he returned to the truck, the other guy remarked, "That was fast!"

"Well, I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with," he replied.

The other explained, "All you have to do is use a dollar to wipe your ass."

"Good idea," he said, as he headed back to the bushes.

A short while later, he returned to the truck with a really upset look on his face, and said, "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get shit all over my hands, but now I've got four quarters stuck up my ass!"

fd
 
A beautiful young woman wants to meet Santa Claus, so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the woman says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay."

Santa replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The woman drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, please stay."

Santa replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know," but he begins to sweat.

The woman takes off the bra and says, "Oh Santa... please... stay."

Santa replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children ,you know." Santa wipes his brow.

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... please... stay."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says, "Hey hey hey, gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way."
 
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards.

Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Omigod!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
 
Better told in person using gestures.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Pole are on expedition in deepest Africa. They're ambushed and taken captive by vicious cannibals, trussed up and tied to stakes. The Chief addresses them:
"Boys, we're gonna torture ya, we're gonna skin ya alive, boil ya 'til you're dead, take your heads for trophies, eat ya at a feast, then use your skins for our canoes. But I'm gonna give ya each one last request."
The Englishman says: "I see a large knife on your belt. May I check it out?"
The Chief hands the knife over, the Englishman takes it, holds it to his throat, shouts "God save the Queen!" and slits his throat.
The Chief asks the Frenchman for his last request, the Frenchman says: "I'll see that knife also." The Chief hands him the knife, the Frenchman holds it to his throat, shouts "Vive la France!" and slits his throat.
The Chief asks the Pole, the Pole asks: "ya got a fork?" Puzzled, the Chief hands him a fork, the Pole viciously stabs himself repeatedly in the chest shouting: "FUCK YOUR CANOES!!"
 
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'
The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'
The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'
The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'
The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'
The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'
The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'
The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.
 
Greedy Preacher

A Preacher announced one Sunday that he must move on to a larger congregation that could pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw him!'
 
"70 StangMan" said:
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'
The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'
The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'
The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'
The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'
The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'
The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'
The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.
Click to expand...

I am laughing my fucking ass off Dale!!
 
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

fd
 
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

fd
 
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