scedd
Well-Known Member
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!�
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Pauline Hanson called a pest controller to her fish and chip shop to get rid of a plague of rats. After speaking to her, he pulled out a flute and started to play. The rats followed him down to the river and drowned.
“That’s fucking brilliant!� said Pauline, “Can you play the didgeridoo?�
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Recession beater. Wife says to husband, “If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car.� He replies, “If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!�
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Japanese farmers reckon they’re doing it tough? BULLSHIT! I seen one farm on TV and the prick had two huge boats and about 20 cars in his front yard!
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What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!
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Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!�
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Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!�
Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
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God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try. God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on. “Not bad� says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to fuck her up the arse.� “They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven� said God. The man replied, “They’re not too fucking happy about it in Woolworths either!
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this bloke at a party.
In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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Why are aspirins white? Because they work.
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How does every ethnic joke start? With a look over your shoulder.
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My wife just came in to me and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.�
I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cos when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!�
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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?
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The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?�
Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly� wasn’t the right answer.
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My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.
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When asked in a recent survey, 90 per cent of Australian men responded that their most memorable and joyous moment in life was being present at the birth of their first-born child….
Obviously none of them have ever seen an abo being run down by a road train.
____________________________________________________
Pauline Hanson called a pest controller to her fish and chip shop to get rid of a plague of rats. After speaking to her, he pulled out a flute and started to play. The rats followed him down to the river and drowned.
“That’s fucking brilliant!� said Pauline, “Can you play the didgeridoo?�
____________________________________________________
Recession beater. Wife says to husband, “If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car.� He replies, “If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!�
____________________________________________________
Japanese farmers reckon they’re doing it tough? BULLSHIT! I seen one farm on TV and the prick had two huge boats and about 20 cars in his front yard!
____________________________________________________
What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!
___________________________________________________
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!�
________________________________________
Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!�
Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________________
God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try. God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on. “Not bad� says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to fuck her up the arse.� “They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven� said God. The man replied, “They’re not too fucking happy about it in Woolworths either!
____________________________________________________
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this bloke at a party.
In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________
Why are aspirins white? Because they work.
________________________________________
How does every ethnic joke start? With a look over your shoulder.
________________________________________
My wife just came in to me and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.�
I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cos when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!�
____________________________________________________
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?
____________________________________________________
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?�
Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly� wasn’t the right answer.
____________________________________________________
My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.
___________________________________________________
When asked in a recent survey, 90 per cent of Australian men responded that their most memorable and joyous moment in life was being present at the birth of their first-born child….
Obviously none of them have ever seen an abo being run down by a road train.
