What to look for?

[RustyRed]

Don't know exactly.

She "isn't very good with the boys" to say the least. They are going through a stage where they tend to argue and fight amongst themselves at times. Just typical sibling rival type stuff.

They have "issues" at her work right now also so when she got home night before last she was threatening to go stay at her mom's for a few weeks because Monday started bad with her screaming at the boys because they were arguing among themselves about whatever. I figure if she left she best not plan on returning. All I care about in the matter is custody and as they say possession is 9/10ths of the law.

Evening before last she was going on about various things and I just didn't say much. Tried to justify her workaholic non-sense with a large payout she got a couple of years ago and basically suggested we wouldn't have the money we have now if it weren't for that payout. Guess she forgot that in the same twelve month period that she got her large payout I had several large payouts from some deals we closed at my work that totaled about $40k more than hers??, LOL!

I even got in "trouble" because I had dared to send a funny 30 second video to her and several other people on Monday. She didn't have time to look at it I guess but I wondered if right click delete is really that time consuming? Also caught crap for daring to mention something about an Aikido seminar that is coming up and giving her a status update re: the Mustang one day when she called. O'yeah, I also was catching flack because I am taking my diet to lower my cholesterol fairly serious. She and the boys wanted Jason's Deli the other day and I went out and got it for them because the car needed gas. All I did was eat something at home instead of something from Jason's. I was like forgive me for being concerned about my health and they got their Jason's anyway so what the bleep does she care whether I ate it or not?

I am holding off doing anything for the moment because she is already in a mental state due to work issues, etc. I am afraid if I had her served now she might go off the deep end or something but that doesn't change the fact I can't take much more of her. I am seriously starting to wonder if she's bi-polar or something along those lines....

 

[Fast68back]

My suggestion would be don't project your anger and emotions in making your selection. The meanest, bulldog lawyer will make you feel good and may get you the results you want; however, that approach will probably draw the process out, costing you big bucks. In a lawyer I look for competency, honesty as what to expect in results, and a keen knowledge of human nature.

I would tend to agree with Jack, my lawyer told me up front that between her and I would spend a college education, unfortunately it was his kids education and not ours..... I was lucky in that she initially gave me custody, and then decided she wanted it later on. Everyone will tell you if you have custody, dont give it up because you wont get it back. The best thing to do is push for 50/50 on custody, however it sucks for the kids, they need a place to call "home". At one point in mediation my EX said she gave me custody because when we split I rented a house with a yard and she rented an apartment. I guess she never noticed the big F'in park across the street from her apartment.....

 

[FordDude]

I am seriously starting to wonder if she's bi-polar or something along those lines....

Is her mood nice one day and the next she is a super bitch. You are just not sure if you can approach her because she might just go off, or she comes up to all nice and offers you something. It is not really all her fault, it is a chemical imbalance. Prozac saved my marriage. The problem or the next to impossible part is getting her checked out. My SWMBO ended up in that 3 day lockup thing (I know that there is some kind name or number for it CRS) and then she had to see a shrink. The problem is they will not admit that it is "their" fault. Good luck with whatever you end up doing. fd

 

[scedd]

I am seriously starting to wonder if she's bi-polar or something along those lines....

They all are!
Its just a matter of whether they control it or not.
If they dont then one day you wake up with a carving knife stuck in your chest

 

[RustyRed]

Is her mood nice one day and the next she is a super bitch.

That would be an improvement really. Stuck on super bitch mode most of the time.

The custody thing is my main deal. I don't want to do 50/50 for my kids' sake.

Reason I have left it alone the last couple of years is that thanks to her work we only see her for a bit in the mornings and for example she got home last night about 9:30 p.m. Kiddos go to bed between 9 and 9:30 p.m. so basically I have 100% custody most of the time right now. I can ignore her for 30 minutes a day but the other night she really pissed me off. Makes for really long Sunday's sometimes though most of the time she is "busy" with napping or whatever so the kids and I find things to keep busy. We also really don't share any interest / goals, etc. I know if I wait till the kids are 13 yo (about 4 years) then the courts will give very strong consideration (and most often go with) what they say they want regarding where to live. Only reason the courts would choose to not go with a kid's expressed desire is if they know one parent is abusive and intimidating the kid into saying they want to live here verse there...things of that nature. I've been documenting her schedule for a while now at both the last job and this one in case a custody issue ever comes up. I work 8 -5 (if that, LOL) and can certainly provide a more stable place with a parent actually at home pretty much every night.

I don't honestly think she would want custody...even she admits she is "lacking" in the parent department and seems to avoid "dealing with" the guys on her own.

She is a case study in how not to parent though....the boys made high 60's on their last report card in spelling. I sucked at spelling in grade school (still do) but they have dyslexia and struggle with spelling. I offered to help them even more than I already did and if they gave it a really hard effort this nine weeks I'd buy them something special. They decided they were going to try and make an A. She told them basically don't hold your breath on making an A since you have dyslexia. Does that not translate to a kid, your too stupid so don't expect much of yourself? Guess what? We started working even harder on their spelling and then next week one made a 90 and the other a 95. The last two weeks they have both made 100's. They've worked hard but they are doing great now on spelling. I just work with them extra on it and they had a tutor twice a week who also started working with them on the spelling in addition to their reading. My thought was don't ever tell my kids they can't do anything they set their mind to.

If you walk in to a test with your excuse of why you are going to fail already in mind then of course you're gonna fail. I've taken belt tests with a broken toe and took another one a few belts later when I was just barely getting over bronchitis but I didn't start using that as an excuse for why I was going to fail...overcame it and passed just fine in spite of the hurdles. Not that I would jump my kiddos' case if they were really trying and didn't do so well anyway.

 

[FordDude]

I am by no means any kind of expert on divorce. I have only seen what can happen to friends and family. Just consider just because she has no interest in the kids does not mean that she will not try for custody. Custody means that you do not have the kids and that hurts you, and trust me if you think that she is a bitch now just wait until she focuses all of her attention on you. Custody also means money. How willing will she be to give it up. I am sure that you have thought about this, just reminding you is all. fd

 

[apollard]

I'm with FD. If you initiate divorce, the bitch mode is likely to kick in big time, and the one thing she knows will fuck with you is the kids. Hell, I've seen a neighbors wife spend 10s of thousands fighting for custody of his dog - the same dog she told my wife she would like to get hit by a truck.

Best case is she walks, and leaves the kids with you. Or you can document enough to classify as neglect.

I'd find that lawyer to help you with building the case asap - even if you decide not to file, they will know how to document things so you stand the best chance of getting the kids, even if she files first.

 

[turq66]

Quote from: RustyRed on Today at 08:53:38 AM

I am seriously starting to wonder if she's bi-polar or something along those lines....

If she is, I would think the only hope you have of having any peace would be to somehow get her on medication, regardless of what you do. Just my .02

 

[daveSanborn]

Red,

Have the two of you talked about your marriage problems?

We all at times get caught up in the daily grind and lose sight of the bigger picture.

There was once love in your relationship. Is it completely gone or can it be re-kindled?

Faced with the thought of divorce, she could start singing a whole new tune rather quickly.

When ALL ELSE has failed, persue divorce as a final solution, but not a minute before. Divorce is a tough deal. Neither party really wins, both come in second place when compared to the couple that continues to work through their issues and lives happily ever after.

 

[RustyRed]

Don't know Dave.

Several years ago I made a big issue of a lot of things, pretty much threatened her with shape up or ship out, etc. She promised to try and do better but really hasn't been any material change over the long term. Of course back then I cared...now not so much just making due and worried about what's best for the little guys.

Of course during that time a couple years back though I never could prove it there were things to make me think she wasn't just working all those hours but "working it" with someone from the office, if you know what I mean. Investigated pretty hard and never found a smoking gun but did find lots of things that to this day I just can't get them to add up. For example, on a Friday she was saying she had to work really late all afternoon. Due to giving a co-worker who's car was in the shop a ride, I happened to be in a place I wouldn't normally be after work on my way to get the boys and guess who pulls up to the light at 5:15 p.m.? Claims she suddenly discovered we didn't have to work late and didn't really even work at all that weekend. How do you go from having to work really late @ 4:15 p.m. to leaving at a bit after 5 p.m.? I was actually pissed I ran into her because I had a GPS tracker in the car and would have known about her leaving and would have know where she was headed if I hadn't run into her at the light. But of course when she knew that I spotted her she went home. During that time we were also given flowers several times "for doing a good job" and I don't know but it seems odd a boss would give a direct report flowers several times a year.

She moved jobs and far as I can tell that is no longer an issue even if it was an issue in the past. Not that I am by any means checking up on stories or anything of that nature these days because it takes a lot of time / energy / money to mount an investigation. Honestly, I can't imagine why someone would want to mess around with a self-centered gal that needed to go on a diet but whatever....maybe the dude was blind or something.

I think my best bet at this point is to revisit with the attorney and see if there is anything particular I need to be documenting and then kind of play the wait and see game. I know if she bails out that would certainly put my case in the best light. Not to mention if she did leave to stay at a hotel for two weeks or whatever I'd have to really consider having a PI keep an eye on the hotel....don't think it's an issue but you never know.