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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that ‘Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.’

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed woman hadn't moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.’

She calmly turned her head and said, ‘In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.’

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, ‘Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you…Tray-up, bitch’
 
Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times. Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87-years-old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'
Slapping their knees, high-fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!!..
 
In a dim, smoky room, the psychic turned the cards up one by one, and told her client the shocking truth:

"There is no gentle way to tell you this, so I'll just say it. Prepare for widowhood. Your husband will die horribly and violently before the year is out."

Noticeably disturbed, the client stared at the old mystic, then at the lone, wavering candle, and finally at the cards laid out before her.

She breathed in deeply, trying to control her emotions.

She had to find out the rest. She could not leave without knowing.

She gazed intently at the old woman, prepared herself, and asked, "Is there any chance I'll be acquitted?"
 
On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."
So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.

Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake. Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went.

"Wousy!" Rose replied
 
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day and also enjoy the occasional cigar," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said!!.
 
I answered an advert,

'Wanted, someone to stroke my long golden hair and to enjoy long walks on the beaches or through the woods. I want to have dinners with you and spend all night cuddled up to you. I want to gaze at you as you sleep, I will be there for you to help guide you through your life.'

Any way, I'm picking up my golden retriever puppy next week.
 
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward?
What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
 
John and Sue, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching television. On the show, the TV hosts are speaking about how to prepare in case of death.

Turning to his wife, John says, “Honey, I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluids, that you will make sure to put an end to it.”

“No problem,” said Sue.

So, she got up, turned off the TV and poured his beer down the sink.
 
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Excited, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since last Friday.
 
A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"
 
I went to see my doctor this morning.
"How can I help you?" she asked.
"I found a lump while I was in the bath," I replied, pointing downwards.
"Oh right," she said, "Take your trousers down for me."
After having a good old feel of my balls for a few minutes, she said, "I can't feel a lump."
I said, "It's on my toe."
 
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