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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

The day finally came when the jockey was married to his girlfriend. They had met when she was working as a stable hand and their romance began with a shared love of horses:

At long last, after the reception, they arrived at their honeymoon hotel. Since their relationship until then had been old fashioned and chaste, they were keen to get to know each other much more closely in the Biblical sense.

Initially, there was some confusion about their booking and the manager intervened and said. "We have two suites available. Would you like the bridal?"

"Oh no." Said the jockey. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."
 
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!
 
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."
 
A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."
 
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
 
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota.”

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

“How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.”

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”

The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65″.

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?” The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’”
 
A woman wants to learn how to play golf so she can spend more time with her golf-loving husband. So she heads to the golf course and asks the golf pro for lessons. They head out to the first tee and. The pro says “Your grip on the club is critical, so even if it sounds crass, I want you to hold the club like you hold your husband’s dick...then swing.”

She does, and the ball sails over the fairway, bounces twice and rolls about three feet from the hole. “That was incredible!” said the pro. “Now take the club out of your mouth...”

fd
 
Aussie67 said:
I might be off line for a few days. Sadly my father passed away on Tuesday night and while expected, its always hard to accept.
Click to expand...

Just so you know, my wife asks me at night what the joke of the day is. You deliver more than not and its usually a good laugh with us. Thanks for that.

To your fathers passing, you have our sincerest condolences and prayers. May he rest in peace and you and your family find comfort...

Allen
 
Condolences as well. Yes I was there also, Dad was in bad shape, but even when he did pass it is hard. Just take one day at a time. It brings me some comfort to talk to my dad now that he is gone. I have his lawnmower, starting it up... Com'on Dad you can do it... When I drive the convertible I can still see him sitting in the passenger seat. Boss just lost his Dad. I knew Larry, as he worked for his son while he could. The boss did show a little respect for his Dad. Larry had a 64 Corvair convertible, he paid his brother and sister so he could have the car.

Tim
 
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