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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Religious Conversion
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, “Is it true that men and women don’t dance together?”
“Yes,” says the rabbi, “For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately.”
“So I can’t dance with my own wife?”
“No.”
“Well, okay,” says the man, “But what about sex?”
“Fine,” says the rabbi. “A mitzvah within the marriage!”
“What about different positions?” the man asks.
“No problem,” says the rabbi.
“Woman on top?” the man asks.
“Why not?” replies the rabbi.
“How about doggie-style?”
“Of course!”
“Well, what about standing up?”
“NO!” says the rabbi.
“Why Not???” asks the man.
“Could lead to dancing!”
 
Thanks everyone for the kind words. Its been a tough few weeks sorting everything out. To make it worse the wife's mother was taken by covid a week later.

Anyway at least the suffering is over for both.
 
First world war, two trenches 200 metres apart, one occupied by Germans the other by an Irish regiment, there's a stalemate , nobody has shot anybody for a whole week, on both sides they are getting very bored.
Mick says to Paddy...I've an idea, what's the most common name in Germany ?
Paddy says...Gunther, I'd say it's Gunther.
Mick says.... Right, here's what we'll do, you get your rifle ready and I'll shout across no mans land GUNTHER, ARE YE THERE ? and when one of them sticks he's head up you shoot him, right ?
Paddy says...Great idea let's try it.
So Paddy gets ready and Mick shouts across to the German trenches HEY , GUNTHER ARE YOU THERE ?
Up pops a Germans head and BANG, Paddy shoots him.
The two of them can't believe it worked, so Paddy says.... Try it again Mick.
Mick shouts out...GUNTHER, HEY, GUNTHER.
Again a German head pops up and again, BANG, Paddy shoots him.
They can't believe their luck, and seven more times they do it and each time a head pops up and Paddy shoots him.
The Germans are getting a bit sick of this so Fritz says to he's buddy Hermann....Vot is de most common name in Ireland ?
Hermann says...I believe it is Paddy, yes it is definitely Paddy, of this I am sure.
Fritz says...We vill play them at their own game, you get ready to shoot and I vill call out ze name Paddy.
So Hermann gets ready and Fritz shouts across no mans land PADDY, I VANT A VORD VIT YOU PLEASE.
No answer comes back, no head pops up, so he tries again PADDY, CAN YOU HEAR ME, ARE YOU THERE ?
Still no answer, so he shouts across again PADDY ARE YOU THERE? PADDY PADDY
Voice answers back...IS THAT YOU GUNTHER ?
 
Old Butch
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention? Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
 
Ole staggered into a hospital one day, with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well", said Ole, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, Lena. When at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. So we both went to look for them. And while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over there and lifted its tail and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife Lena's monogram on it. And it was stuck, smack in the middle of the cow's butt."

"Still holding the cow's tail up," I yelled to Lena, "Hey this looks like yours"

"I don't remember much after that."

John
 
So, I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me.

I say, "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them yells, "It's Wales, you idiot."

So I said, "Okay, are you two Whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that.

John
 
I bought a dog as a surprise present for my husband but unfortunately he is allergic to dogs, so I am going to have to find him a new home and I am wondering if anyone can help. His name is Alan, he is 51, great at DIY, drives a nice car and plans wonderful holidays.
 
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent:

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. “Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.”

The farmer was dubious. “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case from you.”

The salesman was delighted.
They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. And back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. “Son.” He said, “Now, you don’t have a bite on you, but you look like hell! What the devil happened?”
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked. “For crying out loud, Mister, doesn’t that calf have a Mother?
 
Going to Church in Chicago
When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.

As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?

He laid his hands on my shoulder and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed.

Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today."

Again, I said that there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold they were right ---

My car was gone !

fd
 
My grandfather always used to say "When I was a lad you could leave your doors open". That's probably the reason his submarine sank.
 
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