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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his stock in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .....

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spread sheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin' yourself to one of me animals, then, since you won it fair and square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollar’s worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback, and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size.

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom." So they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about. Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Manners and Etiquette

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."

The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out….
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says

“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.

“So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,

“Do I have to take them every day?”

No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

“Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife. “Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”

“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”

“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,

“It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Husband: When I get mad at you , you never fight back. How do you control your anger ?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help ?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
After landing my new job as a Mall “Greeter” – a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting red neck babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
“Good morning and welcome to the mall.”
I then said, ”Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
“No, they ain’t effin twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7, why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?”
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone shagged you twice…. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at the mall.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
No matter what I do for the kids my wife is always finding fault with me. I bought my 2 year old daughter her very first jigsaw yesterday and as usual the wife went mental.

Yelling and screaming something about her being to young for power tools..
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say
concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to
stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter
silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She
started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The
groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward?
What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his motorcycle in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection, your fishing gear, the boat and all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car and your home brewing equipment."

Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "For a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife!"

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied, "I wasn't."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties, and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied …

“Go look in the garage!”
 
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