fd
-
Hello there guest and Welcome to The #1 Classic Mustang forum!
To gain full access you must Register. Registration is free and it takes only a few moments to complete.
Already a member? Login here then!
Joke of the day - Add your jokes here
- Thread starter Aussie67
- Start date
fd
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Happy holidays to all.
jims6t6
Well-Known Member
| Severe Grieving |
| A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?” The mourner answered, “My wife’s first husband! … Why did you die? Why did you die?” |
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
The Breast Jokes Online
Today we were a little bored so we started throwing around some boob puns and jokes.
These were the breast we could come up with.
Don’t judge us for being boob lovers.
.
.
I once dated a girl with one boob bigger than the other.
She entered a wet T-shirt competition and came first and third.
.
.
A new study has revealed that women with big boobs are smarter than women with smaller boobs.
Though to be fair, the guy who conducted the study admits he wasn’t really listening.
.
.
Q: What do toys and boobs have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.
.
.
Q: What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: “If we don’t get some support here people are going to think we’re nuts.”
.
.
Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
.
.
Q: What did one boob say to the other boob?
A: You’re my breast friend.
.
.
Q: Why was the mermaid wearing sea shells?
A: Her boobs were too big for B shells.
.
.
A tech company is developing computer chips that store music in women’s breast implants.
A company spokesperson declared this is a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their boobs without listening to them.
.
.
Boobs are like women. Some are big, some are small. Some are real and some are fake. But we’d touch em’ all
.
.
Q: What is the origin of the word “Boob”?
A: The “B” is the aerial view, the “oo” is the front view, the “b” is the side view.
fd
Today we were a little bored so we started throwing around some boob puns and jokes.
These were the breast we could come up with.
Don’t judge us for being boob lovers.
.
.
I once dated a girl with one boob bigger than the other.
She entered a wet T-shirt competition and came first and third.
.
.
A new study has revealed that women with big boobs are smarter than women with smaller boobs.
Though to be fair, the guy who conducted the study admits he wasn’t really listening.
.
.
Q: What do toys and boobs have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.
.
.
Q: What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: “If we don’t get some support here people are going to think we’re nuts.”
.
.
Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
.
.
Q: What did one boob say to the other boob?
A: You’re my breast friend.
.
.
Q: Why was the mermaid wearing sea shells?
A: Her boobs were too big for B shells.
.
.
A tech company is developing computer chips that store music in women’s breast implants.
A company spokesperson declared this is a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their boobs without listening to them.
.
.
Boobs are like women. Some are big, some are small. Some are real and some are fake. But we’d touch em’ all
.
.
Q: What is the origin of the word “Boob”?
A: The “B” is the aerial view, the “oo” is the front view, the “b” is the side view.
fd
Ahhh...a repeat of reply #7.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
I got a call off the police today telling me my wife had been involved in a car accident.
Is she okay? I asked, worriedly.
Well, she does have a couple of big bumps and a very large gash, he replied.
I know that, but is she injured in any way?
Is she okay? I asked, worriedly.
Well, she does have a couple of big bumps and a very large gash, he replied.
I know that, but is she injured in any way?
Real Positive Attitude
There is attitude and then there is positive attitude!
"Life is not always the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is.
The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Navy fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.
He was in a hospital in a lot of pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes/ IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him looking worried.
It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight in his eyes.
Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but also a sailor, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word:
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble a reply:
"Can I feel your tits, then?"
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.
fd
There is attitude and then there is positive attitude!
"Life is not always the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is.
The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Navy fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.
He was in a hospital in a lot of pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes/ IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him looking worried.
It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight in his eyes.
Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but also a sailor, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word:
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble a reply:
"Can I feel your tits, then?"
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.
fd
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Male Logic
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: About $5.00, which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000,correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where's your Ferrari then?
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: About $5.00, which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000,correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where's your Ferrari then?
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Deirdre.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Deirdre.
Lmao
Mark
Mark
fd
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk.
What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
So I said to the German bloke "why is that lump of meat in the boot of your car?"
"Dat is my spare veal" he replied.
Happy new year to all.
"Dat is my spare veal" he replied.
Happy new year to all.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.
The most common one seems to be: "You said you'd be home from the pub three f****** hours ago!"
The most common one seems to be: "You said you'd be home from the pub three f****** hours ago!"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A bit of Aussie humour.
In light of the recent events in Korea, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
The English are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Korea and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Fuk Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
In light of the recent events in Korea, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
The English are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Korea and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Fuk Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Some Truths
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
Was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
fd
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
Was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
fd