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Mike was driving his new Corvette way too fast on the highway. Suddenly, he heard the siren and saw the police car with its lights on behind him. Hesitantly, he pulled over and waited for the officer, his sun glasses still on, and his cigarette still lit, arrogant smile on his face.
“Sir, you are aware that you were driving 30 mph over the speed limit, aren’t you?” the officer said as he handed the man his violation ticket.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled KBMWRS arrogantly.
“Keep it,” said the officer, “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.
Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets! "
Two guys, Al and Joe are bungee jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money renting our very own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it down there." Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, and all.
They travel down to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration to the large crowd below!
So Al jumps and bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he goes down again, bounces, and comes back up.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time, he is pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was good. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"
It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed: Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister." Said the young nun dreamily. "I’ve been Saved." "Saved? And how did that come about?" Asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he?" Said the old nun curiously.
Sister Magdalene continued. "And Father John said that if The Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then, Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" Said the old nun even more curiously. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my Heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old bastard." Said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!"
Went to the shop yesterday and when I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card. Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man I hate this getting older stuff.
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy ape just did?" "No, what?" asked the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them." "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
The Origin of Chapstick
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
The Cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss right on the horses ass. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British.
One week later, Australia’s Northern Territory Times, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fu ** all. Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless....
My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
Good grief, did you see that? she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it, and again the lid rises, he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
Please sir, says the waiter, what you order? The husband replies, Chicken Surprise. Ah! So sorry, says the waiter, I bring you Peeking Duck!
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together!!!!!
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.
Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two buttholes.”
“What? He had two buttholes?” asked the mortician.
Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two buttholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes!”
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes".
The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it, it's an asshole..."
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “How To Be The Man Of the House”.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.'
'Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands... Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?’ She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you Idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’