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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

I texted the above pic to a buddy. Him and his wife have the same birthday, she is a year older. Told him that not only celebrating his parents, but his in laws having sex too. :p

fd
 
500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away. Therefore, only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This probably explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook.
 
A man drinks a shot of rum every night before bed. After many years of this, the wife wants him to quit. So she decides her course of action.

She gets two shot glasses, filling one with water, and the other with rum. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his fishing bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the rum, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink rum, I won't get worms!"
 
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it: An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.

The passer by asks. "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man replies. "I can't see how it's any of your business. But, since you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."

The passer by hands him the used condom and says. "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
 
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

1580001687872.png <<<<<< Aussie grasshopper
 
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the cowboy from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
 
Another blonde joke
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

fd
 
Internet down

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?

'NO! ' the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was ' NO!

If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered ' NO!

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven? '

A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD...."

……………………….It's a curious race, the Irish.
 
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.

"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.

"Oh yes" said the young man "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it". Well, help yourself" said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer. Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow trees down by the creek".

The farmer said "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!
 
I've Just arrived home after seeing a good friend take his last, I was honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, survived many armed patrols and, erm spirited exchanges in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motorbike crash that left his bike a mangled piece of scrap iron.

At the hospital, just before he went, he beckoned me toward him. He couldn't speak due to the pipes and tubes taking life preserving fluids and oxygen to him, so I moved closer as he pointed to his mouth. I said I didn't know what he wanted and asked if he could write it down. He nodded vigorously so I passed him some paper from his bedside cabinet and took the pen from my pocket.

Unfortunately, as he was writing, he stopped, the machine that he was attached to started to make that ominous monotone that tells you it's all over. The paper dropped from his hand as the nurses rushed in and tried in vain to revive him but all to no avail. He now knew all the answers to all the questions ever asked, including the ultimate. I returned to my car in the car park with a heavy heart, trying to avoid looking into the faces of the mixed patients, visitors and hospital workers.

I got to the car without breaking down and as I fumbled for my keys I rediscovered the note from my recently deceased mate. By now it was all crumpled up so I attempted to iron it out on the dashboard. It just looked like gibberish so I returned it to my coat pocket.

I'm now home and was about to throw it away but the thought hit me. It might be some sort of final message with hidden importance, there are no spaces between the words; it just appears to be a jumble of letters.

I've decided to share it on Geekbook to see if anyone can decipher it. I've never been any good at anagrams or conundrums so here it is in its entirety. (I'm not sure whether he finished before he shuffled from our mortal coil)
It says:

'GETOFFMY****INGOXYGENPIPEYOUFAT****'
 
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I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
 
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

John
 
A man was driving down a quiet country lane, when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him". "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back!!..
 
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks for?”

St. Peter answered, “ Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”

“Oh”, said the man, “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Theresa’s,” replied St. Peter. “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie”
“Incredible” said the man. “ And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham Lincoln told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Donald Trump’s and Hilary Clinton’s clocks?” asked the man.

St. Peter replied………….
“WE’RE USING THEM AS CEILING FANS!"
 
Aussie67 said:
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks for?”

St. Peter answered, “ Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”

“Oh”, said the man, “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Theresa’s,” replied St. Peter. “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie”
“Incredible” said the man. “ And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham Lincoln told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Donald Trump’s and Hilary Clinton’s clocks?” asked the man.

St. Peter replied………….
“WE’RE USING THEM AS CEILING FANS!"
Click to expand...
Adam Schiff's is going at warp speed ;)
 
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust!!..
 
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