Aussie67
Well-Known Member
My best mate is the best pranker ever. Every time i come home early he is always hiding naked under my bed waiting to jump out on me. How he sneaks in without the wife even knowing is beyond me. Legend!!.
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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here
- Thread starter Aussie67
- Start date
Senior problem
This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there had small apartments but they all ate at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived, so she went back up toward his room but found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to get up even the first stair step, so they called an ambulance for him.
A couple of hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The nurse there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one side of his boxer shorts.
I'm posting this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know all the facts.
fd
This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there had small apartments but they all ate at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived, so she went back up toward his room but found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to get up even the first stair step, so they called an ambulance for him.
A couple of hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The nurse there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one side of his boxer shorts.
I'm posting this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know all the facts.
fd
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Tommy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him £10 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him £20 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The postman immediately drops the post, opens his arms, and says:
"Then come give your daddy a great big hug"
Little Tommy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him £10 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him £20 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The postman immediately drops the post, opens his arms, and says:
"Then come give your daddy a great big hug"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Deleted - double post
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen's breasts for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber,Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to fuk off.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick!!..
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen's breasts for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber,Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to fuk off.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick!!..
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Police in Lagos,Nigeria have just broken into the flat of a man that had died. They found 150 million pounds.
Checking his computer they found out he has been trying to give it away for the last 15 years, but nobody was replying to his emails!!
Checking his computer they found out he has been trying to give it away for the last 15 years, but nobody was replying to his emails!!
sgtjunior
Well-Known Member
Different version,
Man walks in the door and says, "Honey guess what, I hit the lottery"
She jumps up hooting, "About time you're good for something! I've been waiting for a reason to leave you! I'm taking half your winnings and leaving your sorry ass. By the way I've been sleeping with your brother!"
He says, " since you feel that way here's the scratch off, you can keep the whole $20 to yourself"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Two engineering learner's were biking across University when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and lay on the ground and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and lay on the ground and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A male student asked his English professor, "What is the definition of a dilemma?"
The professor said, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that."
"Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other."
"Who are you going to turn your back on?
The professor said, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that."
"Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other."
"Who are you going to turn your back on?
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It’s not proper to walk around without any panties on.”
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her.
When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.
The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest hands the lady $1 and says… “Lady, take this money and for God’s sake, go buy yourself a razor!”
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It’s not proper to walk around without any panties on.”
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her.
When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.
The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest hands the lady $1 and says… “Lady, take this money and for God’s sake, go buy yourself a razor!”
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
The Agency had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Last night I got into bed with my wife and all I wanted to do was go to sleep, but she had other ideas and started to grab hold of me and play with me, I knew she was up for it.
So I turned to her and said "Darling go down stairs and bring the cling film up." and she did because she's a really broad minded girl.
So I ripped off a large piece and put it between her legs, she look at me and said "Will it make me really sensitive?"
I looked back at her and said "No, but it'll keep you fresh until tomorrow!!..
So I turned to her and said "Darling go down stairs and bring the cling film up." and she did because she's a really broad minded girl.
So I ripped off a large piece and put it between her legs, she look at me and said "Will it make me really sensitive?"
I looked back at her and said "No, but it'll keep you fresh until tomorrow!!..
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A guy dies and goes to Hell and meets Satan. Satan says to the man, "Nowadays, people entering Hell are able to choose their own personal hell. I will take you to a series of doors, and you will look inside and tell me if that is where you would like to spend eternity." Satan opens the first door, the man looks inside and sees thousands of people standing on their heads on a hard-wood floor. The man says, "This looks too uncomfortable. Show me the next room please." Satan then walks the man down to the second door. The man looks inside and sees thousands of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor. The man says, "This is even worse. Please show me the next room."
Satan nods and takes him to the third door. The man looks inside sees thousands of people standing knee-deep in liquid ****, all drinking coffee. The man says,"This is the place for me." Satan says, "Are you sure? Once the door closes you can never go back..." The mans says, "I'm positive. I do love coffee."
The man steps in and Satan closes the door. Just before the man could get comfortable, a voice on the loudspeaker says, "Coffee break is over! BACK ON YOUR HEADS!!.
Satan nods and takes him to the third door. The man looks inside sees thousands of people standing knee-deep in liquid ****, all drinking coffee. The man says,"This is the place for me." Satan says, "Are you sure? Once the door closes you can never go back..." The mans says, "I'm positive. I do love coffee."
The man steps in and Satan closes the door. Just before the man could get comfortable, a voice on the loudspeaker says, "Coffee break is over! BACK ON YOUR HEADS!!.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Bert,at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the misses.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A man took his dog to the vet and asked him to cut off the dog's tail.
"Why do you want to do that?" asked the vet. "His tail is perfectly healthy"
"I know," said the man. "But my wife's mother is arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she is welcome....
"Why do you want to do that?" asked the vet. "His tail is perfectly healthy"
"I know," said the man. "But my wife's mother is arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she is welcome....
fd
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descent.
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!”
“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!”
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!”
“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!”
fd