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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
 
Tips for a Happy Marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere…..but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary? “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me “In the lake.”

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said “No, jump in!”

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was “always.”

12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”

fd
 
The girlfriend and I had a blazing row then she stormed off, jumped in the car, sped away and ended up wrapping it round a lampost and killing herself.

I was so upset I went to a medium as I wanted to apologise for my harsh words.

For half an hour we sat there in silence, watching the ouija board.

All of a sudden the medium stands up and says "That'll be $500 please."

"But nothing’s happened!” I replied.

"She's still not talking to you," said the medium!!.
 
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Sent from my moto x4 using Tapatalk
 
Doctor to patient: “You’ve been tested positive for the corona virus. You’re going straight into that isolation ward, on a diet of pizza and pancakes”!

Patient: “Does that diet work?”

Doctor: “No, but that’s all we’re able to slide under the door for you!”
 
A farmer is giving his blonde wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

“That fellow from the University will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate.”

Satisfied that his blonde wife understood the instructions, the farmer leaves for town.

That afternoon, the ‘Inseminator’ arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

“This is the cow right here,” she tells him.

“What’s the nail for?” the guy asks.

Replies the wife, “I guess its to hang up your pants.”
 
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.

Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs.

The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back with a potato around his penis.

The wife gave him a weird look, and then the husband replied: If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator.
 
You know you're getting old, when you look outside on a beautiful day and you think to yourself, hmmmm I'm going to make the most of this,

And then start filling the washing machine.
 
Three Men in Heaven

Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died.

The first man said "I died of cancer."

The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis."

The third man said "I died of Seenus."

The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus."

The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my friend's wife, and he seen us!"
 
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