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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me”.

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note...

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone…

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...

"I can see your feet.

We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
 

Aussie67

Active Member
Food shortages in the supermarkets....hot tip.....Whiskas Beef cat food makes an excellent chilli con carne, not only does it taste great but with balanced mineral levels it supports a healthy urinary tract, the zinc content ensures a healthy skin and there are no added artificial flavours, colours or preservatives.

The only down side is sometimes you start licking your own bum
 

Aussie67

Active Member
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!
 

Aussie67

Active Member
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."
 

Aussie67

Active Member
Imagine if 10 years ago you were approached by a time traveller and he was like "look, I don't have much time to explain, but all I can tell you is that the year 2020 is going to be an absolute **** show. You know Donald Trump, the star of the apprentice? Well he's the president of the United States and at the beginning of 2020 he gets into a Twitter spar with Iran that almost starts World War 3. Australia catches on fire and a woman tries to save it by selling pictures of her boobs. Kobe Bryant dies in a helicopter crash. Half the world is devastated, the other half just makes dank ass memes.

Then some dude in China eats a raw ass bat and starts a global pandemic that specifically kills maw maws and paw paws. Everyone loses their minds. 40% of the population thinks it's the end of the world, another 40% thinks it's all fake, and 20% blames the whole thing on cell phone towers and paedophiles.

The one thing everyone seems to agree on is that the only way to survive is by hoarding toilet paper. Grocery stores are ransacked and Charmin ultra soft essentially replaces the dollar as the official U.S. currency. As hysteria grows, world governments are forced to shut the entire planet down and lock everyone in their houses and the only person that can keep the people from completely flipping out and starting a huge riot is a gay, gun toting Oklahoma meth head with 180 pet tigers... I'd be like, "Here's a dollar now get away from me crackhead."
 

Aussie67

Active Member
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. “Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don’t want a boring or normal pet – no cats, dogs, or birds – I want something different.” The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. “Really?,” the main replied, “How much?” The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says “Hey mate, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?” The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says “Hey mate, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?” The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn’t talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says “Hey mate, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks!?” The centipede says “For F**K sake, I heard you the first time!!! I’m putting my shoes on!
 

Aussie67

Active Member
Nigeria has confirmed 43 cases of Coronavirus. I hope it's not the Nigerian Prince who wants to transfer $7,000,000 into my bank account.
 

Aussie67

Active Member
A man walks into the woman’s section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man, “there’s more than one type?”

“There are three types.” Replies the clerk,

“The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”

Still confused the man asked, “What is the difference in them?”

The clerk responds, “It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain’s out of mole hills.”
 

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
Lost his hat.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, ” Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn ‘s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?”

Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ‘ and that reminded me where I left me hat.”

fd
 

Aussie67

Active Member
We are 2 weeks into self-isolation and it's very upsetting for me to witness my wife standing at the living room window staring aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

It breaks my heart to see her like this.

I've thought very hard of how I can cheer her up.

I've even considered letting her in.

But rules are rules.
 

Aussie67

Active Member
A husband returns home from work to discover that his wife is missing.

He spends the next two days looking for her, and when he comes home on the second night he finds his spouse sitting in the kitchen, eating some pasta.

"You're alive!" he cries. "Where have you been all this time?"

"These four men kidnapped me, and have had wild sex with me for a week."

"But you've only been gone two days!?!"

"Yeah, I've just nipped home to get something to eat..."
 

Aussie67

Active Member
A college student wrote a letter home:

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,

Marvin

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late.


A few days later, he received a letter from his father:

Dear Son, Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!
 

sgtjunior

Well-Known Member
A college student wrote a letter home:

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,

Marvin

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late.


A few days later, he received a letter from his father:

Dear Son, Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!
It's like my oldest daughter away at college (pre-pandemic) she would cll me every week and I would ask who is calling. When she said it's Sarah I was ok, Every other week she tells me, "It's Bernie Sanders." Code for she needs money.
 
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