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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"
 
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly’s wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

“No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?
 
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
 
Stimulus Package
It is a slow day in the small Minnesota town of Hibbing, and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a stimulus package works.
 
On his honeymoon, a farmer, Billy, insisted on having a room at the luxury hotel with a balcony overlooking the sea. On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very hot Nightgown.

"Hey Billy Joe, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time," she said coyly.

"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.

So Daisy sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Billy once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Daisy grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep. In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.

"Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked.

"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life and I didn't want to miss a moment of it."
 
Misc. Stuff; Corona thoughts
I wonder if dogs are thinking. Why are humans wearing muzzles? Probably because they are too dumb to learn to "sit" and "stay."

AND

I didn't know Grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

AND

Lawyer commercials in 2030 will be something like: Were you or someone you know over exposed to hand sanitizer, Lysol or bleach during the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic? If so, you may be eligible for compensation.

AND

Thank God my wife has multiple personalities. I'm quarantined with someone different every day.

AND

Returned from the grocery store with the hubby. Took the masks off and it turns out it was the wrong hubby. Pay attention!

AND

If you thought the toilet paper shortage was crazy, wait until a million people want a hair appointment.

AND

There's nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul. Even when it's cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka.

AND

Do you want to know the secret to making your spouse go "M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m" all night? Duct tape.

AND

Day 40 without sex. Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound.

AND

My Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary:

Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!

Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!

Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??

Day 4 – 8:00 pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.

Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!

Day 6 – I get to take the garbage out. I’m so excited, I can’t decide what to wear.

Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!

Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.

Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He’s a web designer.

Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”

Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.

Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The cardinals lead the blue jays 3–1.

Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?

Day 16-Learned coffee filters and dryer sheets twice as absorbent as toilet paper.

fd
 
Barry had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Barry's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Slick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Barry, stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned!

Slick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Barry went to see his Grandmother, "Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Barry's, troubled eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya feking idiot!!
 
A man was sitting on the edge of his bed watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
 
"A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college...
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

*The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.*

John
 
A plane with 5 passengers on board --

Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, the Pope and a 10-year-old schoolgirl -- is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump says " I need one. I am the smartest man in the US and I need to solve the pandemic!" He takes one parachute and jumps. Johnson says ' I'm needed to solve the COVID-19 mess in Britain '. He grabs one and jumps. The Pope says: " The Catholics of the world depend on me for comfort in a time of fear." He takes one and jumps. " You can have the last parachute," says Merkel to the 10-year-old. " I've lived my life. Yours is just starting." The little girl replies: " Don't worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA just took my school bag."
 
I once bought a wooden car.

Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

Wooden start.
 
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow.

All the other colours would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every colour of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
 
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph on the m1 looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...
 
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