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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here
- Thread starter Aussie67
- Start date
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Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A man goes into a bakers and asks for 2 bread rolls the shop man picks them up with tongs and puts them in a paper bag, he then asks for 2 cakes the shop man picks them up with the tongs and puts them in the bag.
The man says! "It’s nice to see you don’t handle the food!"
The shop man says! "Nothing in my shop is handled by human hand!"
He then noticed a peace of string hanging out of the shop mans trousers and asks! "What is that peace of string for!"
The shop man says! "When I need a piss I just pull on the string and it pops out?"
"That’s ok!" Says the man! "But how do you put it back?"
"That’s no problem!" Says the shop man! "I just use the tongs! “
The man says! "It’s nice to see you don’t handle the food!"
The shop man says! "Nothing in my shop is handled by human hand!"
He then noticed a peace of string hanging out of the shop mans trousers and asks! "What is that peace of string for!"
The shop man says! "When I need a piss I just pull on the string and it pops out?"
"That’s ok!" Says the man! "But how do you put it back?"
"That’s no problem!" Says the shop man! "I just use the tongs! “
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Remember this one?
“Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, have been compiled and are listed below:
1. November 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. November 23: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. December 10: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. December 23: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares!” … and watched what happened.
5. January 10: Went to the Service Desk and asked to reserve a bag of potato chips.
6. January 23: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. February 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. March 5: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
9. March 26: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. April 2: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. April 15: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. April 26: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
13. May 1: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! — PICK ME!”
14. May 12: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
And last, but not least:
15. May 16: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, “Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!”
Sincerely,
Mr. Wally Brown
Walmart Complaint Department
“Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, have been compiled and are listed below:
1. November 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. November 23: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. December 10: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. December 23: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares!” … and watched what happened.
5. January 10: Went to the Service Desk and asked to reserve a bag of potato chips.
6. January 23: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. February 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. March 5: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
9. March 26: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. April 2: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. April 15: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. April 26: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
13. May 1: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! — PICK ME!”
14. May 12: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
And last, but not least:
15. May 16: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, “Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!”
Sincerely,
Mr. Wally Brown
Walmart Complaint Department
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A middle-aged couple Mr and Mrs 0'Shea had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'No, not this time!'
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'No, not this time!'
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Have you ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping beside you and been glad that you are alive? I did and now they tell me I will never be allowed on this airline again.
Joke for Today
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent.
But then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000”
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.
fd
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent.
But then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000”
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.
fd
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Started a new job as a delivery man today.
When i got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying "Dear Mr Delivery Man, we are out, please hide in garage".
That was eight hours ago and still nobody has found me.
When i got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying "Dear Mr Delivery Man, we are out, please hide in garage".
That was eight hours ago and still nobody has found me.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Paddy and Mick are at a job interview for a labourer by a builder,
Paddy goes first and is asked, "If you lost an eye, what would you be?"
He answers, "Half blind."
Then he was asked, "What would you be if you lost both eyes?"
He answers, "Blind."
Builder says, "Great, you got the job - send Mick in."
Mick over heard the interview and thinks, "Great, I'll just give the same answers."
The builder asks, "If you lost an ear, what would you be?"
Mick says, "Half blind."
Then was asked, "What about if you lost both ears?"
Mick says, "Blind."
The builder, a bit puzzled, asked, "How would that be?"
Mick says, "My hat would fall down!"
Paddy goes first and is asked, "If you lost an eye, what would you be?"
He answers, "Half blind."
Then he was asked, "What would you be if you lost both eyes?"
He answers, "Blind."
Builder says, "Great, you got the job - send Mick in."
Mick over heard the interview and thinks, "Great, I'll just give the same answers."
The builder asks, "If you lost an ear, what would you be?"
Mick says, "Half blind."
Then was asked, "What about if you lost both ears?"
Mick says, "Blind."
The builder, a bit puzzled, asked, "How would that be?"
Mick says, "My hat would fall down!"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few further local businesses around the town. The bra manufacturer has gone bust, the specialist in submersibles has gone under, the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers, the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders, the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road, the bread company has run out of dough, the clock manufacturer has had to wind down, the Chinese has been taken away, the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot and finally the launderette has been taken to the cleaners!
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
My 7 year old son was looking through the family photo album and asked my wife, “Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the big muscles and curly hair?” “That’s your father,” She replied.
"Well," he asked "Who’s that old bald-headed fat bloke who lives with us now"
"Well," he asked "Who’s that old bald-headed fat bloke who lives with us now"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper.
"The principal difference is the North American species have longer pricks."
This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office.
The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is that the North American species has a longer QUILL. Their pricks are the same size."
"The principal difference is the North American species have longer pricks."
This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office.
The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is that the North American species has a longer QUILL. Their pricks are the same size."
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Two little girls are making friends in the school playground.
"What does your Daddy do for a living?" asks Sally.
"He's a magician," says Emma.
"Ooh," says Sally, "and what's his best trick?"
"Sawing people in half," replies Emma.
"And do you have any other family?" asks Sally.
"Yes," says Emma, "I have a half -brother and two half -sisters."
"What does your Daddy do for a living?" asks Sally.
"He's a magician," says Emma.
"Ooh," says Sally, "and what's his best trick?"
"Sawing people in half," replies Emma.
"And do you have any other family?" asks Sally.
"Yes," says Emma, "I have a half -brother and two half -sisters."
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his floor scrubber !!!!!
Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a feckin' doctor!
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his floor scrubber !!!!!
Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a feckin' doctor!
Not really a joke, but it did make me LOL.
fd
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?
Speaker of the House
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so Nancy Pelosi turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to Nancy Pelosi, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said Nancy Pelosi as she smiled smugly, "How about global warming; universal health care; or stimulus packages?"
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
Nancy Pelosi visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To that the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
fd
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so Nancy Pelosi turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to Nancy Pelosi, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said Nancy Pelosi as she smiled smugly, "How about global warming; universal health care; or stimulus packages?"
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
Nancy Pelosi visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To that the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
fd
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
The missus just phoned me and the conversation went like this!..
*
Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?"
Me: "Yeah."
Her: "Wind it forward one hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."
Me: "Right, I've done that"
Her: "Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion!"
Me: "I can see that, yeah."
Her: "Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!"
Me: Okay, I see them."
Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a gladiator holding a spear."
Me: "Yes! I can see him!"
Her: Right..! Those are the Sandals I want for Christmas!!.
*
Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?"
Me: "Yeah."
Her: "Wind it forward one hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."
Me: "Right, I've done that"
Her: "Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion!"
Me: "I can see that, yeah."
Her: "Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!"
Me: Okay, I see them."
Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a gladiator holding a spear."
Me: "Yes! I can see him!"
Her: Right..! Those are the Sandals I want for Christmas!!.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The first man replied, “Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.” The Lord replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The second man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?” The third man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. “Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!” The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!”
The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The first man replied, “Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.” The Lord replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The second man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?” The third man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. “Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!” The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!”