Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

[Midlife]

Hmmm...that trophy seems awfully familiar...

 

[FordDude]

fd

 

[msell66]

Mark

 

[Mach1 Driver]

I was at the market yesterday and the TP aisle was devoid of stock. I wonder what the logic is to that? Maybe they listen to the news, say OH SHIT!!! then run out and buy toilet paper. Kinda Pavlovian isn't it?

 

[RapidRabbit]

.

Sent from my moto x4 using Tapatalk

 

[Turnall]

I bought up all the plungers...check mate....unless you want to deal...

Allen

 

[FordDude]

I was at the market yesterday and the TP aisle was devoid of stock. I wonder what the logic is to that? Maybe they listen to the news, say OH SHIT!!! then run out and buy toilet paper. Kinda Pavlovian isn't it?

I am in supermarkets everyday. It is my job. From LA to El Centro, San Diego, Orange County and Monday up to Oxnard. Same thing everywhere. Water leaves soon after it is delivered. The disinfectants shelves are bare. And why TP you ask. What my PHN (public health nurse) wife tells me is that it comes from China. Supplies from bat eating nation have been shut off.
My philosophy is simple: we are just thinning the heard. I will not get too wacko here in the joke thread. But look at the virus. Fever for 8 hours, dry cough and you are dehydrated after the fever brakes. Most of the deaths are elderly and those with compromised immune systems. For the most part not affecting children. So is this a random virus or was it designed?

fd

 

[Aussie67]

I got stopped by a copper with a radar gun the other day. "Bit of a speed merchant are we, sir?" he asked. "A bit, now and then," I replied, "but I only sell to friends." So as well as three points I'm looking at three months.

 

[Horseplay]

I am in supermarkets everyday. It is my job. From LA to El Centro, San Diego, Orange County and Monday up to Oxnard. Same thing everywhere. Water leaves soon after it is delivered. The disinfectants shelves are bare. And why TP you ask. What my PHN (public health nurse) wife tells me is that it comes from China. Supplies from bat eating nation have been shut off.
My philosophy is simple: we are just thinning the heard. I will not get too wacko here in the joke thread. But look at the virus. Fever for 8 hours, dry cough and you are dehydrated after the fever brakes. Most of the deaths are elderly and those with compromised immune systems. For the most part not affecting children. So is this a random virus or was it designed?

fd

Not to muck up the joke thread (which is awesome) but wanted to clear up the TP thing. TP is made here. It's like one of the only things we still make. Doesn't come from those disease starting Chinese bastards (sorry to go full Trumpian on ya). The smart folks say people tend to hoard in crisis situations like this manufactured one to make themselves feel like they are doing something to protect themselves. Back to the funnies...

 

[sgtjunior]

It's like

 

[Aussie67]

The poor little rich girl awoke after a long night out on the town with her friends. She found herself totally naked and with a monster of a hangover, so she rang for her butler and ordered a strong cup of black coffee.

When he delivered it, she said, "Jeeves, I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"

"I carried you upstairs, Ma'am, and put you to bed."

"But my dress?"

"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I removed it and hung it in your closet."

"But what about my underwear?"

"I feared the elastic might limit your circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them."

"What a night!" she sighed. "I must have been tight!"

"Only the first time, Ma'am!" “

 

[scedd]

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakh, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Montenegrin, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovak, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Vanticanien, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...







The doorman stops them and says “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

 

[FordDude]

fd

 

[FordDude]

fd

 

[Aussie67]

 

[Aussie67]

Just saw on the news 97% of makeup is made in China and all supplies are shut down..

Fellas, you are about to get a rude awakening!!..

 

[Aussie67]

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”

The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”

 

[FordDude]

fd

 

[Aussie67]

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.

 

[Aussie67]

It's always exciting getting a Valentines Day Card shoved through your door, no stamp, just your name on the envelope.

Except, when you're in prison!!.