• Hello there guest and Welcome to The #1 Classic Mustang forum!
    To gain full access you must Register. Registration is free and it takes only a few moments to complete.
    Already a member? Login here then!

Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone as soon as possible.

I hung up. A minute later I rang again. "Hello," I said, I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them."

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: "I thought you said you'd shot them."

To which I replied: "I thought you said there was no one available."
 
Local church put out a call for a new bell ringer and a man with no arms answered.

"How will you ring the bell my son? You have no arms." the pastor asked.

"Take me to the bell Padre and I'll show you." the man replied.

So they go up the bell tower and the man proceeded to ring the bell using his head.

"Wonderful my son. You start this Sunday."

So Sunday rolls around and once again, the bell was heard throughout the town. As the people congregated to the front of the church, they stopped and saw the armless man, lying dead, in the middle of the courtyard.

The town sheriff walks up, looks at the corpse, and asks the crowd, "Does anyone here know this man?"

The pastor looks up and says, "No, but his face sure rings a bell!"
 
Rednecks living in a Corona virus world,

Studies have demonstrated that
rednecks have the lowest stress
rate because they do not
understand the seriousness of
most medical terminology.


Medical Term Redneck Definition

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - Searching for Kitty

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

Impotent - Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night, normally more money than Days

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative - A letter carrier

Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery

Rectum - Nearly killed him

Secretion - Hiding something

Seizure - Roman Emperor

Tablet - A small table

Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport

Tumor - One plus one more

Urine - Opposite of you're out

fd
 
Aussie67 said:
Local church put out a call for a new bell ringer and a man with no arms answered.

"How will you ring the bell my son? You have no arms." the pastor asked.

"Take me to the bell Padre and I'll show you." the man replied.

So they go up the bell tower and the man proceeded to ring the bell using his head.

"Wonderful my son. You start this Sunday."

So Sunday rolls around and once again, the bell was heard throughout the town. As the people congregated to the front of the church, they stopped and saw the armless man, lying dead, in the middle of the courtyard.

The town sheriff walks up, looks at the corpse, and asks the crowd, "Does anyone here know this man?"

The pastor looks up and says, "No, but his face sure rings a bell!"
Click to expand...
So then the search went out to replace the dead man and his twin turned up and succesfully applied for the job.
Rang the bell the same way by running at it and striking it with his head.
Unfortunately, the next Sunday whilst ringing the bell, he misjudged when running and went straight out the tower and fell to his death too.
Again, the town sheriff walks up, looks at the corpse, and asks the crowd, "Does anyone here know this man?"

The pastor looks up and says, "No, but he is a dead ringer for his brother!"
 
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
 
A mechanic was removing the head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when one of his customers, a well known cardiologist turned up. The mechanic shouted across the garage, hey Doc, want to take a look at this?

The cardiologist a bit surprised, walked over to the spot the mechanic was working.

So Doc look at this engine, the mechanic said. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage and put them back in and when I've finished it works just like new. So how come I make $40,000 a year and you get the really big bucks, when we're both doing the same type of work?

The cardiologist paused, smiled and said, try doing it with the engine running.
 
A woman went into the butcher shop to buy a chicken for dinner. The butcher had just one chicken left in the ice barrel. He reached in and pulled out a fine looking fowl and placed in carefully on the scales and announced that it weighed 4 pounds.

The woman asked if he had one a little larger. The fast thinking butcher put the chicken back into the barrel and in a few seconds pulled it out again (pretending he had a larger chicken) and placed it on the scales a second time and told her that this one weighed 4 3/4 pounds.

The woman paused... Then announced, 'I'll take both of them!'
 
A teenage son comes to his father and with a smirk on his face. “Dad, remember when I was younger, and you saw me kill a butterfly and you told me ‘No butter for a week.'”
“Yeah,” said the father.
“And remember when you saw me kill a honeybee later?” continued the son.
“Yes, no honey for a week for that” said the father with a smile.
“Well, I just saw mom kill a cockroach. Will you tell her or do you want me to break it to her?”
 
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in........
 
As I stared out of the window this morning, I said to my wife: "Oh my God, look at it, it's so grey and miserable." "Stop being a twat" she replied, "just go and let my mother in."
 
REGRET's -- from the Hospital & Medical Staff.

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis was NOT cancer, it was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.
 
The new Hooker just finished her first trick, when she came back down to the street, all the seasoned street veterans all gathered around to hear the Details. She said. “Well, he was a big Muscular and Handsome Sailor”.

“What did he want to do”..??? they all asked. She said, ”I told him that a Straight Lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much”, So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either”.

“Finally I said, well how much do you have”..??? The sailor said that he only had $25. The new Hooker said. “Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand”.

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said. “He pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand”.

“Oh my good God” they all exclaimed, it must have been huge, then what did you do”..???

I had to Lend him $75”. she said!!.
 
One Liners Part # 1
1. Alcohol does not solve your problems but neither does milk.

2. Life is too short to remove USB safely.

3. Sometimes when I blink, I cannot see.

4. If all is not lost, where is it?

5. I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

6. Where there’s a will, there are five greedy relatives willing to fight over it.

7. Love is like gasoline, it’s expensive, ends quick, and can be replaced by alcohol.

8. Warning: dates on this calendar are closer than they appear.

9. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

10. Leadership is the ability to hide your panic from the world.

11. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.

12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

13. We can see other people’s problems more clearly than our own.

14. Don’t worry, if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

15. With great power comes great electricity bills.

16. Don’t steal, the government hates competition.

17. Money doesn’t buy you happiness, but it’s nicer to cry in a Mercedes than on a bike.

18. Warning: I know… KARATE and few other Oriental words.

19. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

20. Letting the rabbit out of a bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.

21. Friday is my second favorite F word.

22. Group projects in school, making me understand, why Batman prefers working alone.

23. If you want to earn money with the help of Facebook, go to its settings, delete your account and start working.

24. Tell a man, that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he will believe you, tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he will have to touch it to be sure.

25. My Internet is so slow, it is just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them the shit in person.

fd
 
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top