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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist:
"I would like to put my name in the hat for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate.
The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir Please fill out this form.''
He was filling the form until he came to the question, ''Are you circumcised?''
So he asked the receptionist "Is that question necessary?"
She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible".
He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?
She replied, "To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick"
 
A conference for who the best actor in the world was held, Actors from all around the world came to take part in the competition. There were many qualifier rounds but then only 5 actors remained in the finals.

The final contest was decided to be a manual cow milking competition. The rules were simple, The one to milk the most milk from their respective cows won the competition.

The actors were from Nepal (the place where the joke is from), India, USA (Land of Chuck Norris), UK and China.

They were each given a cow and 1 hour of allotted time to milk the cow.

The competition started and then ended soon. Then the judges went on and checked how much they each milked.

They went and checked UK's representative (Michael Caine). He only milked 10 ltrs. of milk.

Then they moved onto China's Jet Li. Using his martial arts technique, he milked an astonishing 20 ltr. of milk from the cow.

Then Rajnikant (Indian counterpart of Chuck Norris) patted Li on the back and showed them he had milked 25 ltrs.

Chuck Norris was already laughing at them. For he had milked 30 ltrs. of milk

Now, the judges moved onto Rajesh Hamal (He's the Nepalese counterpart to Chuck Norris). When they looked into his bucket, They were astounded. He had only milked 1 ltr. of milk

They declared Chuck to be the winner and later interviewed everyone.
When it was Rajesh's turn, they asked " Why only 1 ltr?"
To which he replied "Those mfers gave me a bull"
 
Pat and Mick were crossing the bog on their way home from cutting turf, when they found three hand grenades on the heather. "Careful there Mick," says Pat. We will bring them to the police and let them look after them. Mind how you handle them or they could explode." Mick asks, "Supposing one of them exploded, what would we do?" "Arrah ", says Pat, "We'll tell them we only found two."
 
One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again Helen turned it down, saying "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The third year the same exact conversation happened, except this time the pilot overheard. He offered the couple a free ride, but with one condition. They must not make a sound while in the air, or they would have to pay the 50 dollars. Bill and Helen agreed and climbed aboard.

As soon as they left the ground, the pilot began performing hair raising maneuvers in the air, but try as he might, he could not get the couple to utter a sound. When they finally touched down, the pilot turned to Bill and exclaimed, "that was an amazing show of self control, you have earned your free ride".

Bill replied, "well, I nearly said something when Ellen fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks."
 
An Irish fellow in New York turns to a gentleman next to him;

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?”

“I went to St Peters Secondary”

“ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?”

“1979”

“1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!”

Well as these two guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender and asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?”

To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”
 
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
 
A giant gorilla gatecrashed the world table tennis championship in China last night... The local media reported the event by saying ....
There was a King Kong ding dong at the Hong Kong ping pong!!
 
Paddy and Mick have been planning a holiday but Covid has been stifling their plans. Paddy says he’ll go see what he can do. He comes back with a box of tampons. Mick asks what the hell are these things? Paddy replies “Well apparently with these you can swim, scuba dive, play tennis and golf and you can’t do any of these things right now.”
 
A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She starts to feel a little self conscious so changes her seat, but the man only seems more amused. She moves a third time and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop.

The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'

Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"
 
A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...........

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. Ashamed, he admitted he had this urge to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter, went to the psychiatrist, who told him to do it so he went ahead and did it. So he got fired immediately.

His wife in shock checked whether everything was ok with his "belongings". Everything was fine... so she asked: "What happened to the cucumber cutter?"
Worker: " I think she got fired, too!"
 
A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old lady in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Doreen Jacobs in room 604. No one tells me shit.”
 
A missionary is in a tribal village in Africa.

One day the chief summons him. The chief is angry, and brings out a white baby.

"My wife just had a white baby. You are the only white man in the village. What have you done??"

The missionary thinks, then brings the chief outside, to a field. He points to a flock of sheep.

"This is the natural way. You see that whole flock, all the sheep are white. Except one over there, a black sheep. These things are unusual but they happen."

The chief is quiet for a moment. He turns to the missionary, embarrassed, and whispers:

"I won't say anything about my wife if you don't say anything about the sheep."
 
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