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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

A 5 and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom talking.
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Shit mom, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '
WHACK...she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know mom, but it won't be fuking Fruit Loops'
 
Confucius say ...
Man who run in Front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong ... man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
 
Two women in a bus were fighting bitterly over the last seat.
The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor, “Let the ugly one take the seat!”
Both women stood for the rest of the journey.
 
A blonde moves out to the countryside because she's tired of people in the city assuming she's dumb because of her hair color. She dyes her hair brown, packs up, and moves out. On her way to her new house she passes a shepherd with a herd of sheep. Eager to start her new life, she pulls over and poses a challenge to the shepherd. "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I pick one to keep?"

The shepherd agrees so she spends some time looking and thinking and decides to just make a random guess.

"377?"

The shepherd, shocked, tells her she's right and let's her choose a sheep. She chooses one, loads it into her car and drives to her new house.

A couple hours later, she's getting her new house set up when she hears a knock at the door. She opens it and sees the shepherd.

The shepherd, calmly, says "Ma'am if I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"
 
Medical experts in London today were asked if it is time to ease the COVID lockdowns.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.

Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off by the whole idea.

Anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in government.
 
I was moving to California when I stopped at one of those old Indian trading posts somewhere in the desert.

One of the attractions there was an Native American with a sign beside him that read "this man has greatest memory in the world $5 per question" So I paid my $5 and asked him a question.

"What did you have for breakfast on the eighth of January 1993?"

He says "Eggs"

So 5 years later I'm moving away from California to another job and I stop with my U-Haul at the same place and I walk up to the guy again and I decide to do the traditional native American greeting I up up my hand and say "How"

and he says

"Scrambled"
 
A man goes into an all purpose store for some dog food. The clerk asks if the man has a dog, the man says yes. The clerk is skeptical and asks if the guy brought his dog, the man says no so the clerk refuses him service.

The man is annoyed but not too angry. The next day the man goes back to the store, this time for cat food. He came in and asked the clerk for the cat food, which was behind the counter. The clerk remembers this guy and asks if he brought his cat, the man says no and the clerk refuses service.

Now the man is very annoyed, he hatched a plan.

The next day he came pack with a brown paper bag. He goes up to the clerk and asks the clerk to put his hand in the bag. The clerk puts his hand in and feels around, he feels something mushy and a bit warm. Then the man looks the clerk in the eye and asks, now can I have some toilet paper?
 
A young blonde went to a gynaecologist and said that she and her husband were desperate to start a family. ‘We’ve been trying for months and I just don’t seem able to get pregnant,’ she said.
‘I’m sure we can solve your problem,’ said the gynaecologist. ‘If you’ll just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table.’
‘Well, all right,’ said the blonde, blushing, ‘but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.’





The boss asked his blonde secretary why she was late for work. She explained that on her journey to the office she had been first on the scene at a terrible car crash. ‘It was just awful,’ she said. ‘The driver looked to have broken both legs, his passenger had suffered horrific head injuries, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness I took that first aid course. All my training came back to me in a flash.’
‘What did you do?’ asked the boss.
The blonde said: ‘I sat down and put my head between my knees to stop myself from fainting.’

fd
 
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.

Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
 
An elderly man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries, and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing the other half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, then his wife took a sip, and then he set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - "We're used to sharing everything". People closer to the table noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there, watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time, the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything". Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man came over again to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked, "What exactly is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH"!
 
Beer & the Wheel:

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons .


Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss-off more liberals.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks! Right after I forward this message.
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I went on a blind date yesterday.
She seemed like a nice girl at first. Since I’m a big animal lover I really appreciated her bringing her dog.
But I just can’t see myself with someone who wears sunglasses indoors, that’s just rude...
 
Two rednecks with the US Army – Leroy and Luke – were promoted from privates to sergeants. As they were strolling around the army base, Leroy said: ‘Let’s go into the Officers’ Club.’
Luke said: ‘But we’re privates.’
Leroy pointed to his stripes and reminded him: ‘We’re sergeants now.’
Once inside the club, Leroy said: ‘I’m gonna sit myself down with a drink.’
Luke said: ‘But we’re privates.’
‘Are you blind?’ said Leroy, pointing to his stripes. ‘We’re sergeants now.’
So they had a drink, and after a while a hooker sidled up to Leroy. ‘You’re kinda cute,’ she purred, ‘and I’d love to show you a good time but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhoea.’
Puzzled, Leroy whispered to Luke: ‘Go and look up that word in the dictionary. If it’s OK, come back and give me the thumbs up.’
So Luke went back to his hut and looked up ‘gonorrhoea’ in the dictionary. Then he returned to the club and gave Leroy the thumbs up.
Three weeks later, Leroy was lying in the army hospital with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. When Luke came to visit, Leroy stormed: ‘Luke, why did you give me the thumbs up?’
‘Well,’ replied Luke. ‘In the dictionary it says gonorrhoea affects only the privates.’ He pointed to his stripes and said: ‘But we’re sergeants now!’

fd
 
An elegant young woman wearing a long fur coat was accosted by an animal rights activist who yelled: ‘And what poor creature had to die so that you could have that fur coat?’
The woman replied simply: ‘My mother-in-law.’

fd
 
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm and I gave her superglue by mistake.
She's still not talking to me!
 
Walking around our town centre I saw a missing cat poster which said:
'Missing from the town centre area:
our 3-year-old cat Tiddles

[IMG]

(pictured).
He is recently neutered, wears a collar with a bell to alert birds, and is on a vegan diet.'
Underneath someone wrote: '
And you're surprised he ran off?'
 
Why is life so hypocritical?
My mom always told me to save electricity by turning off things I’m not using and save it for later but when I’m pulling the plug off of patients’ life support, I’m suddenly going to jail? Jeez, those police really wanted me to not save electricity.
 
My boss arrived at work today with a brand new Ferrari.
I said ‘wow, that’s an amazing car!’
He said ‘If you work hard, put all your hours in and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.’
 
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