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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
 
Helen was distraught after calling off her engagement to Simon and decided to write him a letter as follows...

Dear Simon,

I am writing to tell you that I have been unable to sleep ever since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you please forgive me ?
Not being able to hug you anymore is breaking my heart.
I admit now that I was a fool.
Nobody can take your place.
I really still love you so much.
All my undying love,

Helen
P.S Congratulations on winning the Lottery!!.
 
This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him.
He interviewed three people. The first, Mick, came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"
The second,Seamus, came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third, Paddy, came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-to s-s-s-ell, Bi - bi - Bibles, f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you!"
"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles.....
Paddy replied, "B-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, need tthis job!"
As there were no other applicants, the man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to show immediate RESULTS!"
Mick comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today."
Seamus reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today.
Paddy
reports, "To-t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"
At the end of the second day,
Mick comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles."
Seamus reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today"
Paddy reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi-Bibles."
"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is.
"I-i-I j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, walk, up to up to them and ask, them... and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-if they want t-t-o-o- -b-b-b- buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to rrr read it to 'em?"
 
A bloke got chatting to a girl in a night club. Can I buy you a drink? he asked.........

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While he was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

He said, "My wife found out."
 
A man walked into a therapist’s office, looking thoroughly depressed. ‘Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.’
‘What’s the problem?’ asked the therapist.
‘I’m 39 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.’
‘This is not a serious problem,’ said the therapist. ‘You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and go straight to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women swarming all over you.’
The man seemed happy with this advice but when he returned to the therapist three weeks later, he was looking just as miserable as before.
‘Did my advice not work?’ asked the therapist.
‘It worked all right,’ said the man. ‘For the past three weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous-looking women.’
‘So, what’s your problem?’
‘I don’t have a problem,’ said the man. ‘My wife does!’

fd
 
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?” Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for ‘Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.” “Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. “Where are her clothes?” Granny continued. “Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?” Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,”Hang on Granny! Hang on!” My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination and found the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot amber to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
 
The teacher in religion class asks, "What part of your body do you think arrives in heaven first?"

Little Johnny shoots his hand in the air. A chill runs through the teacher and she pretends not to see him. "Mary, you had your hand up first. What do you think?"

Mary straightens up in her chair, "Your head. When you're floating up to heaven, your head pokes through first."

"Very good Mary. Anyone else?"

Again the teacher ignores little Johnny and calls on Henrik. "Your hands. Praying, your hands go first to be greeted."

"Very good Henrik." The teacher was about to move on, but little Johnny was making a ruckus raising his hand. Softly praying for patience, she called, "Alright Johnny, what do you think?"

Johnny gets pleased with himself and with a huge smile announces, "Your feet. My mum said so."

The teacher takes a deep breath and asks, "And why do you think your feet reach heaven first?"

"Well. I was walkin passed my mum and dad's bedroom last night and my mum was making lotsa noise, so I peaked in. My dad was on top a her and her feet were sticking up in the air when she was yellin 'Oh God I'm coming!"
 
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
 
So, let’s just piss everyone off!



Q. What's the Cuban national anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. To a different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal, along with a recipe

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins,'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s____t....'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States


Oh, simmer down and get over it!
 
On a bitterly cold night, a young man called in at the town brothel.
The Madame said: ‘You’ll have to wait.’
‘But there are lots of girls who aren’t busy right now,’ said the guy.
‘Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs,’ she explained.
‘Listen,’ he persisted, ‘I’m really desperate. I don’t need a room, I’ll do it anywhere.’
So she took his money and he went upstairs with one of the girls. Looking for a place to go, they decided to do it on the roof. But it was such a cold night that they froze to death halfway through having sex and fell to the sidewalk below. A passing drunk looked them over, staggered to the brothel door, and knocked.
‘Go away!’ said the Madame. ‘We don’t allow drunks in here.’
‘I don’t want to come in,’ said the drunk. ‘I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down.’

fd
 
Once there was a great Hollywood actor who could no longer remember his lines. His career had gone into terminal decline until, after years of unemployment, he finally found a theatre where they were prepared to give him another chance. The director explained: ‘Even though you only have one line, your part is essential to the entire play. You come on at the start of Act One and walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.” ’
All day long the actor rehearsed his solitary line. Finally it was curtain up and he walked on to the stage and with great passion delivered the line: ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’ But the audience roared with laughter.
The director was livid. ‘You bloody fool!’ he screamed. ‘You have ruined me!’
The actor was bewildered. ‘What happened? Did I forget my line?’
‘No,’ yelled the director. ‘You forgot the rose!’

fd
 
A man walks into a car dealership and sees the car of his dreams.

He walks up to it, and gives it the whole over/under but can't find a price listed anywhere on it.

He runs his hands along the door and when he does, he accidentally lets out a loud fart. He looks around quickly to see if anyone heard him, and no one seemed to have heard.

A few minutes go by and a salesman walks up to the man and asks if there is anything he could help the man with.

The man says "I'd like to know the MSRP on this car"

The salesman tells the man "Well sir, I'd rather not tell you"

Bewildered, the man asks the salesman why not.

The salesman responded "Well if you farted just by touching it, you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price"
 
Old Hetty Goldberg was dying. She asked her husband Henry: ‘How many cars have you ordered to go to the cemetery?’
‘Four,’ he replied.
‘Does that include the hearse?’
‘Yes.’
‘Four is too many. Cancel one.’
‘Whatever you say, darling.’
‘And I want you to promise me something else.’
‘Anything, darling.’
‘I want you and my mother to travel together in the same car.’
‘But you know we haven’t spoken to each other for ten years . . .’
‘I know, but it’s what I want. Promise me you’ll do it.’
‘Well, OK, I’ll do it. But let me tell you now, it will ruin the day for me.’

fd
 
Solly bought a cheap vase for his sister’s birthday, but accidentally smashed it before he could give it to her. Then he had an idea. He gift-wrapped the vase, put it in a box, and posted it to her, with the intention of claiming money back from the postal service for the breakage.
Two days later, the sister phoned to thank him for the vase, but said that it had arrived broken.
‘Oh, what a pity,’ said Solly.
‘Yes, isn’t it?’ said his sister. ‘Still, it was very kind of you to wrap each piece individually . . .’

fd
 
A lawyer died and was standing in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter said: ‘You’re a lawyer, you can’t come in here – you have to go to the other place.’
But, using all his courtroom expertise, the lawyer patiently pleaded his case until St Peter reconsidered. ‘OK, here’s what I’ll do,’ said St Peter. ‘You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on Earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here.’
The lawyer thought that was a reasonable deal.
‘Fine,’ said St Peter, ‘so we’ll see you in 407 years.’
‘407 years? What are you talking about?’ said the lawyer. ‘I’m only 66.’
St Peter said: ‘We go by billing hours.’

fd
 
The old Mississippi farmer was having a miserable year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well, but he figured the only way he was going to make ends meet was to cut out the middle man and sell the peaches directly to the customer.
So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed into town. Eyeing a likely house, he took a basket of peaches from the truck and knocked on the front door. It was answered by a glamorous blonde wearing a slinky robe.
‘Hi, honey,’ she said sexily. ‘What can I do for you?’
The old farmer gulped: ‘I have these really nice peaches for sale.’
Noticing how rattled the farmer was, the woman decided to tease him and opened the top of her robe to reveal her breasts. ‘Are those peaches full and firm like these?’ she purred.
‘Yes,’ he stammered, sweating profusely. ‘They’re really good peaches.’
Then she opened the rest of her robe – wide enough to show that she wasn’t wearing any panties. ‘Would they be succulent and delicious like this?’ she said, licking her lips seductively.
The old farmer nearly had a coronary. ‘Oh, yes, they’re wonderful peaches,’ he sobbed.
‘Honey, why are you crying?’ she asked.
The farmer whimpered: ‘Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop, and the weevils ate all my cotton, and now I think you’re going to fuck me out of my peaches.’

fd
 
Two fine southern ladies from Mississippi were sitting on the front porch, sipping iced tea. One of the women held out her hand ostentatiously for the other to see, and in her long southern drawl said: ‘Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn’t it nice?’
The other woman replied: ‘Oh, that’s nice, that’s real nice.’
The first woman went on: ‘And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises.’
The second woman again replied: ‘Oh, that’s nice, that’s real nice.’
‘Well, sweetheart,’ said the first, ‘doesn’t your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?’
‘When we first got married, he did send me to etiquette school.’
‘Why did he do that?’
‘Well, you see,’ said the second woman, ‘before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said, “Who gives a shit?” But now I say, “That’s nice, that’s real nice.”’

fd
 
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