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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
I saw my dwarf neighbor standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped and said "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"
"Fck off!" he said.

And I just thought to myself, "What an ungrateful person he is." So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.
 
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Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A pirate walked into a bar.
He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.
The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons. All they managed to hit was my leg."
The bartender said "What about your hook?"
The pirate took another long swig. "Arrrr, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, I escaped by gnawing my own hand off."
The bartender was growing sceptical. "And how did you get that eyepatch?"
The pirate took another swig. "Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marrooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As i looked up, a seagull flew over and pooped in me eye."
The bartender said "That's ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird muck."
The pirate finished his ale in one gulp, and grimaced. "Twas the first day with the hook."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A woman goes to the doctor, "Please help, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The doctor says “are you taking anything for it?”
The woman says “Yes. Pepper.”
 

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
An elderly couple are having dinner to celebrate their golden wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says to his wife, “There is something I need to say. It has always slightly bothered me that our ninth child never quite looked anything like the rest of our children. These past fifty years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer will never take all that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife stares at her plate, unable to look her husband in the eye. Eventually, she swallows hard then says. “Yes, he did.”
The old man is stunned into silence. After a few moments he summons up the courage to ask: “Who was he?”
The old woman gulps down her wine and says: “You.”

fd
 

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
An Aussie was driving along through the outback in his four-wheel-drive, when he saw an Aborigine carrying two sheets of corrugated iron and a crate of beer. He stopped to give him a lift and the Aborigine chucked the two sheets of corrugated iron and beer in the back and hopped in beside the driver. “What the hell are you doing, mate, wandering around the outback with two sheets of corrugated iron and a crate of beer?” the driver asked.
“The wife kicked me out,” the Aborigine explained. “We had a court case. She got the kids, I got the house and contents.”

fd
 

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
One day God decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St Peter and told him of his decision. He explained to St Peter that he was going to make a human being who was similar to man, yet was different and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. God said he would call this new creation “woman”. So God went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When he had finished creating this being that would now be called woman he summoned St Peter.
“Oh Lord, once again you have done a cracking job,” said St Peter when he saw the woman.
“Thank you, you are very kind,” replied God, looking pleased with himself. “I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this woman. I require your assistance on this matter, St Peter. I am thinking of making her brain slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate and more adaptable than man’s.”
“Good idea again, Lord,” said St Peter.
“What about nerve endings? How many should I put in her hands?”
“How many did you put in Adam?” asked St Peter.
“Two hundred,” replied God.
“Then do the same for this woman,” said St Peter.
“And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?”
“How many did we put in Adam?”
“Seventy-five,” replied God. “These beings are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having fewer nerve endings there, so I think I will do the same for woman.”
“Nice one,” said St Peter.
“How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals?”
How many did you put in Adam?” asked St Peter.
“Four hundred and twenty,” replied God. “Of course, I wanted Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn’t I? Do you think I should do the same for woman?”
“Again, good idea, Oh Lord,” said St Peter.
“No, wait.” said God. “Fuck it. Let’s give her ten thousand. I want her to scream out my name.”

fd
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
One day there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his mates, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.
"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and cried, "WHERE IS MY ROLEX!"
 

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
so-f--king-awesome


fd
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
While in China, an American man is sexually promiscous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."

The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?"

The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion... !!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

"Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
An elderly Australian woman is visiting her son in the US for his birthday.

She arrives at LAX early in the morning and arranges to drive to his house, in New Orleans, in order to “take in the scenery” and see what the American South has to offer.

She drives at a leisurely pace, and stops at scenic viewpoints whenever possible, knowing she has some time to get to her son. She stops to rest when she is tired, eats when she is hungry, and otherwise enjoys her time.

On the second day, she realizes it’s about time to hurry things up if she wants to make it to her son’s before his birthday. She begins to ramp up the speed, just a few miles at a time. Soon, she’s flying down the highway, eager to get to New Orleans before sundown. Suddenly, a police officer pulls her over.

“Ma’am,” he says, “Do you know why I stopped you?”

“Yes,” the Aussie responds, “I may have been going a tad too fast in this car. I’m not used to the rules of the road around here and the speed got away from me. You see, I’m from another country and I’m trying to visit my son. ”

“Well, ma’am, you were clocking above 95 MPH! Did you come here to DIE??”

“No,” she says. “I came here yester-die.”
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A particularily large manufactuing company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,

"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,

"I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said,

"Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said,

"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
One day my girlfriend sent me a text..
"I think we should break up"
I was devastated, but then she sent another one saying..
"Ignore that, sent it to the wrong person"
Imagine my relief?
 
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