• Hello there guest and Welcome to The #1 Classic Mustang forum!
    To gain full access you must Register. Registration is free and it takes only a few moments to complete.
    Already a member? Login here then!

Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Was down with the flu this week. Here's my contribution.


Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually....
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.
 
As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way....
Maybe being a tour guide wasn't such a great idea after all.
 
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
 
A rabbi and a priest were walking down the street together when they fancied a drink. The only problem was, neither of them had any money. Standing outside a bar, the priest said: ‘Leave it to me. I know how we can get free drinks.’
While the rabbi stood watching at the door, the priest walked into the bar and ordered a drink. After finishing it, he was about to leave when the bartender gave him his tab.
The priest said: ‘But, my son, I’ve already paid for the drink.’
The bartender said: ‘I’m terribly sorry, Father, but it’s been really busy in here. I must have forgotten.’
Then it was the rabbi’s turn. He walked in, ordered his drink and after finishing it, he was about to leave when the bartender handed him his tab.
The rabbi said: ‘Excuse me, but I paid you when I ordered the drink.’
‘I’m terribly sorry, rabbi,’ said the bartender. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but that’s the second time it’s happened to me today.’
‘That’s OK,’ said the rabbi. ‘No offence taken. Now, if you just give me change for the twenty I gave you, I’ll be on my way.’

fd
 
Big Bubba decided it was time his fourteen-year-old son Billy Bob learned the facts of life. So he took him to the town brothel, an outwardly respectable establishment fronted by a beauty parlour.
The middle-aged Madame said: ‘Bubba, you’ve been such a good customer down the years, I’ll see to the boy personally.’
She was as good as her word and led Billy Bob up to a quiet room where she proceeded to have sex with him. Afterwards she said: ‘As this was your first time, I’m going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I’m going to give you a manicure.’
Two weeks later, Bubba and Billy Bob bumped into her in the main street. Billy Bob was uncharacteristically shy.
The Madame said: ‘Billy Bob, don’t you remember me?’
‘Yes, ma’am,’ replied Billy Bob quietly. ‘You’re the lady that gave me the crabs, then cut off my fingernails so I couldn’t scratch ’em.’

fd
 
I went to Walmart today and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
 
An eighty-year-old rancher was about to marry a young girl of twenty-one. His trusted friend and adviser, the local banker, had serious doubts as to how long an old man would be able to satisfy such a young bride and feared for his friend’s happiness. So, for the sake of matrimonial harmony, he advised the old man to bring in a hired hand to help around the ranch, knowing full well that the hired hand would probably help out in the bedroom, too, behind the old man’s back. The rancher thought it was a great idea.
Four months later, the banker called on his friend. ‘How’s your new wife?’ he asked.
‘She’s pregnant,’ replied the old man.
The banker smiled knowingly. ‘And how’s the hired hand?’
‘Oh, she’s pregnant, too!’

fd
 
A guy owned a parrot that never talked, so he went to the pet shop for advice. The pet shop proprietor said: ‘Your parrot has too much hook in its beak – you have to file its beak and then it will be able to talk just fine. But you’ve got to be careful not to file it too far because if you take too much off, the bird will drown the first time it has a drink.’
‘How much will this cost?’ asked the bird’s owner.
‘About $100.’
‘I can’t afford that sort of money. Filing down a parrot’s beak can’t be that difficult – I’ll do it myself.’
A week later the two men met in the street. Is your parrot talking yet?’ asked the shopkeeper.
‘No, he’s dead,’ replied the owner.
‘I told you not to file the beak back too far. Did he drown when he had a drink?’
‘No, he was dead before I got him out of the vice.’

fd
 
Two women were sitting in the doctor’s waiting room. ‘I want a baby more than anything,’ said the first, ‘but it doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to happen.’
‘I used to feel the same way,’ said the second. ‘But then everything changed. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to have a baby in three months.’
‘You must tell me what you did,’ said the first.
‘I went to the faith healer in the mall,’ replied the second.
‘But I’ve tried that. My husband and I went to him for nearly a year and it didn’t help at all.’
The second woman smiled and whispered: ‘Try going alone next time.’

fd
 
One day Bubba decided to go hang-gliding. Shortly after he’d taken to the air, Zeke and Mary-Lou were sitting on their porch when she spotted the biggest bird she’d ever seen. Zeke immediately grabbed his shotgun and fired off three shots, but the monster bird continued to sail silently over the treetops.
‘I reckon ya missed him, Zeke,’ said Mary-Lou.
‘Yeah, maybe,’ said Zeke. ‘But at least he let go of ole Bubba, didn’t he?’

fd
 
I asked an old man; "Even after 95 years you still call your wife, darling, honey, love. What's the secret?"
The old man replied: "I forgot her name years ago and I'm scared to ask her!!!!!!
 
Paddy goes to see his doctor and asks : "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"
His doctor asks Paddy "Well, that depends…Do you drink?"
Paddy says, ”Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soft drinks too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."
"Do you smoke?"
"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."
"Do you eat a lot of sugary and greasy foods?"
"No, sir! I carefully watch my diet and caloric intake, and I'm sure to eat plenty of vegetables."
"Do you go to parties? Stay up late? Are you sexually promiscuous?"
"No, not at all! Early to bed and early to rise! And abstinence is key. "Paddy says proudly.!!
The doctor raises an eyebrow at Paddy, and asks, "So... Why exactly do you want to live to be a hundred?"
 
It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars, if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?”

Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”

Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?

Is it: A – Robin B – Sparrow C – Cuckoo D – Thrush

Remember Barbara – its worth $1 million dollars.”

“I think I know who it… I’m not 100%… no, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.”

Regis: “Yes. Who, Barbara, do you want to phone?”

Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”

(ringing)

Maggie (a blonde): “Hello…”

Regis: “Hello Maggie, it's Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to get to a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and only 1 correct answer. You have 30 seconds to reply — fire away Barbara.”

Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it: A- Robin B- Sparrow C- Cuckoo D- Thrush

Maggie: “Oh gees, Barbara that’s simple…It’s a cuckoo.”

Barbara: “You think?”

Maggie: “I’m sure.”

Barbara: “Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)

Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”

Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with c-cuckoo”

Regis: “Is that your final answer?”

Barbara: “It is.”

Regis: “Are you confident?”

Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”

Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said c-cuckoo…you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara!”

That night Barbara called round to Maggie and brought her down to a local bar for a celebratory drink and, as they were sipping their champagne, Barbara turned to Maggie and asked: “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?”

Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock!”
 
Fred same home form university in tears. "Mum am I adopted?"
"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?
Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.
Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."
"Well, obviously!" he replied.
"What do you mean?"
"It was your idea in the first place" her husband continued. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him."
"I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."
 
A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an plane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy when you don't know crap?" Then she went back to reading her book.
 
The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.”Well, sir,” is the nervous reply, “as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have … m-m-m…. urges. That’s why we have the camel, sir.

The Captain says, “I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay.” About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.

Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, “Is that how the men do it?” “Uh, no sir,” the First Sergeant replies. “They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.
 
.
424bc1867cf1e9f2a96f241ccdd81447.jpg


Sent from my moto x4 using Tapatalk
 
Two old men were talking. One said: ‘I’m eighty-three and full of aches and pains. How about you?’
The other said: ‘I feel like a newborn baby.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

fd
 
Two old ladies – Ethel and Mabel – were walking through a museum when they became separated. When they met up again, Ethel said: ‘Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?’
‘Yes, I did!’ said Mabel. ‘And frankly I was shocked. How can they display such a thing! The penis on it was so large!’
Ethel added: ‘. . . And cold, too!’

fd
 
Boy comes up to his father, all angry, "Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?"

Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"

The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top