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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

A farmer had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them in the trashcan when the farmer said: ‘Don’t throw them away. My wife fries them for supper. We call them sheep fries.’
At the end of a hard day, the farmhand asked the farmer’s wife what was for supper.
‘Sheep fries,’ she replied.
He wasn’t too keen on the idea but, having tasted frogs’ legs in his native France, he was willing to experiment. So he gave them a try and, to his surprise, he found them quite tasty.
For the next two nights, he had sheep fries for supper but then on the fourth night, he was nowhere to be seen. The farmer asked his wife where the farmhand had gone.
‘It’s odd,’ she said. ‘When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French fries, and he ran like hell!’

fd
 
A Boston couple went away on vacation to Canada. The husband loved to fish, but the wife was happy reading. One morning the husband set off early to fish and when he returned to their cabin, he decided to take a nap. While he slept, the wife took the boat out to enjoy the beautiful scenery. Unfamiliar with the geography of the lake, she rowed out to the middle, dropped anchor and began reading her book.
A few minutes later, another boat pulled alongside. It was the game warden.
‘Do you mind if I ask what you’re doing, ma’am?’
‘Reading my book,’ she replied.
‘Well, I’m afraid this is a restricted fishing area, and you’re not allowed to be here.’
‘But I’m not fishing,’ she protested.
He glanced at the boat. ‘But you have all this equipment. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to report you.’
‘If you do,’ she argued. ‘I’ll charge you with rape.’
‘But I didn’t touch you!’
‘No, but you have all the equipment!’

fd
 
A guy was playing golf one day and got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on".

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on".

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14. You are on 13". Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She: "You'd laugh if I tell". He kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".
 
A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every ten years
After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’
The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.
After 20 years the head monk calls him in again and asks ‘What two words would you like to say?’
The monk replies with ‘Too cold’, so the head monk organises for him to get another blanket.
After 30 years the head monk calls him in and says ‘What two words would you like to say’.
The monk replies with ‘Wanna leave’.
The head monk says ‘I’m not surprised. You’ve done nothing but complain since you’ve been here’.
 
When her husband died, his widow put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. On reading the notice, a family friend complained: ‘You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.’
The widow said: ‘I know, but I figured it would be better for him to be remembered as a great lover rather than the big shit he really was.’

fd
 
Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..,Well.., Well.., I ... think I need a brain".

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I'VE HEARD ITS TRUE." says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"

"Is Dorothy around?"

fd
 
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Framer Joe. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident , "I'm fine" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."

He said, "Your cow was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
 
The Angel of death came to a Pastor and said, "I am here to take your life"
The Pastor replied, "But I'm not ready!".
The angel of death said, "Well your name is the next on my list".
"Okay why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before you take my life ?".
"All right " replied the angel. Then Pastor gave him some food with sleeping pills in it, the angel finished eating and fell into a deep sleep.
Pastor took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put it at the bottom.
When the angel woke up he said to the Pastor.
"Because you have been so very nice to me, I will start from the BOTTOM of the list" ...
And that my friends is the story of my life!!
 
A husband and wife were playing on the tenth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.
‘Please, dear, I need help,’ she gasped.
The husband ran off, promising: ‘I’ll fetch some help.’
Five minutes later, he returned, picked up his putter and began to line up his putt.
His wife, lying on the ground, raised her head and said: ‘I may be dying and you’re putting?’
‘Don’t worry, honey,’ he said. ‘I found a doctor on the third hole who said he’d come and help you.’
‘The third hole?’ she groaned, clutching her chest. ‘When the hell is he coming?’
‘Hey! I told you not to worry,’ said the husband, practicing his putt. ‘Everyone’s already agreed to let him play through.’

fd
 
After finishing his round of golf, Roger headed straight for the bar where he bumped into his friend Barney. Looking down at Roger’s trousers, Barney asked him: ‘Why are your trousers so wet at the front?’
Roger called him to one side and explained quietly: ‘Today is the first time I’ve played golf wearing bifocals. Throughout my round, I could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club, a big ball and a little ball, and so on. So I hit the little ball with the big club, and it worked a treat. And when I got to the green, I putted the little ball into the big cup. I played the best golf of my life.’
‘I understand all that,’ said Barney, ‘but how did you get so wet?’
‘Well,’ said Roger, ‘when I got to the 15th, I was desperate for a pee. I knew I couldn’t wait until I got back to the clubhouse. So I sneaked into the woods and unzipped my fly. When I looked down there were two of them – a big one and a little one. Well, I knew the big one wasn’t mine, so I put it back.’

fd
 
A passer-by came across four golfers in a bunker. One was lying face down in the sand while the other three were arguing furiously.
‘What’s going on?’ asked the passer-by.
One of the golfers turned and said: ‘It’s these guys – they’ll do anything to win. My partner’s just had a stroke and they want to add it to our score!’

fd
 
Two young women were chatting over lunch. One confided: ‘My last boyfriend used to fantasize about making love to two girls at once.’
‘Really?’ said her friend. ‘What did you tell him?’ ‘I said, “If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?”

fd
 
Hearing a knock at the Pearly Gates, St Peter looked out and saw a man waiting to enter. But before St Peter could conduct his interview, the man had disappeared. A puzzled St Peter returned to his duties, only to be disturbed a couple of minutes later by the same man knocking on the Gates. However once again the man vanished before speaking. Lo and behold, less than two minutes later, the man appeared at the Gates for a third time.
St Peter said: ‘Are you playing games with me?’
‘No,’ said the man. ‘They’re trying to resuscitate me.’

fd
 
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "FukYou!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain..
 
When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal; - Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million.

No one dared to move, suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles. With enormous luck came, taking everyone's admiration at the scene, then the owner announced; - We have a brave winner.

After collecting his reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him, he was very brave to jump, then the man said; I didn't jump, someone pushed me! His wife smiled... Moral: ′′ Behind every successful man, there's a woman who pushes him "...
 
When I was about 9 years old I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.' Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!

I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.

I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear. Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

The dead bastard had a twin
 
One day a teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building material for his home.

She read, “. . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build a house?’”

The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said, “ I think he said, ‘HOLY SHIT! A TALKING PIG!?!’”
 
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Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"
The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
"What's your name? " asked the executive.
John H. Smith was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Department: Do we have a client named John H. Smith? "Certainly," answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account." The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoe shine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.

Mr. Smith began his story.

"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.

I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.
After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent.

A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."
 
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