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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

FordDude

Well-Known Dude
Staff member
Moderator
Stress Management

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water.
Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'

She fooled them all ...."How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.
So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.
Don't carry them through the evening and into the night.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live.

15 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

16 * We could learn a lot from crayons.
Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.
Some have weird names and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.

17 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

18 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

19 * Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!

fd
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Surely the best advert for 'anti-ageing cream' would be .....

A 5 year old lying on the bathroom floor covered in cream shouting.....'help ...help I’ve used too much'.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment. The older woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations." The older lady said that she was right our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day.

The older lady went on to explain:
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soft drink bottles and beer bottles to the store.
The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled , so it could use the same bottles over and over. So, they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things.
Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books.
This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings.
Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building.
We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw away kind.
We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts.
Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days.
Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room.
And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of NSW.
In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power.
We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a gym to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a tap when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.
We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the train, tram or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or car, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing."
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.
And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest hamburger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off...

Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartarse who can't calculate change without the cash register telling them how much.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
An old man walks up to the counter of a pawn shop holding an old, weathered guitar.

"I'd like your expert opinion on this guitar, how much do you think it's worth?" asks the old man.

The pawn broker looks it up and down. "Well, I can tell right now that there's a little warping in the neck, the lacquer is faded and there's scratches and dents all over it. It's an old, well-played guitar but I don't think it's worth any more than twenty bucks."

The old man reaches his hand out and says, "Okay, if that's what you think it's worth you have a deal!"

"Great!" replies the pawn broker, shaking his hand.

"Here's twenty bucks," says the old man. "I'll buy it right now!"

The broker stops, and suddenly looks confused. "Wait.... buy?" he asks.

"Yes!" smiles the old man as he flips the guitar over, "This one has a sticker price of $150, but now that I have your honest opinion I think twenty bucks is a great deal!"
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Just seen the amazing news about the first time a pigs heart has been transferred into a human being. Wonder if he considered using any other pig parts ? He may as well have gone the whole hog.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
During the holiday season I was determined not to gain weight, so I promised myself I would not visit my favorite bakery-cafe for a whole month. I even altered my drive to work to avoid passing the spot.

However, one day there was a traffic jam and I forgot and accidentally drove by the bakery. There in the window I saw the yummy pastries I loved.

Since nothing happens by accident, I prayed as I slowed down. "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so good!
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A local farmer just successfully grew a field of vibrators

Unfortunately now he's got a problem with squatters
 

69GT350H

Active Member
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Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."

The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long. Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36'. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
Anyone available??

I'M ASKING FOR A FRIEND............... A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl, 50 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...

It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress.
 

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
 
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